Category: other

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, “Do you still get horny?” The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?”The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”

Your cooking is so bad, the homeless give it back!

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said “I’m sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren’t ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be.” “Great!” said the first guy, “I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!” “No problem,” replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. “And what do you want to be,” St. Peter asked the other guy. “I’d like to be one cool stud!” was the reply. “Easy,” replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone. After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. “You’ll find them easily,” he says, “One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!”

The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a “HONK IF
YOU LOVE JESUS” bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on my back bumper and I’m
glad I did.

What an uplifting experience followed. That bumper sticker really worked!!

I found lots of people who loved Jesus.

I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about
the Lord. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy.

He must REALLY love Jesus because pretty soon he leaned out of his window and
yelled “JESUS CHRIST!” as loud as he could.

It was like a football game with him shouting, “GO!…JESUS CHRIST!…GO!”
Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out the window and smiled and
waved to all those loving people.

There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I heard him yell
something about a sunny beach and saw him waving with only his middle finger.

I asked my kids what he meant by that and they laughed and said it was the
Hawaiian good luck sign. So I leaned out of the window and gave him the good
luck sign back.

A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got
out of their cars and started running towards me!

I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed
so I stepped on the gas.

It’s a good thing that I did because I was the only driver to get across the
intersection.

I looked back and everyone was still standing there so I leaned way out the
window and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful people!

The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary.

The old woman said, “We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon.”
“Uh huh,” said the old man.

“We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon,” said the old woman.
“Uh huh,” said the old man.

“And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon,” said the oldwoman.
“That’s right,” said the old man, “except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry,
‘It’s too big, it’s too big!'”

Yo’ mama so fat, she has to sleep in shifts!

God says to Adam, “What would you like in a wife?”

“Hmmm,” says Adam, “I’d like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I’d like her to do whatever I tell her to. I’d like he to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me.”

“Hmmmm”, God says, “I can do it, but it’ll cost you an arm and a leg.”

“Oh,” says Adam, “Well what can I get for a rib?”

Researchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age.The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no one’s surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones.But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, “You’ve got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn’t any calcium in a kiss!”The scientist replied calmly, “In a good kiss, there’s enough calcium to make a bone about 6 inches long.”

Two little girls playing with a ball in the garden. The ball rolls under a nearby bush so one of the little girls crawls under to get it out. Unfortunately it’s a thorn bush, so she gets a thorn stuck in her finger. Crying, she runs indoors shouting “Mummy Mummy, I’ve got a thorn in my finger – get some apple juice!”

Mum says: “But why do you want apple juice – wouldn’t a bandage be nicer?”

And the little girl says : “Well, I was playing with Rosie, and her big sister says that whenever she gets a prick in her hand she puts it in cider.”

Dejan al capataz encargado de la finca y al regreso el patr�n le pregunta que ha pasado en la durante el tiempo que estuvo fuera. El capataz le dice que lo �nico es que el gato se muri�.

“�Pero de qu� se muri� el gato?”

“De indigesti�n.”

“�Por qu� de indigesti�n?”

“Pues como el caballo de 5 millones se muri�, c�mo ibamos a desperdiciar la carne…”

“�C�mo que se muri� el caballo, c�mo ocurri�?”

“Pues por el esfuerzo que hizo, patr�n.”

“�Esfuerzo de qu�?

“Pues cargando el agua.”

“�Agua para qu�?”

“Pues para apagar el incendio patroncito.”

“�Cu�l incendio?”

“El que se produjo por las velas.”

“�Cu�les velas?”

“Las del velorio de su mam�.”

“�C�mo? �Que se muri� mi mam�?”

El patr�n coge al capataz a patadas y pu�etazos y le da una paliza tremenda. Al final, el capataz le dice al patr�n:

“Si hubiera sabido que se iba a poner as�, mejor no le hubiera contado lo del gato, patroncito…”

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t
control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to
repeat the words, “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted,
“That’s not what I said!”

Monday
8:00 Husseinfeld.
8:30 Mad About Everything.
9:00 Suddenly Sanctions.
9:30 Allah McBeal.

Tuesday
8:00 Wheel of MisFortune and Terror.
8:30 The Price Is Right if Saddam Says It’s Right.
9:00 Children Are Forbidden to Say the Darndest Things.
9:30 Iraq’s Funniest Public Execution Bloopers.

Wednesday
8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer.
8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy.
9:00 Just Shoot Me.
9:30 Veilwatch.

Thursday
8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi.
8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H.
9:00 Veronica’s Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses.
9:30 My Two Baghdads.

Friday
8:00 Judge Saddam.
8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things.
9:00 Achmed’s Creek.
9:30 Nowitness News.