Yours Fun Portal !
This is a true story of what a friend’s son did on their way to
the mall:
Of course, the 4 year old son was in the back of the
corvette and the mother and mother’s sister was in the front
just chatting away. Before they know it, a teen couple
had been driving like mad mans (typical teenagers for ya)
and cut them off. The driver/mother then rolls down her
windows and screams “Jackass! Learn how to drive!”
Son in back: (looking around vigourously) “Where? I don’t see
my dad!”
Q: Where did the squirrel hide his nuts?
A: In the bag under the log.
A woman rushes into a police station and cries, �Help, help! I�ve been molested by a virgin!�
Calming the woman down, an officer asks, �How do you know it was a virgin?�
The woman gasps, �Because I had to help him.�
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
20> Well, *somebody* keeps stealing your Yoo-hoo out of the break room refrigerator.
19> Every Casual Friday when Bob from Engineering breaks out the Hawaiian shirt, the Ghost of Good Taste can be heard wailing from behind the copier.
18> Cat-hating poltergeists wipe the hard drive every time you add another Garfield magnet to your PC.
17> No matter what you do, Windows 98 simply WILL NOT CRASH!
16> You find yourself suddenly covered in slime, and there’s nobody from Marketing anywhere nearby.
15> You hear the blood-curdling groans of endless souls in hellish torment… no, wait, it’s just a standard Monday morning.
14> Craig T. Nelson has to tie a rope around your waist every time you go into the men’s room.
13> Never seems to be enough Green Vomit Cleanser in the supply closet.
12> Every time you answer the red phone in your new office, it’s Nixon wanting to talk to your Dad.
11> The cubicle next to yours is suddenly swarming with hundreds of flies and… no, hold on — it’s just your dead-for-five-days co-worker.
10> You make a fresh pot of coffee, turn your back for a second, and it’s gone!
9> You sell insurance for John Hancock — and he attends most of the board meetings.
8> One little puddle of ectoplasm shows up on the receptionist’s chair and *you* get fired for sexual harassment.
7> AIEEEEE! It’s the Headless Tech Support Man!!!
6> Odd noises, strange scents, suspicious looks — and it’s not burrito day in the cafeteria.
5> Your scary Lon Chaney, Jr. screensaver mysteriously replaced by even scarier Dick Cheney/Junior screensaver.
4> When you photocopy your ass, the ghostly image of another ass appears next to it.
3> Every morning you walk past dozens of pale, bleary-eyed zombies wearing tattered clothes and typing line after line of code without blinking — but they don’t like Ho-Hos and Jolt Cola.
2> You could have sworn you were fellating the President, yet he insists that he did not have sex with you.
1> There’s blood everywhere and voices screaming “Get Out!”, and you’re not a dot-com business.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]Un par de amigas caminaban solas a altas horas de la noche por un barrio temible, cuando de pronto sienten a lo lejos unos pasos apresurados detras de ellas.
Las dos amigas asustadas deciden apresurar el paso y no se detienen para nada… hasta que llegan a un callej�n sin salida.
De repente en la oscuridad ven al tipo que las persigue acercarse con baba en la boca; y una de ellas le grita alocadamente ante la inminencia de un ataque brutal:
“��Qu� chucha quieres?!”
El violador contesta:
“!AH, PUEDO ESCOGER!”
�Qu� dicen las mujeres, seg�n su nacionalidad, despu�s de hacer el amor?
La Argentina: “�Che! Eres un Dios.”
La Cubana: “Cosa m�s grande, caballero.”
La Gringa: “MMmmmmm… Sorry… �What�s your name?”
La Italiana: “��Ma� que cosa!!”
La Mexicana: “�Te juro que es la primera vez, no vayas a creer que soy as�!”
* Nearly ALL sick people have eaten PEAS (obviously then, the effects are cumulative).
* An estimated 99.9% of all people who die from cancer or heart attacks have eaten PEAS.
* Another 99.9% of people involved in auto accidents ate PEAS within 60-days before the accident.
* Some 93.1% of juvenile delinquents come from homes where PEAS were served frequently.
* Among people born in 1839 who later dined on PEAS, there has been a 100% mortality rate.
* All PEA-eaters born between 1900-1910 have wrinkled skin, have lost most of their teeth, have brittle bones and failing eyesight (provided, of course, that eating PEAS hasn’t already *killed* them).
A new company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new
boss is determined to rid he company of all slackers. On a tour of the
facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers
and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!
The CEO, walks up the guy and asks – �and how much money do you make a week?�
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, �I make $200.00 a
week. Why?�
The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams – �here�s a week�s pay,
now GET OUT and don�t come back!�
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and
asks – �does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?�
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters – �That was the Pizza
delivery guy�.
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, “Do you still get horny?” The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?”The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”
Jaimito escribe una carta en Navidad:
“Querido ni�o Jes�s:
Este a�o me he portado muy pero muy bien y espero que en Navidad me dejes una bicicleta junto al arbolito.
Atentamente Jaimito”.
Al dirigirse a dejar la carta, junto al pesebre vi� el rostro de la Virgen Mar�a que lo miraba fijamente. Arrepentido, rompi� la carta y escribi� una nueva:
“Querido ni�o Jes�s:
Este a�o me he portado bien y espero que me traigas una bicicleta y la dejes junto al �rbol de Navidad.
Atentamente Jaimito”.
Nuevamente se dirige al pesebre y siente la mirada de la Virgen Mar�a; duda un momento y rompe la carta, para escribir otra nueva:
“Querido ni�o Jes�s:
Este a�o no me he portado muy bien, pero si me traes una bicicleta prometo que el pr�ximo s� lo har�.
Atentamente Jaimito”.
Se dirige al pesebre y nuevamente siente que la Virgen Mar�a lo observa; se detiene y piensa un segundo; toma la carta; la rompe; toma la figura de la Virgen Mar�a; la encierra en el ropero y escribe:
“Jes�s:
Tengo a tu madre. Si quieres volver a verla, d�jame una bicicleta junto al �rbol esta Navidad”.
Your cooking is so bad, the homeless give it back!
Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said “I’m sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren’t ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be.” “Great!” said the first guy, “I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!” “No problem,” replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. “And what do you want to be,” St. Peter asked the other guy. “I’d like to be one cool stud!” was the reply. “Easy,” replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone. After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. “You’ll find them easily,” he says, “One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!”