Category: other

There was a man called steven and a man called andy they went to
the bar to get a packet of crisps then the woman at the bar said
they could only have them if see kissed one of them this woman
was coverd in scabs so andy kissed her and took her to the bed
room he
picked the scabs off her and put it in a crisp packet then he
threw it out the window then steven saw them and started to
eating them

Una ni�a que le pregunta a su madre:

“Mam�, �c�mo se hacen los ni�os?”

“Ni�a, a los hijos los trae la cig�e�a.”

“Entonces, �quien se coge a la cig�e�a?”

Woman’s Quote of the Day:

“Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it’s our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you’d like to have dinner with.”

Men’s Counter-Quote of the Day:

“Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Un hombre mayor va al m�dico porque ya no rinde lo que debiera rendir en la cama.

“Mire, doctor, que yo antes en la cama era un tigre y ahora pues ya no”.

“Hombre, usted tiene que entender que a su edad…”

“Ya, pero tal vez usted pudiera hacer algo para solucionarlo”.

“Mire, para que usted lo entienda: un hombre a lo largo de su vida puede tirar 2000 cohetes; cuando los cohetes se acaban no se puede hacer nada”.

Al d�a siguiente vuelve el hombre y protesta:

“Mire, doctor, usted me dijo que un hombre pod�a tirar 2000 cohetes. Yo llevo casado con mi mujer desde el 58 y habr� tirado unos 1000 cohetes; entre ligues y juventud otros 500, �d�nde est�n los 500 que faltan?”

“�Y los que le han explotado en la mano?”

A Canadian was in France, out of his wallet he removed a stick of gum he had from the airport in Canada and started to chew it. He walked into a French coffee shop and sat himself beside an English speaking French man. Frenchman: In Canada, what do you do with your used tires? Canadian: We send ’em to France to get turned into paper plates.French man: What do you do with your used plastic bags? Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) We send ’em to France to get turned into picket fences. Hey, what do you do with your used crazy glue? French man: We send it to Canada to get turned into bubble gum!

Two atoms are walking down the street…one atom says to the other “I think I
lost an electron” The other atom says “are you sure?” “Yeah I’m Positive!”

An American, an Australian and an Irishman were stranded on an island for several days. One day a bottle washed ashore and when they picked it up, a genie rushed out.

Oh masters, he said. For releasing me from this bottle you will each have one wish.

The American said: I wish to be surrounded by a bevy of beautiful girls in Waikiki beach. Whoosh, the American was gone to Hawaii.

The Australian said: I wish to be in a casino in the Australian Gold Coast. Whoosh, and off he went.

The Irishman could not decide what he wanted. After a long time, he said: Gee, it’s very lonely here on this island. I wish my friends were back here!

Un tio quiere llevar a su mujer a la opera para celebrar las bodas de plata. Como la mujer es muy palurda y un poco guarra, empieza a echarse spray de desodorante en los sobacos, y despues por los brazos, y despu�s en la cara y despu�s en el torso, y despu�s en la espalda… El marido, cansado de oir tanto Psssss Pssss le dice: “Maria, �y el agujero de ozono?” “�Ah! �s�! se me olvidaba. Pssssss…”

Why was the washing machine laughing? Because it was taking the piss out of
the pants.

Questions…

1. When I go in, I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?

2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?

3. I’m spread before I’m eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?

4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?

5. All day long it’s in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?

6. I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. What am I?

7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It’s my job to stuff your box. When I come, it’s news. What am I?

8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?

9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I’m called a big swinger. What am I?

10. I’m at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?

Answers:

1. a dentist

2. a wedding ring

3. peanut butter

4.chewing gum

5. an elevator

6. a nose

7. a newspaper boy

8. a glove

9. a crane

10. a toothbrush, of course!

Now Really!!! Just what were you thinking?

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, if they’re small enough.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to
advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their
Serviceman’s Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn’t long before the center’s
Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance
sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt.
stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said, “If
you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay
$200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have SGLI, and you go into battle
and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000.”

“Now,” he concluded, “which bunch do you think they are going to send into
battle first?”