Category: other

1.You’ve lost the feeling below your ankles.
2.When you walk you have to waddle like a duck, so you fabricate a story about
a knee-injury to dismiss curious nlookers.
3.When you wake up in the morning you can still see the impression of where
your keys were in your pants pocket the night before.
4.The last time you tried to retrieve your wallet from your back pocket you
lost a finger.
5.Your farts take up to three-and-a-half minutes from start to finish, and
produce the sound frequency of a dog whistle.
6.People ask you questions like, “Are you a professional scuba diver, or do
you just wear the gear?”
7.The last time you sat down, the top button of your pants snapped off with
the speed of a hunting rifle, injuring a co-worker.
8.It takes you forty-five minutes to put them on, even with the aid of a small
crane and a power winch.
9.When you ask for an honest opinion, your spouse tells you your pants look
great.
10.Your name is Al Roker.

A woman dies and goes to heaven. While waiting in line, she hears
this terrible screaming and moaning. This disturbs her somewhat, so
she tracks down St. Peter to find out what is going on. “Oh, that,” he
says, “that’s just the woman in front of you. They are drilling holes
in her back to attach her wings.” The woman is still a bit upset by
this and is pondering her position when the screaming starts again.
This time it is louder and more blood curdling than before. She calls
St. Peter over again to find out what is happening to the woman now.
“Oh, that,” he says, “they’re just drilling holes in her head to
attach the halo.” The woman decides that she wants out and tells St.
Peter that she has changed her mind and wants to be sent to hell. “Are
you sure you want to go there?” he says. “It’s a terrible place,
you’ll end up getting sodomized and raped and even worse!” “That’s
okay” says the woman, “I already have the holes for that!”

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising.Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. “No, thank you,” Mrs. Watkins replied. “The Lord will provide.” The men shrugged and rowed on.By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. “Don’t trouble yourself,” she told him. “The Lord will provide.”Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, “The Lord will provide.”So the boat left, the water rose and the old woman drowned.Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. “What happened?” she cried.”For cryin’ out loud, lady,” God said, “I sent three boats!”

What do a moped and a fat lady have in common?

They are both fun to drive, and you wouldn’t want your friends to see you
on one.

Q: Why are black people so fast?

A: All the slow ones are in jail.

Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in the room holding their newborn baby.

“Stop! You can’t do this!” exclaimed the brother.

“And why not?” asked Stan. “Don’t you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have here?”

Stan said nothing.

The brother grew impatient, “C’mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle.”

Stan couldn’t take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother, “You’re SURE you want a nephew?”

“Yes,” the brother replied. “It would be an honor!”

“Well congratulations, you’re holding him!”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Tantilazing

A man sobering up from the night before was sitting through the Sunday sermon,
finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nodded
off.

The priest had been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and
was disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decided to make an example
of him.

He said to his congregation, “All those wishing to have a place in heaven,
please stand.” The whole room stood except, of course, the sleeping man.

Then the preacher said even more loudly, “And he who would like to find a
place in hell please STAND UP!”

The weary man caught only the last part groggily stood up, only to find that
he was the only one standing.

Confused and embarrassed he said, “I don’t know what we’re voting on here,
Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing up for it!”

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that
reads:
Dear Wife (that’s what he called her):

I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel
with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as
follows:

Dear Husband (that’s what she called him):

I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the
Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy.

You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many
more times than 54 goes into 18.

En la ciudad de M�xico abrieron un restaurant con un letrero que dec�a: “Comidas ex�ticas, si no encuentra lo que usted pide le regalamos un mill�n de pesos”.

Un muchacho ve el letrero y se anima a entrar. Llama al mesero y le dice, “Mesero, tr�igame por favor unas hormiguitas negras rellenas de nalga de hipop�tamo!”

Y el mesero contesta, “�S�, c�mo no!”

A los 5 minutos se las traen. Al d�a siguiente vuelve a pasar y dice, “Ora s� me la van a pelar!” Llama al mesero y le dice, “Quiero un caldo de cuerno de rinoceronte joto.”

Y el mesero le contesta otra vez con tonito mam�n “�S� como no SE�OR!”

Y a los 5 minutos, �le traen su caldo con todo y mo�ito para que creyeran que era puto!

Vuelve a pasar por ah� y dice “�Vas a ver que lo que te voy a pedir hoy no lo van a tener! �TRAEME UNOS SANDWICHES BIEN TOSTADOS DE CHICHIS DE SIRENA LACTANDO!”

Y el mesero, pensando y sudando le responde “Perm�tame tantito, se�or (Ahora sin el tono mam�n). Se tarda el mesero 5, 10, 15, 20, 25,30 minutos… y llega con el mill�n de pesos del cliente dici�ndole: “Lo siento, se�or, pero no tenemos su orden, �Acaba de ganar usted un mill�n de pesos!”

El cliente burl�ndose le dice: “�Ya ve, ya ve, no ten�an chichis de sirena!”

Y el mesero contesta encabronado y cag�ndose del coraje: “�no se�or, es que se nos acab� el pinche pan Bimbo!”

Entra un borracho en la iglesia a la hora de la consagraci�n:

“�S�rvanle a todos, yo pago!”, grita el borracho acaparando la atenci�n de todos.

“�Shhh, estamos en misa!”, protesta la gente tratando de o�r la misa.

El borrach�n sigui� acerc�ndose al p�lpito gritando de nuevo:

“�S�rvanle a todos, yo pago!”

“�Shhh, no ve que estamos en misa! �C�llese!”

El beodo sigue avanzando y grita nuevamente:

“�Qu� le sirvan a todos, yo pago!”

Ya enfadado, un sacerdote que estaba en el confesionario lo rega�a:

“�Ya c�llese, tenga respeto en la consagraci�n!”

El temulento se le queda viendo fijamente y vuelve a gritar:

“�A ese que est� en el retrete tambi�n s�rvanle, yo pago!”

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.

“Sister, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.

“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and what I don’t need I give to the church.”

“That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”

“Oh, $2,000 a week.”

“Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?”

“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.

“That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?”

“Well, he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas.”

Dos ni�os de 5 a�os estaban orinando y uno le dice al otro:

“�Porqu� tu pene es tan raro?”

“Porque me circuncidaron.”

“�Y qu� quiere decir eso?”

“Que me cortaron el pellejito del pene.”

“�Y qu� edad ten�as cuando te lo hicieron?”

“Mi mam� me dijo que dos d�as.”

“�Y no te doli�?”

“Por supuesto que s�, �no pude caminar en un a�o!”