Category: other

A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made “Tickle me Elmo dolls”. It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.
On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn’t keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls.

The boss could not control his laughter and said, “Lady, I said to give each doll Two—-Test—-Tickles.”

One day God was looking down to earth and saw all the evil going on. He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So, he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time. When she returned she told God, yes, it was bad on earth – 95 percent of people were bad and only 5 percent were good.Well, God thought for a moment and said that maybe he had better send down a male angel and so get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him down to earth for a time. When the male angel returned, he went to God and told him – yes, the earth was in decline. Ninety-five percent were bad and 5 percent were good.God said that this was not good. He would send a letter to the 5 percent of people that were good to encourage them and give them something to help keep them going. Do you know what the letter said?Oh, so you didn’t get one either?

One Halloween, Anthony and his friend Stephen been walkin
the main street with plans to egg places and people. None had
the gusts to throw an egg, but just because nothing was going
on, Stephen spoke up and said, “Hey Anthony, why aren’t you
throwin any eggs? Are ya scared?”
“Scared of what?” Anthony snapped back.
“Aw, you’re scared. Man, you’re a pussy I swear.” Shot back
Stephen.
“Your are what you it right? I guess that makes you shit,”
Anthony replied as he threw an egg at Stephen’s face.

A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop.After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didn’t stop, he just slowed down a little.The gentleman said ‘Stop or slow down, what’s the difference?’.The cop pulled the guy out of the car and hit him with a nightstick for about a minute and then said, ‘Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?’

A very proper man started going into the neighbourhood pharmacy every week to buy 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week he would come in with the same order.One day the pharmacist felt he had to say something to the man.”Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?”The man looked at him in disgust and said, “I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!””So,” the pharmacist asked, “then what do you do with all those condoms?”The gentleman answered, “I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags.”

If I looked as bad as you do I’d wear a mask.

Despu�s de un largo recorrido, llega una mujer a ver al brujo de la regi�n.

“�Por favorcito, h�game aste’ el favor de ir conmigo a ver a mi Tata, ya est� muy viejito y no puede venir desde el rancho hasta ac� y est� muy enfermito!”

“�Pero ‘onde lo va ust� a creer… tengo mucha gente, no puedo!

“�Andele, no sea malito, si no qu� hago, ni modo que deje morir a mi Tata!”

“Pos… mire, le voy a dar el remedio, pero lo tienen que seguir al pie de la letra, todo lo que yo diga lo tienen que hacer pero toditito al pie de la letra…”

“�Lo que ust� me diga con tal de curar a mi Tata!”

El brujo le explica a la mujer todo lo que ten�a que hacer con el viejito y despu�s de asegurarse de que le hab�a entendido, le insiste en que tiene que ser al pie de la letra.

Como pas� el tiempo y la se�ora no regres�, el brujo fue a verla un d�a a su casa.

“Buenas tardes… �Y qu� pas� con su Tata, ya se cur�?”

“�Nooo, fig�rese ast�’ que se nos muri�!”

“�Pero c�mo!, �qu� no le hicieron lo que le dije?”

“�Claro que s�, al pie de la letra como ast�’ dijo!”

“Y entonces �c�mo fue que se muri�?”

“Pos ver�, primero cortamos unas ramas de ruda y cmo ast�’ dijo, las dejamos serenar y aluego se las pasamos por toditito el cuerpo, aluego le untamos el aceitito que nos dio, y aluego, como ast� dijo, lo empezamos a sobar con un huevo, primero iba bien, pero ya cuando le llev�bamos el huevo estirado hasta el ombligo, pos nom�s dio un grito y ai qued� mi Tata…”

Haven’t I seen you on TV
Well yes I do appear off and on, how do you like me?
Off.

Llega un mortal al cielo y le pregunta a Dios: “Dios, �cu�nto tiempo es para ti mil a�os?”

Dios contesta: “Hijo m�o, eso es para m� como un segundo.”

El hombre se queda pensado y luego le pregunta: “Y �cu�nto ser�a para ti un mill�n de d�lares?”

Dios contesta: “Eso ser�a como un centavo.”

El hombre pensado todo eso le dice a Dios: “Dios �por qu� no me regalas un centavo?”

Dios responde: “S�, c�mo no, en un segundo…”

A priest a minister and a rabbi walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, “What is this a joke”

Behind every great man is a woman…

Wishing He’d get the hell out of her way!

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork stuck-fast in his ass.

He says, “How’d you get a cork in your ass?”

The other guy says, “I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, “I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish.”

And I said, “No shit.”