Category: other

The following are ways to detirmine whether a truck is company owned:

1. Company trucks travel faster in all gears.

2. They accelerate much faster than personal trucks, leaving tire marks on pavement.

3. They enjoy a much shorter braking distance, leaving more tire marks.

4. They can take bumps at twice the speed of private trucks.

5. Company trucks normally require oil changes at 100,000 mile intervals.

6. Their floors are shaped like ash trays, and accommodate milk cartons, coke bottles, leftover food, and paper wrappers.

7. They can be driven 100 miles or more with the oil pressure light flashing.

8. They are adapted to allow the transmission to be shifted into reverse while going forward at 20 mph.

9. Their tire walls are designed for bumping into and over curbs.

10. Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning the radio volume up.

11. Company trucks are not designed to be washed or waxed or to retain hubcaps.

12. All company trucks have many dents in the body, inflicted by a mysterious person called “not me”.

A woman was in court for shop lifting a tin of peaches. The judge said: “You will do a year in prison for each peach in the tin.” Her husband got up and said; “She stole a tin of beans as well.”

A bank robber was running from the law. The police were on his tail and he had nowhere to go so he went into a church.

A priest started to talk to him and just as he was asking him why he stole the money the robber heard sirens. He shot the priest and moments later the police shot the robber.

Somehow there was a mix up; the robber went to heaven and the priest went to hell.

Luckily, they found the mistake and when they were changing places, they both met in the middle.

The priest said to him, “I can’t wait until I meet the Virgin Mary!”

The robber said, “She’s not a virgin anymore.”

Note: Our “Send this Joke to A Friend” email thingy doesn’t transmit pictures. But if you see this in email, you can click on the link above!

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father, l has a problem. I have
these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?”
“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but l have a solution to your
problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and l will put them in
with my two male parrots who l taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots
will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female
parrots will learn to worship.”
“Thank you!” the woman responded. So the next day, the lady brings her female
parrots to the priest’s house. The priest’s two parrots are holding rosary beads
and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female
parrots say, “Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the
bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!”

A whole family was caught in a small boat during a sudden storm off the shores
of Florida, but towed to safety in Fort Lauderdale by the ever alert U.S. Coast
Guard.

“I always knew God would take care of us,” said the composed five year
old daughter of the boat owner after the family got home.

“I like to hear you say that,” beamed the mother. “Always remember that God is
in his heaven watching over us.”

“Oh, I wasn’t talking about that God,” the five year old interrupted.

“I was talking about the COAST God.”

He’s as sharp as a beach ball.

Stupidity doesn’t count as a handicap, park elsewhere.

I would engage in a battle of wits with you, but I refuse to
duel with and unarmed person.

The proctologist called!…they found your head!

His elevator won’t go to the top.

She’s a few fries short of a Happy Meal.

People would follow him,but only out of morbid curiosity.

Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, you might
leave a stain.

If ignorance is bliss you must be orgasmic!

Everyone has a photographic memory you just don’t have film.

You couldn’t get a clue during clue mating season in a field of
clues if you smeared your body in musk and did the clue mating
dance.

Just because your head is pointed, that doesn’t mean you’re
sharp.

May your life be like toilet paper–long and useful.

If my dog looked as ugly as you, I’d shave its butt and teach
him to walk around backwards!

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, you’re abusing the privilage.

All foam, no beer.

A woman in her 90’s is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She can’t live without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesn’t want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is.

He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger.

Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman’s left thigh.

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new
recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a
100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and
listened to Jones’s sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance
to the new recruits, and then said:

“If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government
has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI insurance, and
you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of
$6000.”

“Now,” he concluded,” which bunch do you think they are going to send
into battle first?

A waitress walks up to a table where three Japanese men are seated. When she gets to the table, the waitress notices that the three men are furiously masturbating.

She asks, “What the hell are you three perverts doing?”

One man replies, “We all very hungry!”

She answers, “But why are you jerking off?”

Another man answers, “Because menu say” ‘First Come, First Served!'”

Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis and Christine

A Baptist preacher and a catholic preacher are driving out on a road.

The catholic preacher sees a cat in the middle of the road, and slams on his brakes. The cat is avoided, but the Baptist preacher hits the back of the catholic preacher.

They step out of their cars, and begin talking. “Oh, I am so sorry, that was my fault,” says the Baptist preacher.

While waiting for the cops after they called by cell phone, the preachers soon start talking about their professions to pass the time.

“You know, I never understood why catholic preachers don’t drink wine to represent Christ’s blood.” The catholic preacher responds, “Well, we believe that drinking wine is wrong, and just use grape juice instead.” “I have a bottle of wine in my glove compartment right now. Tell you what, let’s drink a little right now while waiting for the cops.”

“Oh, no I couldn’t, replies the catholic, but after pressuring him, the catholic preacher soon agrees.

The Baptist preacher takes out the wine and a couple of Dixie cups, and pours a little into each. The catholic preacher drinks it down quickly. “That wasn’t that bad, you’re right,” the catholic preacher says. Noticing the baptist hasn’t drank his wine, he asks, “Aren’t you going to have some?”

“Oh sure,” the other replies, “I’ll wait until after the cops come though.”

A woman is in the delivery room giving birth, the doctor tells her to push.

She does and the baby’s head pops out.

The doctor says, “Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes.”

To which she replies “Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try.”

The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again.

This time the baby’s body comes out.

“Holy Shit, your baby has a white body,” the doctor says.

“Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try,” she said.

The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out.

“Holy Shit! Your baby has black legs,” the doctor said.

“Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try,” she said.

So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the ass, it starts to cry.

The doctor turns to the woman and asks, “How are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, white body, and black legs?”

The woman replies “I’m just glad it didn’t bark!”