Category: other

The most dangerous thing in the world. Is a fag with a chipped tooth.

Dear __________________________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was
exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also
failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an
opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future
romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were
disqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply)

__ Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it,
or subjecting my children to it.

__ Your first name is objectionable. It’s just not something I can picture
myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

__ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald’s
reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

__ Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms by the truckload”
indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my
personality.

__ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20
questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

__ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

__ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you
can’t GET into my pants.

__ You’re too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up
repeatedly at recess. AMEN!

__ You’re too tall. I’m developing a chronic neck condition from trying to
kiss you.

__ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent
slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

__ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms
a little disconcerting.

__ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you
are some sort of psychotic stalker.

__ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a
long term partner.

__ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however,
happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your
application.

__ The fact that you categorize the ProBowler’s Tour as ‘Must
See TV’ demonstrated that you do not meet my intelligence requirements.

__ Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were
really necessary for a successful business trip.

__ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,

In the beginning was the plan.
And then came the assumptions.
And the assumptions were without form.
And the plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the workers.
And the workers spoke among themselves, saying, “this is crock of s***, and it
stinks.”
And the workers went unto their supervisors and said, “it is a pail of dung,
and we can’t live with the smell.”
And the supervisors went unto their managers, saying, “it is a container of
excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.”
And the managers went unto their directors, saying, “it is a vessel of
fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”
And the director�s spoke between himself and herself, saying to one another,
“it contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”
And the directors went to the vice presidents, saying unto them, “it promotes
growth, and it is very powerful.”
And the vice presidents went to the president, saying unto him, “this new plan
will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful
effects.”
And the president looked upon the plan and saw that it was good.
And the plan became policy.
And that, my friends, is how s*** happens.

Q: How did the Polish mother teach her son which way to put his underwear on?

A: Yellow in the front, brown in the back!

Adam was wandering around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, when he heard a loud voice ask him, “What is wrong with you?” Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to, and he was feeling very lonely.

Then the loud voice said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. The voice continued, saying; “this person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.”

Adam thought that sounded great, so he asked “What would a woman like this cost me??”

The voice answered, “an arm and a leg.”

Adam thought about that for a moment. He thought that would be a pretty high price to pay, so he then asked, “What can I get for just a
rib???”

The rest is history . . .

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.””Forget it, man,” said his partner, “you don’t stand a snowball’schance in hell of hitting her from here!”

Yo’ mama so stupid, she bought a glass door with a peephole.

“Abuelita, �qu� es un amante?”

De pronto, la viejita deja sus palitos de tejer, suspende el balanceo de su mecedora, abre los ojos como recordando algo y echa a correr escaleras arriba, hacia el viejo almac�n de la casa. Una vez all� se precipita corriendo hacia el antiguo ropero de roble, abre la puerta de �ste… � Y cae al suelo un esqueleto totalmente calato!

Three celebrities – Shaggy, Justin Timberlake, and Britney Spears – were all in an elvator and they some one farted.

Sshaggy said “it wasn’t me”. Justin says “bye bye bye”. Britney says “opps I did it again”

The next day they were all in a hot tub and there were bubbles everywhere. Shaggy says “it wasn’t me”. Justin says “bye bye bye”. Britney says “stronger than yesterday”.

what kinds of jokes does this website give?…STUPID WEIRD AND NOT FUNNY JOKES!!!

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think
of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the
entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said “Preacher, I
don’t believe the Bible mentions PMS”.

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and
that he would look for it.

The following week after the service, the preacher called the woman
aside and showed her a passage which read, “And Mary rode Joseph’s ass
all the way to Bethlehem.”

A Texan, a Californian, and an Oregonian go to a bar.

The Texan takes out a bottle of Tequila and takes a swig. He throws the nearly full bottle in the air, takes out a .45 and shoots the bottle. The people in the bar gasp and ask him why he did that. He says “Where I come from, we’ve got lots of Tequila.”

The Californian (not to be outdone by the Texan) takes out a bottle of wine, corkscrew and wineglass. He pours a glass of wine, swirls it and takes a sip. He throws the nearly full bottle of wine in the air, takes out a little silver pistol, and shoots the bottle of wine. The people in the bar gasp and ask him why he did that. He says , “I’m from Napa Valley, we have plenty of wine.”

The Oregonian takes out a bottle of beer and drinks the whole thing. He throws the bottle in the air, takes out a Rugar FastAction, shoots the Californian, and catches the beer bottle. The people in the bar gasp and ask him why he did that. He says, “Where I’m from, we have plenty of Californians. But I want to recycle this bottle.”