Category: other

According to today’s regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 60’s, 70’s and early 80’s probably shouldn’t have survived, because our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.

When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and fluorescent ‘spokey dokey’s on our wheels.�

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags, riding in the passenger seat was a treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from bottles and it tasted the same.

We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no one minded.

We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, and no Internet chat rooms. We had friends we went outside and found them.

We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones but there were no law suits.

We had full on fist fights but no prosecution followed from other parents.

We played knock-and-run and were actually afraid of the owners catching us.

We walked to friend’s homes.

We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school; we didn’t rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls.

We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law unheard of. They actually sided with the law.

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you’re one of them. Congratulations!

Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow as real kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.

For those of you who aren’t old enough thought you might like to read about us.

This my friends, is surprisingly frightening……and it might put a smile on your face: The majority of students in universities today were born in 1983……..They are called youth.

They have never heard of “We are the World, We are the children”, and the “Uptown Girl”, they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel.

They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena or Belinda� Carlisle.

For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam.

AIDS has existed since they were born.

CD’s have existed since they were born.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can’t imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance.

They believe that Charlie’s Angels and Mission Impossible are Films from last year.

They can never imagine life before computers.

They’ll never have pretended to be the A Team, Red Hand Gang or the Famous Five.

They can’t believe a black and white television ever existed and don’t even know how to switch on a TV without a remote control.

And they will never understand how we could leave he house without a mobile phone.

Now let’s check if we’re getting old…

1. You understand what was written above and you smile.

2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night out.

3. Your friends are getting married/already married.

4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably with computers.

5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head.

6. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the good old days, repeating again all the funny you have experienced together.

7. Having read this mail, you are thinking of forwarding it to some other friends because you think they will like it too…

Yes, you’re getting older!!!!

Submitted by Sai1ram
Edited by Curtis

How do you kill 1,000 mexicans?

– Blow up K-Mart.

How do you kill 10,000 mexicans?

– Blow up K-Mart after it has closed.

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Smith looked out the window. “Good lord!” he screamed, “one of the engines just caught fire!”

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine caught fire on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn’t maintain order.

Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft.

There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached one of the packages to their backs. “Say,” an alert passenger spoke up, “aren’t those parachutes?”

The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, “But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?”

“There isn’t,” replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. “We’re going to get help.”

The newlyweds entered the elevator of their Miami Beach hotel. The operator, a
magnificent blonde, looked at them in surprise and said, “Why, hello, Teddy, how
are you?”
A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room, when the
piqued bride demanded: “Who was that woman?!”

“Take it easy, honey,” said the groom, “I’m going to have trouble enough
explaining you to her.”

Yo momma so fat, it takes her two trips to haul ass.

A Infantry General was visiting troops in Europe. Since he was a General officer, and thus very important, he was given a chopper with a warrant officer to fly it to ferry him from unit to unit. They had been visiting units most of the day and the General came back to the chopper only to see the engine torn apart and the warrant deep in the inner workings of the chopper. The general asked the warrant what was wrong and the warrant, as warrants do, launched into an extremely complex and detailed technical explanation of exactly what was wrong with the engine. The general listened to him for a couple of minutes and then said “Stop! Now Chief, you’re paid for your technical expertise and skill, and its obvious you have that, but the other thing you need to do is to be able to communicate to others what’s wrong in terms they can understand. Now what I want you to do is to tell me what’s wrong with that chopper in words I can understand”. The warrant thought for a moment and then got a big grin on his face.”OK General”, he said, “I think I can do that.” Then the warrant officer turned around, pointed at the helicopter, and grunted “UGH, BROKE!”

Don’t buy expensive ‘ribbed’ condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin into a bowl of iron filings.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You’ll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning; having had your memory mysteriously ‘erased’.

A Hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties.

Save money on expensive personalized car license plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes’ eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Thicken up runny low-fat yogurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be worn around the neck.

Anorexics, When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your head stuck in railings you’ll be able to grease your ears and slide out.

A next-door neighbors car antenna, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Hijackers, avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes, disguise the fact that you’ve taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem. He was told by his
boss to lay off one of his employees, either Mary or Jack.

His choice was a tough one because Mary had been a devoted employee for 10
years and Jack was a fine worker who had a family to support.
At night, the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide which of his
employees he would lay off.

Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow would be the one.
Morning finally comes and the VP waits at the office for one of the two
employees to arrive.

At 8:55 Mary walks into the office. “I’ve got a difficult decision” the VP
says, “I either have to Lay You or Jack off.”

“Oh? jack-off,” Mary says, “I’ve got a headache.”

10. You’re so tired, you now answer the phone with “Go to Hell.”

9. Your friends call to ask how you’ve been, and you immediately
scream, “Stop asking me all these damn questions!”

8. Your garbage can IS your “In” box.

7. You wake up to discover your house is on fire, but go back to
sleep because you just don’t care.

6. You consider a 40 hour week a vacation.

5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through
Monday.

4. You don’t set your alarm anymore because you know your pager
will go off before your alarm does.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.

2. Your DayTimer/Work Planner exploded a week ago.

And the number one sign that you are burned out because of
work…

1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail
right now.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.

Estaba un tipo tranquilamente ley�ndose el peri�dico en la terraza de la casa, cuando de pronto, viene su mujer por detr�s y le da con una olla en la cabeza.

El hombre, medio desmayado le dice a la esposa: “pero, �qu� pasa amor? �Qu� te he hecho?”

La mujer le muestra un papelito que tiene escrito “Maril�” y le recrimina: “esto lo encontr� en el bolsillo de tu pantal�n. �Eres un infame, un sucio!” Y se echa a llorar.

El hombre se le acerca y le susurra: “amor, no me juzgues mal. �Te acuerdas que el s�bado fui a las carreras de caballos? Maril� fue uno de los caballos por los que apost�”.

La mujer se disculpa, pues se da cuenta de que sus celos son infundados, y se retira a seguir sus deberes en la cocina.

El hombre sigue leyendo su peri�dico, cuando de pronto se aparece la mujer, que le vuelve a propinar otro golpe en la cabeza.

Al cabo de 5 minutos, el hombre recupera el sentido y le cuestiona a la mujer: “y ahora �qu� co�o pas�?”

“Tu caballo te llama por tel�fono”, responde la mujer.

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.”Whoa there Scotty!” said the doctor.”Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down… I think there’s yet another wee one to come.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.”No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man… It seems there’s yet another one besides!” cried the doctor.The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor.”Do ye think it’s the light that’s attractin’ them?”