Category: other

Man�s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down
to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the
vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.
They have a couple of drinks, one thing leads to another and they end up in her
apartment.
After they have had their fun, he realizes it is 3AM and says, “Oh
no, its so late, my wife is going to kill me! Do you have any talcum powder?”

She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and
then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. “Where
the hell have you been?”

“Well, honey, it�s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they
were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great
looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I
ended up in bed with her.”

“Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!” She sees his hands are covered with powder.
“You liar! You went bowling again!”

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.George W. approached the man and inquired, “Aren’t you Moses?”The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.George W. positioned himself more directly in the man’s view and asked again, “Aren’t you Moses?”The man continued to peruse the ceiling.George W. tugged at the man’s sleeve and asked once again, “Aren’t you Moses?”The man finally responded in an irritated voice, “Yes I am.”George W. asked him why he was so uppity.Moses replied, “The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!”

Here’s Martha Stewart’s Etiquette Guide for Rednecks!

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
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DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup,and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
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ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table…no matter how good his manners are.
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PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
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DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back.Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
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THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.
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WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
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DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Bumper stickers seen this weekend …..

You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me.
I have the body of a god……..Buddha.
This would be really funny if it weren’t happening to me.
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
The face is familiar but i can’t quite remember my name.
Illiterate? Write for help.
Honk if anything falls off.
He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit.
This isn’t my idea of a good time.
It’s been lovely, but I have to scream now.
Uniquely maladjusted, but fun.
This bumper sticker exploits illiterates.
I haven’t lost my mind it’s backed up on disk somewhere.
Oh, evolve!
Gone crazy be back shortly.
If you’re not outraged you’re not paying attention.

When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a “dirty son of a bitch” to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office Christmas Party.

The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, I’d like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.

First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I’m very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours too. About the water cooler incident, you’ll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn’t hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.

To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the bannister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.

Sam, you old cuss, you’ve just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I’d have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that lady hadn’t been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.

Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure don’t they? And boy the water is sure cold!!

Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We’ll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.

Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn’t remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.

To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan’s panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it. Urinating in everyone’s drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.

Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my darndest to come to the picnic….

Q.What do you call a spaniard with a stolen
car?
A.Carlos

What do you call a paki in a microwave,BaDing

What do you call a paki in a bin, Rumageing

What do you call a paki who beats up his wife
Chinda
What do you call a paki who denied it in court, Asifachinda

An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. ”It’s free,” St. Peter replied, ”this is Heaven.” Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, ”What are the green fees?” St. Peter replied, ”This is heaven, you play for free.” Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the World laid out. ”How much to eat?” asked the old man. ”Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. ”Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly. St. Peter lectured, ”That’s the best part – you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.” With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, ”This is all your fault! If it weren’t for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”

One day there were three drunck teenagers. All of them were girls. As they were driving home the driver swerved of the road and over a cliff. When they hit the bottom of the cliff the car exploded.

When they were in heaven they found out that there was only one rule, do not step on a duck.

A few hours later the first woman steped on a duck. She then got chained to the most ugliest man ever. A couple days went by when the second woman steped on a duck and got chaned to the 2nd ugliest man ever.

So years went by and the third woman still did not step on a duck. She was shoping when all of the suddin a hansom man appered next to her. In aw she said “what i did not step on a duck.”” Then the man replied “”but I did.””

“

La maestra de Pepito est� preguntando a sus alumnos si saben qui�n fue el autor de algunas frases c�lebres que ella les dice, evitando obviamente a Pepito por sus respuestas groseras.

“A ver, ni�os, �qui�n dijo: despacio que voy de prisa?”

Pepito se deshace, grita, brinca, chifla… Pero la maestra le pregunta a Jaimito y �ste contesta:

“�Napole�n!”

La maestra vuelve a preguntar:

“�Qui�n dijo: el respeto al derecho ajeno es la paz?”

Pepito grita y la busca, le pide la palabra, pero la maestra lo evita y le pregunta a Lalito:

“�Qui�n fue?”

Lalito responde:

“!Benito Juarez!”

Y as� se pasa la clase, Pepito queriendo contestar y la maestra evit�ndolo.

Al terminarse la clase, Pepito frustrado le grita enfrente de todo el sal�n:

“�Qu� vieja tan mamona!”

La maestra ofendida se voltea y grita:

“��Qui�n dijo eso, qui�n dijo eso!?”

Y Pepito le contesta con mucho orgullo:

“�Clinton, maestra, Clinton!”

Va un tipo a un putiadero y pide que le den una puta, le responden que ya no hay. El tipo dice “�c�mo?, denme aunque sea la sirvienta.”

“Bueno, pero le advierto que tiene tres tetas.”

“Bueno, eso no importa.”

Cuando est� en el cuarto la puta se quita el brasier y el tipo dice: “uy, es cierto que tiene tres tetas.”

El tipo le coge las de las esquinas y chupa la de el centro.

A la otra semana va otra vez al putiadero y dice que le den la puta de tres tetas… cuando est� en el cuarto la puta se quita el brasier y el tipo dice “uy �por qu� ya no tienes tres tetas?”

La puta responde:

“�Ah, el barro ya se me quit�!”

A Dog Named Sex Everyone that has a dog names him “Rover: or “Champ” or something like that. Well, I named my dog sex. Now… Sex has been very imbarrassing for me. When I went to city hall to get him a licence… I told the clerk that I would like a licence for sex. He said “I would like one too!” Then I said “But this a dog.” He said ” I don’t care what she looks like.” I said “You don’t understand, I’ve had sex since I was 9 years old.” He said, I must of been quite a kid. When I got married and went on my honeymoon I took the dog along with us. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife, myself and specail one for sex. He said “That every room was for sex.” I said “You don’t understand sex keeps me up at night.” He said “Me too!” One day I enter Sex in a contest. But, before the compitition began, the dog ran off. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing and looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should of sold tikets.”But you don’t understand” I said ” I had hoped to have Sex on TV.” He called me a show off!When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said “Your Honor, I have had Sex before we were married.” The judge said “Me too.” Then I told him after I was married Sex left me.” He said “Me too!” Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over and asked me “What are you doing in this alley at 4 a.m. in the morning?” I said ” I was looking for Sex.” The casse comes up on Frieday!!!