Category: other

Dear Abby,

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I’ve never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,

I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I’m not even sure this baby I’m carrying is his.

Dear Abby,

I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,

I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,

Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,

I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,

My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,

I was married to Bill for three months and I didn’tknow he drank until one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby,

Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn’t and he finally did it.

Dear Abby,

My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.

Dear Abby,

Then you told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.

Dear Abby,

My boyfriend is going to be twenty years old next month. I’d like to give him something nice for his birthday. What do you think he’d like?

–Carol

Dear Carol,

Never mind what he’d like. Give him a tie

Dear Abby,

Our son was married in January. Five months later his wife had a ten-pound baby girl. They said the baby was premature. Tell me, can a baby this big be that early?

— Wondering

Dear Wondering,

The baby was on time, the wedding was late. Forget it.

Dear Abby,

I know boys will be boys, but my ‘boy’ is seventy-three and he’s still chasing women. Any suggestions?

— Annie

Dear Annie,

Don’t worry. My dog has been chasing cars for years, but if he ever caught one, he wouldn’t know what to do with it.

Dear Abby,

I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can’t afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?

— Sam

Dear Sam,

Yes. Run for public office.

Dear Abby,

What inspires you most to write?

— Ted

Dear Ted,

The Bureau of Internal Revenue.

Dear Abby,

I am forty-four years old and I would like to meet a man my age with no bad habits.

— Rose

Dear Rose,

So would I

Dear Abby,

What’s the difference between a wife and a mistress?

— Bess

Dear Bess, Night and day.

After a long discussion, a father agrees to let his son put him in a nursing home as long as the son calls each day to check on him. The first night, the old man becomes aroused while a nurse is giving him a bath and she takes care of it for him.

The next day the son calls and his dad says, “Oh, don’t worry about me son. This is a great place…I love it here.”

That evening an orderly is helping the old man into bed but he falls and as he is on his hands and knees trying to get up, the orderly mounts him and violates him.

The next morning the son calls and is surprised to hear his father crying and begging to go home. “Dad, what could have happened to change your mind so quickly?”

“Son, it’s like this,” his father explains, “I only get aroused once a year, but I fall down nearly every day.”

What is the difference between an Italian grandmother
and a Jewish grandmother?

One says, “If you don’t eat, I’ll kill you,” and the
other says, “If you don’t eat, I’ll kill myself.”

Preguntas reales realizadas por abogados a testigos.

P. Y bien, doctor, �no es cierto que cuando una persona muere durante el sue�o, no se entera hasta la ma�ana siguiente?

P. El hijo m�s joven, el de veinte a�os, �qu� edad tiene?

P. �Estaba usted presente cuando se tom� su foto?

P. �Estaba usted solo o era el �nico?

P. �Fue usted o su hermano menor quien muri� en la guerra?

P. ��l le mat� a usted?

P. �A qu� distancia uno del otro estaban los veh�culos en el momento de la colisi�n?

P. Usted estuvo all� hasta que se march� �no es cierto?

P. �Cu�ntas veces ha cometido usted suicidio?

P. �De modo que la fecha de la concepci�n del beb� fue el 8 de agosto?
R. S�.
P. �Y qu� estaba usted haciendo en ese momento?

P. Ella tuvo tres hijos �cierto?
R. S�
P. �Cu�ntos fueron varones?
R. Ninguno
P. �Hubo alguna mujer?

P. �Dice usted que las escaleras bajaban al s�tano?
R. S�.
P. �Y esas escaleras tambi�n sub�an?

P. Sr. Slatery, �usted fue a una luna de miel bastante rebuscada, no es cierto?
R. Fui a Europa, se�or.
P. �Y llev� a su nueva esposa?

P. �C�mo termin� su primer matrimonio?
R. Por muerte.
P. �Y por la muerte de qui�n termin�?

P. �Puede usted describir al individuo?
R. Era de talla mediana y ten�a barba.
P. �Era hombre o mujer?

P. Doctor, �cu�ntas autopsias ha realizado usted sobre personas fallecidas?
R. Todas mis autopsias las realic� sobre personas fallecidas.

P. Cada una de sus respuestas ha de ser oral, �de acuerdo? �A qu� escuela fue usted?
R. Oral.

P. �Recuerda usted la hora en la que examin� el cad�ver?
R. La autopsia comenz� alrededor de las 8:30 p.m.
P. �Y el Sr. Dennington estaba muerto en ese momento?
R. No, estaba sentado en la mesa pregunt�ndose por qu� estaba yo haciendo una autopsia.

