Category: other

A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

“Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm”?
“Because he was conceived during a mighty storm”, she said.

Then he asked “Why is my sister named Cornflower”?
“Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her”, she replied.

He then asked “And why is my other sister called Moonchild”?
“We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived”, the mother replies.

The mother paused and said to her son…
“Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious”

One day there was a blind man walking down the street and
he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.
He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.

Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and
said, “Hello ladies!”

Sister Margaret was a model nun all of her life, until she was called to get her just rewards. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said “Hold on, Sister Margaret…not so fast!””But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath… I have lived for this moment!” Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.”That is precisely the problem,” replied St. Peter, “…you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong”.”Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!” Sister Margaret pleaded.”I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then.” ordered St. Peter.Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. “Saint Peter” she gasped, “I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up”.”Good!” replied the old saint, “Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me back when you are ready.”Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniels.”Saint Peter, I feel woozy… that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me…it is all I can do to keep it down.””Good…good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong,” said St. Peter with delight.”Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense, and then call me.”A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:”Yo, Pete…it’s Peggy…It’s gonna be a while!”

Un borrachito llega a una cantina y le dice al cantinero golpeando la barra, “�Cantinero, cantinero, un tequila para mi, uno para usted y uno para todos los dem�s!”

Entonces el cantinero y las dem�s personas lo ovacionan, “�bravo, viva!”, y as� se la pasa pidiendo tequilas para todos. Al tomarse el �ltimo tequila, da las gracias y camina a la salida, pero el cantinero le exige el pago de todos los tequilas.

El borrachito dice que no tiene dinero, y el cantinero lo comienza a golpear sin misericordia y lo echa fuera de la cantina con una patada en el trasero.

Al siguiente d�a llega el mismo borrachito, todo madreado, y comienza a golpear la barra y gritando dice, “�Cantinero, cantinero, un tequila para mi, uno para todos y ni madres para usted, porque luego se pone como loco cabr�n!”

Q: What do you get when you cross a 1-legged Polak with a Mongoloid?

A: A Polaroid One-Step.

A man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys’ car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat. “Sir,” the cop says.”Why do you have all those knives?””They’re for my juggling act,” the man says.”I don’t believe you,” says the cop.”Prove it.” So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.”Man,” says the first guy.”I’m glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard.”

1. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

2. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

3. Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

4. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings — they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

5. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.

6. If at first you don’t succeed–try management.

7. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

8. Never quit until you have another job.

9. Hang in there: Retirement is only 30 years away!

10. Go the extra mile–It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

11. Pride, commitment, teamwork–words we use to get you to work for free.

12. Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.

13. There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don’t work here anymore.

Deshaci�ndose del gato
Toda angustiada, una mujer se dirige con su amiga y le comenta que el gato que compr� la tiene harta. La amiga le sugiere deshacerse de �l dej�ndolo en el basurero municipal. Al d�a siguiente, la mujer regresa nuevamente triste. Intrigada, la amiga le pregunta que qu� hab�a pasado con el gato y �sta le contesta:

“�El maldito gato volvi� a la casa y no se perdi�!”

“Esta vez vas al basurero y m�s adelante vas a encontrar un lago; dale dos vueltas y d�jalo en el �rbol que est� junto al lago. Ver�s que el gato no vuelve m�s a tu casa”.

Al d�a siguiente llega nuevamente triste:

“�El maldito gato regres� a la casa!”

“Bueno, esta vez te vas al basurero y sigues hasta el lago; le das dos vueltas y llegas al �rbol; pasas por el puente y te metes por el t�nel que hay all�. Al salir, bajas las escaleras que te llevan al zool�gico; das treinta pasos y sales por la puerta de emergencia; lo dejas en el pozo y ver�s que el gato no vuelve m�s a la casa”.

Al otro d�a cuando llega la amiga, curiosa la mujer le pregunta:

“�Qu� pas�?”

“Si no es por el maldito gato… �Me pierdo!”

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS president Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, “a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended” is still defined as committing suicide. Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but his suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the safety net. This caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus.When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident, that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple’s son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son’s financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over both the loss of his financial support and the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother’s murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth-story window. The son had actually murdered himself, so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

Over a round of golf, two doctors were talking shop.”I operated on Mr. Lee the other day,” said the surgeon.”What for?” asked his colleague.”About $6,000.” “What did he have?””About $6,000.”

Milagroso san Alejo,
con gran devoci�n te pido
que me quites lo pendejo
porque esto me trae jodido.

Trabajo con la ilusi�n
de ser rico antes que viejo,
pero no falta alg�n cabr�n
que me chingue por pendejo.

Mi familia muy contenta
gasta un dineral en casa
y no me hab�a dado cuenta…
�que por pendejo me pasa!

Uso amuletos confieso,
me hice ‘limpias’, no me quejo,
es muy cierto que progreso
pero s�lo en lo pendejo.

Que tan pendejo me siento,
que al dormir como una roca
si se me sale alg�n viento
�me levanto a ver quien toca!

Esc�chame san Alejo
esta oraci�n milagrosa,
porque s� que el que es pendejo
ni siquiera de Dios goza.

T� bien sabes cu�nto lucho
por sanar de mis complejos,
quiero triunfar como muchos
�que nom�s se hacen pendejos!

After Michael Jackson’s wife had her baby, Michael asked her how long it would be before he could have sex.

She replied “For Christ’s sake, let the little bastard start walking first !!!!!”