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Como cualquier viernes, dos tipos salen de trabajar y uno le pregunta al otro:
“�Entonces, vamos a la fiesta?”
“No, no puedo ir”, responde el amigo.
“�Por qu�?”
“Pues es que mi mujer me amenaz� ayer…”
“�Ay, ay! �Y qu� te dijo?”
“Me dijo: Mira cabr�n, es hora de poner reglas; ser� mejor que llegues temprano porque en esta casa se coge a las 9:00 p.m. est�s o no est�s”.
The Jewish civilization is 6000 years old.
The Christian civilization is 2000 years old.
This implies that for 4000 years, the Jews had to persecute themselves.
Pepito quer�a con todas sus ganas un billete de 500 para comprarse una patineta. As� que decide escribirle a Dios para ped�rselo. En la oficina de correos no saben que hacer con su carta, y se la env�an al Presidente del pa�s.
El Presidente lee la carta y se siente conmovido. Le pide a su secretario que le env�e un billete de 50 a Pepito, dici�ndose que con la crisis mundial, el peque�o comprender� que no le haya enviado los 500 que ped�a.
Algunos d�as despu�s Pepito recibe la carta con el billete de 50. De inmediato escribe una carta de agradecimiento a Dios: “Querido Dios, muchas gracias por haberme enviado el dinero. Pero te quiero pedir que la pr�xima vez no lo dirijas a la oficina del Presidente, ya que, como acostumbran, esos bandidos se robaron 450 de lo que me enviaste…”
What is the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottsman?
– Mick Jagger says, “Hey you, get off of my cloud.” and a Scottsman says,
“Hey McCloud get off of my ewe.”
A Dog Named Sex Everyone that has a dog names him “Rover: or “Champ” or something like that. Well, I named my dog sex. Now… Sex has been very imbarrassing for me. When I went to city hall to get him a licence… I told the clerk that I would like a licence for sex. He said “I would like one too!” Then I said “But this a dog.” He said ” I don’t care what she looks like.” I said “You don’t understand, I’ve had sex since I was 9 years old.” He said, I must of been quite a kid. When I got married and went on my honeymoon I took the dog along with us. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife, myself and specail one for sex. He said “That every room was for sex.” I said “You don’t understand sex keeps me up at night.” He said “Me too!” One day I enter Sex in a contest. But, before the compitition began, the dog ran off. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing and looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should of sold tikets.”But you don’t understand” I said ” I had hoped to have Sex on TV.” He called me a show off!When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said “Your Honor, I have had Sex before we were married.” The judge said “Me too.” Then I told him after I was married Sex left me.” He said “Me too!” Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over and asked me “What are you doing in this alley at 4 a.m. in the morning?” I said ” I was looking for Sex.” The casse comes up on Frieday!!!
1. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
3. Don’t bother me. I’m living happily ever after.
4. Do I look like a people person?
5. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
6. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
7. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
8. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
9. You! Off my planet!
10. I like cats, too. Let’s exchange recipes.
11. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
12. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
13. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
14. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
15. I’m working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
16. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
17. I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
18. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
19. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
20. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
21. Don’t worry. I forgot your name, too!
22. Adults are just kids who owe money.
23. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
24. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
25. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
26. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cat.
27. You look like a bumb. Is that the style now?
28. Earth is full. Go home.
29. Is it time for your medication or mine?
30. I plead contemporary insanity.
31. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
32. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
33. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
34. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
35. A bath would do you good.
Una noche, antes de acostarse, le dice una vieja a su marido:
“Mi amor, hoy quiero que hagamos el amor en el piso”.
“��En el piso?! Pero, mi amor, �y esa fantas�a de donde te sali�?”
“Viejo, es que hoy quiero sentir algo duro”.
Las diez cosas que un hombre har�a si se despertara con vagina:
10. Ir a comprar inmediatamente zanahorias y pepinos.
9. Estarse viendo con un espejo de mano por hora y media.
8. Ver si finalmente pueden hacer ‘splits’.
7. Ver si es posible lanzar una pelota de ping pong a 40 metros de distancia.
6. Cruzar las piernas sin reacomodarse la pistola.
5. Ligarse a alguien en menos de 10 minutos… �justo antes de cerrar el bar!
4. Tener orgasmos m�ltiples, uno despu�s del otro, sin tener que dormir antes.
3. Ir al ginec�logo a examinarse y pedir que lo graben en v�deo.
2. Sentarse en la orilla de la cama y pedir senos tambi�n.
Y la primera cosa que un hombre har�a si tuviera vagina ser�a…
�Encontrar, por fin, el maldito punto G!
What is the Cuban national anthem?
”Row Your Boat!”
En un concurso de perros, cuyo fin era elegir ganador al can que m�s perras montara, quedaron finalistas un bulldog, un doberman y un chihuahue�o arrech�simo. Vuelven a la carga los animales, y el primer turno es para el bulldog. El narrador del concurso comienza la cuenta:
“Tres perras… nueve perras… 39 perras… 56 perras… �Bravo, 56 perras!”
Sigue el doberman, y comienza el narrador:
“Nueve perras… 67 perras… 356 perras… �Bravo, 356 perras!”
Por �ltimo, es el turno del chihuahue�o bien arrecho. El narrador cuenta:
“Ochentinueve perras… 187 perras… 890 perras… �Tribuna sur!… �Tribuna oriental!… �Tribuna norte!… �Qu�tenmelo, qu�tenmelo!”
confucious say……..
…….. crowded elavator smell different to midget
……. man who fart in church sit in his onw pew
You know you are over hill when ….
1. You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
2. You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren’t wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you’re not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver license’s picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you’re on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with “Dr.”
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting lucky means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is only a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
24. You have more patience, but actually it’s just that you don’t care anymore.
25. You confuse having a clear conscience with a bad memory.
26. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
27. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don’t even remember being on top of it.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis