Category: other

A police officer (who shall remain nameless) pulled over a red Porsche
after it had run a stop sign. “May I see your driver’s license and
registration please?”

“What’s the problem, officer?”

“Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection.”

“Oh, come on pal, there wasn’t a car within miles of me”.

“Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both
ways, and proceed with caution.”

“you gotta be kidding me!”

“It’s no joke, sir”.

“Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty
miles, and proceeded with caution.”

“That’s beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete
stop, and you didn’t. Now if I may see your license and. . .”

“You’ve got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! What’s the matter, all the
doughnut shops closed?”

“Sir, I’ll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and
registration immediately!”

“I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and
coming to a complete stop.”

The police officer had enough. “Sir, I can do better than that.” He opened
the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to
methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.

“Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?”

A young man decided to join the police force. As a recruit he was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”

He answered, “Call for backup.”

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realised he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asks. The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.”

So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she processed his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.

She said, “You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too.”

What to not say to the nice policeman.I can’t reach my license unless you
hold my beer.Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged
in.Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?Hey, you must’ve been doing about
125 mph to keep up with me! Good Job!I thought you had to be in relatively good
physical condition to be a police officer.I was going to be a cop, but I decided
to finish high school instead.Bad cop! No doughnut!You’re not gonna check the
trunk, are you?Gee, that gut sure doesn’t inspire confidence.Didn’t I see you
get your butt kicked on Cops?Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on
my girlfriend’s nightstand.Is it true that people become cops because they are
too dumb to work at McDonald’s?I pay your salary!So, uh, you on the take or
what?Gee, Officer! That’s terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning,
too!Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.I was
trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around–that’s
how far ahead of me they are.What do you mean, “Have I been drinking?” You’re
the trained specialist.Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my
gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal,
forcing me to speed out of control.Hey, is that a 9mm? That’s nothing compared
to this .44 magnum!Hey, can you give me another one of those full body cavity
searches?

Jack was first up in his foursome. Eyeing the ball, he swung his club and hooked his shot over the fence and down a road where the ball crashed through the windshield of an oncoming car.

The startled driver lost control of his vehicle, and it spun into a parking lot and bounced off three cars.

Jack raced over to the crash scene and was relieved to find that no one was hurt. Almost immediately, a policeman arrived and approached Jack, who was standing next to the
crashed car, eyeing his ball.

“Just what are you going to do
about this?” demanded the policeman.

Jack looked up and said, “Well, the first thing I’m going to do is change my grip.”

A new mortuary in a tough mill town decided to advertise in an unorthodox fashion, and so draped a banner on the front of their building that read:

“Our Staff will stuff your Stiff.”

Not to be outdone, the madame across the street had her girls respond with a banner too:

“Our Stuff will stiff your Staff.”

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his
altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
“Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says: “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above
this field.”

“You must work in Technical Support,” says the balloonist.

“I do,” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically
correct, but completely useless.”

The man below says: “You must be in management.”

“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going,
but you expect me to be able to help. You’re still in the same position you were
before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

Sister Margaret was a model nun all of her life, until she was called to get her just rewards. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said “Hold on, Sister Margaret…not so fast!””But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath… I have lived for this moment!” Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.”That is precisely the problem,” replied St. Peter, “…you never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong”.”Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!” Sister Margaret pleaded.”I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then.” ordered St. Peter.Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. “Saint Peter” she gasped, “I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up”.”Good!” replied the old saint, “Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me back when you are ready.”Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after taking several belts of Jack Daniels.”Saint Peter, I feel woozy… that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me…it is all I can do to keep it down.””Good…good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong,” said St. Peter with delight.”Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense, and then call me.”A week passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:”Yo, Pete…it’s Peggy…It’s gonna be a while!”

Un borrachito llega a una cantina y le dice al cantinero golpeando la barra, “�Cantinero, cantinero, un tequila para mi, uno para usted y uno para todos los dem�s!”

Entonces el cantinero y las dem�s personas lo ovacionan, “�bravo, viva!”, y as� se la pasa pidiendo tequilas para todos. Al tomarse el �ltimo tequila, da las gracias y camina a la salida, pero el cantinero le exige el pago de todos los tequilas.

El borrachito dice que no tiene dinero, y el cantinero lo comienza a golpear sin misericordia y lo echa fuera de la cantina con una patada en el trasero.

Al siguiente d�a llega el mismo borrachito, todo madreado, y comienza a golpear la barra y gritando dice, “�Cantinero, cantinero, un tequila para mi, uno para todos y ni madres para usted, porque luego se pone como loco cabr�n!”

“My god! What happened to you?” the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

“I got in a tiff with Riley.”

“Riley? He’s just a wee fellow,” the barkeep said, surprised. “He must have had something in his hand.”

“That he did,” Kelly said. “A shovel it was.”

“Dear Lord. Didn’t you have anything in your hand?”

“Aye, that I did — Mrs. Riley’s tit.” Kelly said. “And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.”

Dentro de un ascensor se estaba jugando un partido de futbol.

Desde afuera se escuchaba: “�Haga el pase, t�quela, cr�cela, cabecee, am�guele, lev�ntela!”

De un momento a otro se escuch�: “�GOOOOOOOOOOL, GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!!!”

Todos los jugadores del equipo voltean a mirar al arquero de una forma inquisitiva. Este, vi�ndolos con cara de preocupaci�n, les dice:

“�PERO QUE, NO VEN QUE ME DEJARON SOLO?”

You’re so bald that I can see what’s on your mind!