Category: other

A Baptist preacher and a catholic preacher are driving out on a road.

The catholic preacher sees a cat in the middle of the road, and slams on his brakes. The cat is avoided, but the Baptist preacher hits the back of the catholic preacher.

They step out of their cars, and begin talking. “Oh, I am so sorry, that was my fault,” says the Baptist preacher.

While waiting for the cops after they called by cell phone, the preachers soon start talking about their professions to pass the time.

“You know, I never understood why catholic preachers don’t drink wine to represent Christ’s blood.” The catholic preacher responds, “Well, we believe that drinking wine is wrong, and just use grape juice instead.” “I have a bottle of wine in my glove compartment right now. Tell you what, let’s drink a little right now while waiting for the cops.”

“Oh, no I couldn’t, replies the catholic, but after pressuring him, the catholic preacher soon agrees.

The Baptist preacher takes out the wine and a couple of Dixie cups, and pours a little into each. The catholic preacher drinks it down quickly. “That wasn’t that bad, you’re right,” the catholic preacher says. Noticing the baptist hasn’t drank his wine, he asks, “Aren’t you going to have some?”

“Oh sure,” the other replies, “I’ll wait until after the cops come though.”

Theater Guest A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”The man groaned but didn’t budge.The usher became impatient. “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.Finally, they summoned the police.The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy, what’s your name?””Sam,” the man moaned.”Where ya from, Sam?”With pain in his voice Sam replied “… the balcony.”

Three Nuns In Heaven

Three nuns die and go up to heaven. They are met at the pearly gates by St. Peter.

St. Peter congratulates the three ladies for the good work they have done on earth during their lifetime. However as a final test they must all answer one question before they can enter heaven.

To the first nun he asks Who was the first man?

She replies “Adam.”

St. Peter allows her in.

To the second nun he asks “Who was the first woman?”

She replies “Eve.”

St. Peter allows her in.

To the third nun he asks “What were the first words Eve said to Adam?”

She replies “Damn that’s hard.”

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis

President Bush nominated John Bolton as the new ambassador to the U.N.

He did it while the Senate was in recess.

Democrats say President Bush circumvented the system to get his way.

President Bush says that’s ridiculous. I’ve never circumvented anything, I’m not even Jewish.

A seventy year old man is over head and ears in love with a twenty year old girl. But it isn’t mutual.Granny decides to do something about it: fitness, plastic surgery, everything’s done to make him look more youthful. And with success, a couple of months later he walks out of the church a married man, holding the hand of his beautiful bride.Great is his anger when at that time a bus runs over him and kills him.Furious he walks up to the angel Gabriel at the gate of heaven and says: ‘How can you do this to me now that I’ve finally got what I wanted!’ Gabriel laughs painfully and says: ‘Sorry man but I just didn’t recognize you.’

3 men went up to heaven and St.Peter said, “Whatever you do
don’t step on a cloud.” So the first guy is walking along and he
steps on a cloud and he gets this really ugly girl on his back.
The other two said, “What happened?” He said, “I stepped on a
cloud.” Then the second guy is walking and he steps on a cloud
and the same thing happens. The guys said, “What happened?” He
said, “I stepped on a cloud. So then the third guy steps on a
cloud and he gets this beautiful girl on his back. The other two
went, “Hey that’s not fair how did that happen?” The girl said,
“I stepped on a cloud.”

A man walks into the woman’s section of a department store and tells the sales clerk he wants to buy a bra for his wife.
“What type of bra?” asked the clerk.

“Type?” inquires the man, “there’s more than one type?”

“There are three types.” Replies the clerk,

“The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?”

Still confused the man asked, “What is the difference in them?”

The clerk responds, “It is really very easy. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Baptist type makes mountain’s out of mole hills.”

Enfurecido porque los animales no lo reconocen como el Rey de la Selva, Tarzan empieza a cuestionar y a golpear a cada animal que sale a su paso:

“�Qui�n es el Rey de la Selva?”, le pregunta a la jirafa.

“El le�n”.

Entonces, el Hombre Mono comienza a golpearla, al tiempo que vuelve a preguntar:

“�Qui�n es el Rey de la Selva?”

“�T�, t� eres el Rey de la Selva!”, contesta asustada la jirafa.

Y as� continua con todos los animales de la selva, hasta que se encuentra al elefante; pero �ste no responde. Tarzan insiste y comienza a golpearlo:

“�Qu� qui�n es el Rey de la Selva, te estoy preguntando!”

Fastidiado, el paquidermo le responde los golpes a Tarzan. Espantado el Hombre Mono balbucea:

“�Pinche elefante, si no sabes qui�n es, pregunta!”

HOW TO PUT AN ELEPHANT INTO A REFRIGERATOR: Analysis: 1) Differentiate it and put into the refrig. Then integrate it in the refrig. 2) Redefine the measure on the referigerator (or the elephant). 3) Apply the Banach-Tarsky theorem. Number theory: 1) First factorize, second multiply. 2) Use induction. You can always squeeze a bit more in.Algebra: 1) Step 1. Show that the parts of it can be put into the refrig. Step 2. Show that the refrig. is closed under the addition. 2) Take the appropriate universal refrigerator and get a surjection from refrigerator to elephant.Topology: 1) Have it swallow the refrig. and turn inside out. 2) Make a refrig. with the Klein bottle. 3) The elephant is homeomorphic to a smaller elephant. 4) The elephant is compact, so it can be put into a finite collection of refrigerators. That’s usually good enough. 5) The property of being inside the referigerator is hereditary. So, take the elephant’s mother, cremate it, and show that the ashes fit inside the refrigerator. 6) For those who object to method 3 because it’s cruel to animals. Put the elephant’s BABY in the refrigerator.Algebraic topology: Replace the interior of the refrigerator by its universal cover, R^3.Linear algebra: 1) Put just its basis and span it in the refrig. 2) Show that 1% of the elephant will fit inside the refrigerator. By linearity, x% will fit for any x.Affine geometry: There is an affine transformation putting the elephant into the refrigerator.Set theory: 1) It’s very easy! refrigerator = { elephant } 2) The elephant and the interior of the refrigerator both have cardinality c.Geometry: Declare the following: Axiom 1. An elephant can be put into a refrigerator.Complex analysis: Put the refrig. at the origin and the elephant outside the unit circle. Then get the image under the inversion.Numerical analysis: 1) Put just its trunk and refer the rest to the error term. 2) Work it out using the Pentium.Statistics: 1) bright statistician. Put its tail as a sample and say “Done.”2) dull statistician. Repeat the experiment pushing the elephant to the refrig.3) Our NEW study shows that you CAN’T put the elephant in the refrigerator.

Why do prostitutes get buried in triangular coffins when they die?As soon as their heads hit the pillow their legs spread.

Terribly agitated, Richard rushed into his dentist’s examining room and ushered the hygienist firmly to the door. Once he was alone with the doctor, he unzipped his fly and gingerly pulled out his dick.”Richard, Richard,” said the dentist, taken aback.”I’m a dentist. If you think you have V.D., you need to see your regular doctor.” “It’s not V.D.,” gasped Richard, “and you’ve gotta help me. There’s a tooth stuck in it.”

I overheard a friend telling his pal, “I can’t break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning.””What is she doing?”, the pal asks.”Waiting for me to get home.”