Wilkinsons Razors

“Y’all got any American razor blades in here?” the Texan asked the London pharmacist. “All I see are these damn Wilkinsons.”

“Sir,” the Englishman patiently replied, “Wilkinson has been producing the finest surgical instruments, weapons and razors since before Waterloo.”

“I don’t give a damn if they passed them out on Noah’s Ark if they ain’t any good,” the Texan retorted.

“I can assure you they are very good sir.” the peeved druggist said. “Why just last year, my wife swallowed one. It gave her a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, circumcised the gardener, emasculated a neighbor, cut two of a delivery boy’s fingers off at the knuckle — and I still got 10 shaves out of it.”

Un ciego est� sentado en

Un ciego est� sentado en una esquina pidiendo limosnas. Para llamar la atenci�n, usa una lata donde hay una moneda, la cual tira con precisi�n al aire y la recoge con la misma lata, de forma que hace un sonido caracter�stico cada vez que la moneda cae en la lata.

“La limosna al ciego, CLANK, la limosna al ciego, CLANK, la limosna al ciego, CLANK…”

Un tipo va pasando por ah� y observa como el ciego lanza la moneda y cae a la lata, y decide coger la moneda en el aire, para ver como reacciona el ciego.

El ciego no se da cuenta y sigue con su procedimiento, pero ahora no hay sonido:

“La limosna al ciego,—–, la limosna al ciego,—–, la limosna al ciego,—–“

El ciego asustado exclama:

“Ya me fregu�, ahora adem�s de ciego �SORDO!”

Hidden Message

There is a pond, and above this pond there is a fly. Underneath the water there is a fish who sees the fly and says to himself: “you know…if that fly lands on that water, I’m gonna get me that fly”

Standing on the shore of the pond is a bear who says to himself: “you know…if that fly lands on the water and that fish jumps out and gets that fly…I’m gonna get me that fish.”

Standing off behind a tree is a hunter who sees the bear and thinks to himself: “you know…if that fly lands on the water and the fish gets the fly and the bear gets that fish…I’m gonna shoot me that bear.”

Hanging out of the hunter’s back pocket is a half of a sandwich. Standing behind the hunter is a mouse who says to himself: “you know…if that fly lands on that water and the fish gets the fly and the bear gets the fish and that hunter shoots that bear…the sandwich might fall out of his pocket and I’ll get me that sandwich.”

Standing off behind the mouse is a cat who says to himself: “you know…if that fly lands on the water and the fish gets the fly and the bear gets the fish and the hunter shoots the bear and the sandwich falls out of the hunter’s pocket and the mouse gets the sandwich…I’m gonna get me that mouse.”

Well sure enough the fly lands on the water and the fish gets the fly and the bear gets the fish and hunter shoots the bear and the sandwich falls out of the hutner’s pocket and the mouse gets the sandwich and the cat lunges for the mouse but misses(!) and rolls down the hill and lands in the lake.

MORAL OF THE STORY…A LOTTA SHIT HAS TO HAPPEN FOR THE PUSSY TO GET WET!!!

Hid the gold

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife.

“I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant it?”

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter, “Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the gold.”

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife. “You wouldn’t believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the back garden!”

The prisoner wrote another letter: “Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce.”

En una clase de Ciencias,

En una clase de Ciencias, la profesora explica la lecci�n:

“Hoy vamos a hablar de las hienas: Son animales que viven en el centro de �frica, se alimentan de carne en estado de putrefacci�n, realizan el acto sexual una vez al a�o y el rugido que emiten es parecido a la sonrisa humana.”

Al d�a siguiente, la profesora le pregunta al pelota de la clase la lecci�n:

“Pedro, dime la lecci�n.”

“Bueno, las hienas son animales que viven en el centro de �frica, se alimentan de carne en estado de putrefacci�n, realizan el acto sexual una vez al a�o y el rugido que emiten es parecido a la sonrisa humana.”

“Muy bien Pedro; tienes un 10.”

Seguido le pregunta al “pasti” de la clase:

“Miguel, dime la lecci�n.”

“Las hienas…. son bichos que viven en medio de �frica, comen carne podrida, chingan una vez al a�o y cuando rugen parece que se r�en.”

“Bueno Miguel, podr�as haberla dicho mejor pero tienes un 5.”

Por �ltimo le pregunta a Jaimito:

“Jaimito, dime la lecci�n.”

“Las hienas…, las hienas… ���son animales que para vivir donde viven, comer la mierda que comen y lo poco que chingan, no se de que co�o se r�en!!!”

Smelling your meal

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

“I’m sorry, Sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I’ll smell it and order from there.”

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

“Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.

The cook happens to be the owner’s wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

“Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.”

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great; I’ll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.”

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.”

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

“Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, “Hey, I didn’t know that Mary worked here?”

Romantic Pink Slip

Dear __________________________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further
contention as Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was
exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also
failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an
opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future
romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were
disqualified from the competition: (Check those that apply)

__ Your last name is objectionable. I can’t imagine taking it, hyphenating it,
or subjecting my children to it.

__ Your first name is objectionable. It’s just not something I can picture
myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

__ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald’s
reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

__ Your inadvertent admission that you “buy condoms by the truckload”
indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my
personality.

__ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20
questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

__ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

__ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you
can’t GET into my pants.

__ You’re too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up
repeatedly at recess. AMEN!

__ You’re too tall. I’m developing a chronic neck condition from trying to
kiss you.

__ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent
slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

__ Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms
a little disconcerting.

__ Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you
are some sort of psychotic stalker.

__ Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a
long term partner.

__ Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however,
happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your
application.

__ The fact that you categorize the ProBowler’s Tour as ‘Must
See TV’ demonstrated that you do not meet my intelligence requirements.

__ Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were
really necessary for a successful business trip.

__ I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,

How it Happens

In the beginning was the plan.
And then came the assumptions.
And the assumptions were without form.
And the plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the workers.
And the workers spoke among themselves, saying, “this is crock of s***, and it
stinks.”
And the workers went unto their supervisors and said, “it is a pail of dung,
and we can’t live with the smell.”
And the supervisors went unto their managers, saying, “it is a container of
excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.”
And the managers went unto their directors, saying, “it is a vessel of
fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”
And the director�s spoke between himself and herself, saying to one another,
“it contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”
And the directors went to the vice presidents, saying unto them, “it promotes
growth, and it is very powerful.”
And the vice presidents went to the president, saying unto him, “this new plan
will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful
effects.”
And the president looked upon the plan and saw that it was good.
And the plan became policy.
And that, my friends, is how s*** happens.