P. �Est� usted cualificado para proporcionar una muestra de orina?
R. Lo he estado desde mi m�s tierna infancia.

P. Doctor, antes de realizar la autopsia �verific� si hab�a pulso?
R. No.
P. �Verific� la presi�n sangu�nea?
R. No.
P. Entonces, �es posible que el paciente estuviera vivo cuando usted comenz� la autopsia?
R. No.
P. �C�mo puede estar usted tan seguro, doctor?
R. Porque su cerebro estaba sobre mi mesa, en un tarro.
P. Pero, �podr�a, no obstante, haber estado a�n vivo el paciente?
R. Es posible que hubiera estado vivo y ejerciendo de abogado en alguna parte.

In the beginning God created the Heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And Satan said, “It doesn’t get any better than this.”

And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. Then God said, “Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit,” and God saw that it was good.

And Satan said, “There goes the neighborhood.”

And God said, “Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth.” So God created Man in His own image; male and female created He them.

And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 lb.

And God said, “Try my crispy fresh salad.”

And Satan brought forth Ben & Jerry’s. And Woman gained 10 lb.

And God said, “I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them.”

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained 10 lb. and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, “You’re running up the score, Satan.”

So then God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald’s. McDonald’s brought forth the $.99 double cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, “You want fries with that?” And Man said, “Supersize them.” And Man gained 5 pounds.

And Satan saw and said, “It is good.” And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan smiled and created HMOs.

There was a small boy who was put to bed by his parents. The boy had a nightmare, and got out of bed to go to his parents room. When he got there, he saw mommy bouncing up and down on daddy. When his dad noticed him in the doorway, the kid ran away. The mother got off and got dressed quickly, and went to the boy’s room. He was in his bed, and he asked, “Mommy, what were you doing to daddy?”The mother replied, “Well, your father has noticed his belly getting bigger, and I was just trying to flatten his tummy for him by bouncing on it.””Oh, that’s what you were doing. But you’re wasting your time mommy.” The boy said.”Oh, and why is that?” The mom asked.”Because everyday when you leave for work, the neighbor lady comes over, gets on her knees and blows it right back up again.

“I hope you didn’t take it personally, Reverend,” an embarassed woman said after a church service, “when my husband walked out during your sermon.”

“I did find it rather disconcerting,” the preacher replied.

“It’s not a reflection on you, sir,” insisted the church goer. “Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child.”

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Leroys says, “Hey, Jasper, there’s the NCO Club. Let’s you and me stop in.”

“But we’s privates,” protests Jasper. “We’s sergeants now,” says Leroy, pulling him inside.

“Now, Jasper, I’m a-gonna sit down and have me a drink.”

“But we’s privates,” says Jasper.

“You blind, boy?” asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. “We’s sergeants now.”

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. “You’re cute,” she says, “and I’d like to date you, but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhoea.”

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it’s okay, give me the okay sign.”

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.

“Jasper,” he says, “what fo’ you give me the okay?”

“Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates.” He points to his stripes. “But we’s sergeants now!”

The newlyweds entered the elevator of their Miami Beach hotel. The operator, a
magnificent blonde, looked at them in surprise and said, “Why, hello, Teddy, how
are you?”
A frosty silence prevailed until the couple reached their room, when the
piqued bride demanded: “Who was that woman?!”

“Take it easy, honey,” said the groom, “I’m going to have trouble enough
explaining you to her.”

A Infantry General was visiting troops in Europe. Since he was a General officer, and thus very important, he was given a chopper with a warrant officer to fly it to ferry him from unit to unit. They had been visiting units most of the day and the General came back to the chopper only to see the engine torn apart and the warrant deep in the inner workings of the chopper. The general asked the warrant what was wrong and the warrant, as warrants do, launched into an extremely complex and detailed technical explanation of exactly what was wrong with the engine. The general listened to him for a couple of minutes and then said “Stop! Now Chief, you’re paid for your technical expertise and skill, and its obvious you have that, but the other thing you need to do is to be able to communicate to others what’s wrong in terms they can understand. Now what I want you to do is to tell me what’s wrong with that chopper in words I can understand”. The warrant thought for a moment and then got a big grin on his face.”OK General”, he said, “I think I can do that.” Then the warrant officer turned around, pointed at the helicopter, and grunted “UGH, BROKE!”

Yo momma so fat, it takes her two trips to haul ass.

Don’t buy expensive ‘ribbed’ condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin into a bowl of iron filings.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You’ll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning; having had your memory mysteriously ‘erased’.

A Hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties.

Save money on expensive personalized car license plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes’ eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Thicken up runny low-fat yogurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be worn around the neck.

Anorexics, When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.

Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your head stuck in railings you’ll be able to grease your ears and slide out.

A next-door neighbors car antenna, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

Hijackers, avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.

An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes, disguise the fact that you’ve taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.