Category: other

Tim Kelly was walking therough a dim passageway when someone spoke to
him. “Good evenin’, Kelly,” said the muffled figure. “Don’t ye be knowin’ your
old friend Grogan any more?”

Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages and
adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning on a crutch.

“Saints!” cried Kelly. “Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did ye merely
jump from the trestle?”

“It could’ve been both,” said Grogan, “considerin’ the feel of it. But the
truth is, I was in bed with Murphy’s wife when Murphy himself comes in with
a murtherin’ big shillelagh in his hand, and the inconsiderate creature
beat the livin’ bejazus outa me.”

“He did indade,” said Kelly. “But couldn’t ye defend y’rself, Grogan?
Hadn’t ye nothin’ in your own hand?”

“Only Mrs. Murphy’s ass,” said Grogan. “It’s a beautiful thing in
itself, but not worth a dom in a fight.”

Yo’ mama so fat, she has to sleep in shifts!

Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age.The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no one’s surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones.But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, “You’ve got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn’t any calcium in a kiss!”The scientist replied calmly, “In a good kiss, there’s enough calcium to make a bone about 6 inches long.”

God says to Adam, “What would you like in a wife?”

“Hmmm,” says Adam, “I’d like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I’d like her to do whatever I tell her to. I’d like he to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me.”

“Hmmmm”, God says, “I can do it, but it’ll cost you an arm and a leg.”

“Oh,” says Adam, “Well what can I get for a rib?”

Two little girls playing with a ball in the garden. The ball rolls under a nearby bush so one of the little girls crawls under to get it out. Unfortunately it’s a thorn bush, so she gets a thorn stuck in her finger. Crying, she runs indoors shouting “Mummy Mummy, I’ve got a thorn in my finger – get some apple juice!”

Mum says: “But why do you want apple juice – wouldn’t a bandage be nicer?”

And the little girl says : “Well, I was playing with Rosie, and her big sister says that whenever she gets a prick in her hand she puts it in cider.”

Dejan al capataz encargado de la finca y al regreso el patr�n le pregunta que ha pasado en la durante el tiempo que estuvo fuera. El capataz le dice que lo �nico es que el gato se muri�.

“�Pero de qu� se muri� el gato?”

“De indigesti�n.”

“�Por qu� de indigesti�n?”

“Pues como el caballo de 5 millones se muri�, c�mo ibamos a desperdiciar la carne…”

“�C�mo que se muri� el caballo, c�mo ocurri�?”

“Pues por el esfuerzo que hizo, patr�n.”

“�Esfuerzo de qu�?

“Pues cargando el agua.”

“�Agua para qu�?”

“Pues para apagar el incendio patroncito.”

“�Cu�l incendio?”

“El que se produjo por las velas.”

“�Cu�les velas?”

“Las del velorio de su mam�.”

“�C�mo? �Que se muri� mi mam�?”

El patr�n coge al capataz a patadas y pu�etazos y le da una paliza tremenda. Al final, el capataz le dice al patr�n:

“Si hubiera sabido que se iba a poner as�, mejor no le hubiera contado lo del gato, patroncito…”

A Syrian guy walked into a cafe. He sees a Lebanese guy eating croissants and
jam.
Syrian Guy: “Do Lebanese people eat the insides of the croissants?”

Lebanese Guy: “Of course. Why? What’s wrong with that?”

Syrian Guy: “Well for your information, the insides of the croissants are
firstly recycled by the Syrians then sold to the Lebanese. Now as for the jam –
do you guys eat jam?”

Lebanese Guy: “Of course. Why?”

Syrian Guy: “Well, you know the fruits are firstly peeled, eaten then the
peels would be then recycled and then sold to the Lebanese.”

Lebanese Guy: “Do Syrians have sex?”

Syrian Guy: “Yes, of course.”

Lebanese Guy: “Do you use condoms?”

Syrian Guy: “Of course. Why?”

Lebanese Guy: “Well.. when the Lebanese use condoms they recycle them and sell
them to the Syrians.”

An Aussie bloke is having a quiet drink in a bar and leans over to the big guy next to him and says, ‘Do you wanna hear a Kiwi joke?The big guy replies, ‘Well mate, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I’m 1.90 m tall, 125 kg and I played as a forward for the All Blacks.” “The guy next to me is 1.85 m, weighs 115 kg and he’s an ex-All Black lock.” “Next to him is a bloke who’s 2 m tall, weighs 120 kg and he’s a current All Black second rower. Now do you still want to tell that Kiwi joke?”The first bloke says, “Nah, not if I’m going to have to explain it three times.”

one day a man said to his son go get some fruit pills from the chemist.so the boy is skipping down the road chanting ” fruit pills for daddy, fruit pills for daddy” and he runs into a poll and bumps his head and forgets what he was saying. then he got up saying root pills for daddy, root pills for daddy he gets to the chemist and says can i have some root pills please and the lady says yes but tell your daddy that he needs to take 1 every 24 hours.the boy is skipping home chanting 1 every 24 hours,1 every 24 hours and bumps into a poll.then he gets up saying 24 every 1 hour, 24 every 1 hour he gets home gives his father the pills and says take 24 every 1 hour.the father reads the bottle and says these are not fruit pills go back and get some.so the boy is runing chanting fruit pilss for daddy, fruit pills for daddy and runs into a poll he gets up saying root pills for daddy, root pills for daddy.he gets to the chemist and asks for some root pills the lady asks how are you going with the other ones the says my mummys vibrater got stuck, my daddy is still in hospital and my sister was last seen doing the dog.

Nelson Bayardo, famoso aprendiz de escritor Uruguayo, entrevist� al Coronel Escayola en Tacuarembo, Uruguay. Bayardo le dice: “�Es cierto que usted tuvo 64 hijos?”

“S�, le dice Escayola, y por hacer tantos hijos no pude llegar a General y me qued� en Coronel.”

“Y… �se acuerda de sus nombres de todos?”

“�No! s�lo me acuerdo de uno que se llamaba Carlos”.

“�Ah! ya s�, le dice Bayardo, Carlos Gardel, �verdad?”

“No s� si se apellidaba Gardel, pero s� s� que se llamaba Carlos”.

“Que incre�ble, Coronel y d�jeme preguntarle: Los 64 hijos los tuvo usted con ‘la misma?'”

“S�, Nelson, con ‘la misma’, s�lo que con diferentes mujeres”.

“Qu� b�rbaro le dice Bayardo, entonces yo me siento hoy muy afortunado, Coronel.”

“�Por qu�?”, le dice Escayola.

“�Porque hoy debe ser uno de los pocos d�as en que se le encuentra a usted vestido y en uniforme!”

Sister Catherine was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up.Little Sheila says, “When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!”Sister Catherine’s eyes grow wide and she barked, “What did you say?!” “A prostitute!” Sheila repeated.Sister Catherine breathed a sight of relief and saying, “Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant”

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling
a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn’t been paid. The
collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, “We can’t ship your new
order until you pay for the last one.”

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, “Please
cancel the order. We can’t wait that long.”