Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?Because their balls cover their asshole, and they get air lock
Category: other
Top 10 Signs You’re Burning Out Because of Work
10. You’re so tired you now answer the phone, “Hell.”
9. Your friends call to ask how you’ve been, and you immediately scream, “Get off my back, jerk!”
8. Your garbage can IS your “in” box.
7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don’t care.
6. You have so much on your mind, you’ve forget often how to pee.
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through …er…. Monday.
4. You sleep more at work than at home.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively take your ID badge.
2. Your Day Timer exploded a week ago.
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
A priest a minister and
A priest a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender asks, “What is this a joke”
Llega un mortal al cielo
Llega un mortal al cielo y le pregunta a Dios: “Dios, �cu�nto tiempo es para ti mil a�os?”
Dios contesta: “Hijo m�o, eso es para m� como un segundo.”
El hombre se queda pensado y luego le pregunta: “Y �cu�nto ser�a para ti un mill�n de d�lares?”
Dios contesta: “Eso ser�a como un centavo.”
El hombre pensado todo eso le dice a Dios: “Dios �por qu� no me regalas un centavo?”
Dios responde: “S�, c�mo no, en un segundo…”
Oh My God!!
There is this man who is an Atheist. He is walking through a
forest admiring it’s beauty. He notices the trees, flowers, and
everything surrounding him. All of the sudden, a huge bear
jumps out from behind one of the bushes. He begins to chase the
man and gains ground quickly on him. He captures the man and
pins him to the ground. He is about to swipe his big paw on the
man to kill him when the man screams out, “Oh my God!!!!!” Time
freezes and God appears out of nowhere. He tells the man, “All
your life, you have never believed in me and now at this time of
need you call upon me.” The man replies, “I will never become a
Christian, but if you could do one thing for me, change the bear
into a Christian.” God, being the nice man he is, agrees and
disappears again. The bear begins to slow his paw down and the
man is relieved while at the same time the bear begins, “Dear
Lord. Please bless this food I am about to receive….”
A Fish Story!
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish.A man was walking by and said, “WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!”
The sister said, “Sir, you shouldn’t use God’s name in vain.” The man said, “But that’s the SPECIES of the fish — a Gauddam Fish.” The sister said, “Oh, ok.”
The Sister took the fish back home and said, “Mother Superior,
look at the Gauddam Fish I caught.”
Shocked, the Mother Superior said, “Sister, you know better than that.”
The nun said, “That’s the species of it — a Gauddam Fish.”
So the Mother Superior said, “Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I’ll clean it.”
While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother
Superior said, “Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister
caught.”
Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, “Mother Superior, you shouldn”t talk like that!”
Mother Superior said, “But that’s the species of it — a Gauddam Fish.” Monsignor said, “Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I’ll cook it.”
That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he
said, “Wow, what a nice fish.” In reply, the sister said, “Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish.”
And Mother Superior said, “I cleaned the Gauddam Fish.”
And Monsignor said, “I cooked the Gauddam Fish.”
The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said…
“I LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE ALREADY!”
Greek wedding
Why do they have Feta cheese at a Greek wedding? To keep the flies off the bride!
Cuando Abraham va a la
Cuando Abraham va a la escuela, descubre que es el �nico ni�o jud�o en la clase; pero como era un pueblo decente nadie lo molestaba. Un d�a, la maestra pregunta a la clase:
“�Qui�n es la persona m�s admirada que jam�s haya vivido y por qu�?”
Para hacerlo m�s interesante sostiene un billete de 20 d�lares en la mano y promete:
“Quien d� la mejor respuesta obtendr� estos 20 d�lares”.
Todos los ni�os empezaron a decir lo que ellos pensaban.
“George Washington, porque es el padre de los Estados Unidos”, dijo uno.
“Eso est� muy bien”.
“Abraham Lincoln, porque liber� a los esclavos”, sugiere otro.
“Muy bien”.
“Juana de Arco, porque salv� a Francia”, asegura una ni�a.
“Otra excelente opci�n”, acepta la maestra.
Entonces Abrahamcito levant� la mano. La maestra le interroga:
“Abraham, �qui�n crees que fue la persona m�s admirada que jam�s haya vivido y por qu�?”
“Jesucristo”, responde Abraham.
Impresionada, la maestra responde:
“Abraham, estoy muy sorprendida. Clase, yo creo que todos estamos de acuerdo en que Abraham es quien debe obtener estos 20 d�lares”, y le da el dinero a Abraham.
En el recreo, la maestra sigue impresionada y le pregunta a Abraham que por qu� Jes�s.
“Mire, personalmente pienso que la persona m�s admirada que jam�s haya vivido es Mois�s, pero… business are business!”
Bush Fans
There’s a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, Johnny. The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, “I’m not a bush fan.” The teacher says, “Why aren’t you a bush fan?” Johnny says, “I’m an Al Gore fan” The teacher asks why he’s an Al Gore fan. The boy says, “Well, my mom’s an Al Gore fan and my dad’s an Al Gore fan, so I’m an Al Gore fan!” The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, “What if you’re mom was a moron and you’re dad was an idiot, what would that make you?” Johnny says, “That would make me a Bush fan.”
El �ltimo d�a de clases,
El �ltimo d�a de clases, los alumnos le llevaron regalos a la maestra: el hijo del florista le entreg� un ramo de flores y la hija del confitero, una bonita caja de bombones. En eso, el hijo del due�o de la licorer�a se acerc� cargando una caja grande y pesada. Al recibirla, la maestra se dio cuenta que algo escurr�a por la base. Con el dedo recogi� una gota del l�quido y la prob�.
“�Es vino?”, pregunta tratando de adivinar.
“No”, responde el chico.
La maestra prob� otra gota:
“�Champa�a?”
“No”.
“Me rindo, �qu� es?”
“�Un perrito!”
Nut house
A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is renowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients.
The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet. One of the psychiatrist asks, “What are you doing?” She replies, “I’m studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society.” “Wow, that’s wonderful.”
The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, “What are you doing?” “I’m studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out”
Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis. The reaction of the psychiatrist, “My God what are you doing?” The man replied: “I’m fucking nuts and I’m never getting out of here”
Fun With Fast Food!
These are best to be used at Burger King or McDonald’s. (all of
these have been done before. their so funny when you do them)
1. when making your order inside or out start your order then
say waite a minutes and then change it again keep doing this
repeatedly (example:”yes id like a burger and fries no wait id
like chicken sandwitch no wait…keep going)
2. go through the drive through walking
3. ask for only one question package then go back every other
minute asking for only one more
4. right before you leave when theres a lot of customers start
screaming there’s a hair on my burger!
5. on the self refill things fill your cup up with one kind of
pop then dump it out and fill it up with another keep going
until someone says something to you.
6. order in a different language
7. pour out all the salt on the table and yell “its snowing its
snowing”
8. ask the the people working if they could put more hamburger
on this ketchup.
9. when ordering burp or fart at least ten times then look at
the people you dont know next to you and say this isnt the time
or place for releaving your gas the bathroom is right over there
10. sit down by yourself and just laugh histarically