Category: other

Is that your face or did your neck throw up?

There is this man who is an Atheist. He is walking through a
forest admiring it’s beauty. He notices the trees, flowers, and
everything surrounding him. All of the sudden, a huge bear
jumps out from behind one of the bushes. He begins to chase the
man and gains ground quickly on him. He captures the man and
pins him to the ground. He is about to swipe his big paw on the
man to kill him when the man screams out, “Oh my God!!!!!” Time
freezes and God appears out of nowhere. He tells the man, “All
your life, you have never believed in me and now at this time of
need you call upon me.” The man replies, “I will never become a
Christian, but if you could do one thing for me, change the bear
into a Christian.” God, being the nice man he is, agrees and
disappears again. The bear begins to slow his paw down and the
man is relieved while at the same time the bear begins, “Dear
Lord. Please bless this food I am about to receive….”

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There he is greeted by George Washington. “How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!” yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind: “You wanted to end the Americans’ liberty, so they gave you death!” Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, “This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!” He drops a large weight on Osama’s knee. Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged. As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, “This is not what I was promised!” An angel replies: “I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?”

Manual de buenos modales ante una felaci�n.(Escrito por las mujeres).

1.- Lo primero y m�s importante: no estamos obligadas a chup�rtela. As� que si lo hacemos, s� agradecido.

2.- No me importa lo qu� viste en el v�deo porno, lo com�n no es correrse en la cara de la chica.

Apostilla al punto n�mero 2: No, tampoco me lo tengo que tragar.

3.- Mis orejas no son asideros.

4.- No me empujes la cabeza. Mi garganta tiene una capacidad limitada. �Acaso quieres que te vomite en el pito?

5.- No me importa lo mucho que te relajes, no est� bien tirarse pedos.

6.- Que tenga la regla no quiere decir que sea la semana de las mamadas. Que te entre en la cabeza: estoy congestionada y hecha polvo. As� que no me siento particularmente obligada a chup�rtela s�lo porque t� no puedas coger ahora.

7.- Decir que te duelen los huevos por el calent�n, puede que haya funcionado en la escuela, pero ya no. Si est�s tan desesperado, hazte una pu�eta y d�jame en paz con mi Syncol.

8.- Si paro un momento para quitarme tu vello p�bico de ente mis dientes, no me digas que lo ech� a perder.

9.- Dejarme en la cama para ir a jugar videojuegos inmediatamente despu�s, no es nada recomendable para que mi comportamiento (mamada) se repita en el futuro.

10.- Si te gusta c�mo lo hago, lo mejor no es especular acerca del origen de mi talento. Simplemente disfruta el momento y al�grate de que sea tan buena. Recuerda lo de ser agradecido en el punto 1.

11.- No, no sabe particularmente bien. Y no me importa el aporte nutritivo de sus prote�nas.

12.- No, no lo har� mientras ves la tele.

13.- Cuando oigas a tus amigos quejarse de que no se la chupan lo suficiente, mant�n la boquita cerrada. No es apropiado ni compadecerse ni vacilar ante ellos.

14.- Porque se te ponga dura todas las ma�anas, eso no significa que tenga que darle un ‘besito de buenos d�as’.

Three surgeons are discussing patients they have operated on:

1st surgeon: “i like operating on the french, when you open them up, all their
parts are beautifully arranged and go back together perfectly no matter how you
replace them.”

2nd surgeon: “i like operating on germans, when you open them up, all the
parts are numbered and they are easy to replace.”

3rd surgeon: “i like operating on americans because the a****** and mouth are
interchangeable!”

Q: How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?

A: Turn off the carousel.

Man�s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down
to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the
vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.
They have a couple of drinks, one thing leads to another and they end up in her
apartment.
After they have had their fun, he realizes it is 3AM and says, “Oh
no, its so late, my wife is going to kill me! Do you have any talcum powder?”

She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and
then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. “Where
the hell have you been?”

“Well, honey, it�s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they
were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great
looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I
ended up in bed with her.”

“Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!” She sees his hands are covered with powder.
“You liar! You went bowling again!”

Have you heard of the new Mexican sports car?

– Its got four on the floor and twelve in the back seat!

Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee
listening to the weather report coming over the radio.

“There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the
streets.” Ole got up from his coffee and replies “Jeez, okay.”

Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of
morning coffee and the weather forecast is, “There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.” Ole got up from his coffee and replies, “Jeez, okay.”

Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of
coffee and the weather forecast is, “There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the…” and then the power went out and Ole didn’t get the rest of the instructions.

He says to Lena, “Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?”

Lena replies, “Aw, Ole, yust leave the car in the garage.”

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back “Revelation 3:20 ” and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation “Genesis 3:10”.

Revelation 3:20 reads: “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.” Genesis 3:10 reads: “And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.”

Entra un hombre al consultorio de un m�dico y le explica su problema:

“Doctor, ver�, mi problema es que tengo un test�culo de madera y otro de acero.”

“�QUEEEE?”, exclama el doctor, “no puede ser posible.”

“S�, tengo un test�culo de madera y otro de acero.”

“Esto no lo puedo creer.”

“En serio, si desea se los muestro.”

Efectivamente, se baja los pantalones y �zas!, uno de madera y uno de acero.

“Asombroso,” exclama el doctor mientras los examina meticulosamente, “pero que pena por usted que nunca podr� tener hijos.”

“C�mo que no?, si tengo ya dos hijos, y est�n en la recepci�n.”

“No puede ser, h�galos pasar.”

El paciente se incorpora y grita:

“��PINOCHO, ROBOCOB, PASEN!!”

Yo Bitch Boy if my dog was that ugly I would shave his ass and makes him walks
backwards.