Category: other

* Spit-polishes his halo
* Buys a maxi-pad with wings
* Drops out of a so-called “Choir of Angels” because that’s really just a
place for a bunch of diva show-offs to shine sunbeams up God’s butt
* Orders a plate of “Hades Hot” Buffalo wings
* Drinks a little too much of Junior’s blood and falls off a cloud
* Listens to Paul McCartney sing with his band “Wings”
* Takes a heavenly crap
* Decides to reveal the Lord’s majesty to the masses by appearing on some
aluminum siding in east Texas
* Obeys his Pavlovian conditioning, and barks like a dog
* Sits down for dinner
* Prank calls the miserable whiners in Hell
* Gets his union card
* Takes the fruitcake out of the oven
* Gets his wings ripped from his back, so they can be given to a more angelic
and deserving angel
* Tells a mortal, “Oh c’mon, jump already! I don’t got all day!”

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!”

“It’s not just one car,” said Herman. “It’s hundreds of them!”

A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment. The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, “You are to remain in your chair. Every five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the woman on the bed.” The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust.”What? I’m not going to go through this. You know I’ll never reach the bed!” And he gets up and storms out. The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist’s eyes light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused.”Don’t you realize that you’ll never reach her?” The physicist smiles and replied, “Of course! But I’ll get close enough for all practical purposes!”

News anchor Dan Rather, the Reverend Jesse Jackson, Today Show personality Katie Couric and an American Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals.

They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief.

The chief said, “I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?”

Dan Rather said, “Well, I’m a Texan; so I’d like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili.”

The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, “Now I can die content.”

Jesse Jackson said, “You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing “We Shall Overcome” one last time.”

The chief said, “Go right ahead, we’re listening.”

So Jackson sang the song, and then said, “Now I can die in peace.”

Katie Couric said, “I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.”

The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Katie dictated some comments. She then said, “Now I can die happy.”

The chief turned and said, “And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?”

“Kick me in the ass,” said the Marine.

“What?” said the chief. “Will you mock us in your last hour?”

“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,” insisted the Marine.

So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead.

In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?”

“What!?” said the Marine, “And have all you liberal poopers call ME the aggressor!?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed “Deepest sympathy.”

While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.

“Oh, it’s alright.” said the storekeeper. “I’m a businessman and I understand how these things can happen.”

“But,” added the florist, “I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party.”

“Well, what did it say?” ask the storekeeper.

The florist read the card, “Congratulations on your new location.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Dear Dr Ruth,I’m writing to tell you my problem, It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years. He makes love to me regardless of what I am doing; Ironing, Washing dishes, Sweeping, even doing E-Mail on AOL, etc. I would like to know if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd f unothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld ;;’ cinsely ous mdyl isnt’;dk

This elderly couple is sitting on a park bench if from of a large pond. Across the other side of the pond are vendors sell all types of food stuff. The wife turns to hubby and say, “I could really go for an ice cream cone.”

Hubby replies, “Well, I’ll go get you one.”
Wife says, “But, you’ll forget, you better write it down.”
Hubby replies, “No I won’t; what do you want?”
Wife says, “Get me a Strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles.”
Hubby replies, “Okay, strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles. See, I’ll remember.

Several hours pass and, finally, the hubby returns.
The wife asks him, “What took you so long, did you get lost.”
The hubby replies, “No, and I got what you wanted.”
The wife opens the bag to discover a cheeseburger and fries?!
Wife says, “I knew you you should have written the order down.”
Hubby says, “What do you mean – every thing is there?”

To which the wife replies, “No, it’s not…look, you forgot the pickles!”

Why didn’t the black man want to marry the Mexican?

– He didn’t want his kids to grow up too lazy to steal.

Q: What can a goose do, that a duck can’t do and a lawyer should do? A: Stick his bill up his ass.

When God was creating the human race, he lined up all the males on one side and all the females opposite them.

Then God asked, “Which of your species would like to urinate standing up?”

Well, the males went crazy, screaming and shouting that they wanted to pee standing up.

“Fine,” replied God. “Then THEY get the multiple orgasms.”

Did you hear about the Alabama Lottery? You can win $20 dollars every year for
the next million years.

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a Lonesome miner came
down
from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.
“I’m
lookin’ for the meanest toughest and roughest hooker in the
Yukon,”
he said to the bartender. “We got her” replied the bartender.
“She’s
upstairs in the second room on the right.”

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the
hooker
and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs,
kicked
the door open on the second door on the right and yelled, “I’m
looking for the meanest roughest and toughest hooker in the
Yukon.” The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said,
“You found her!”

Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles. “How
do you know I want that position first?” asked the miner. “I
don’t,” replied the hooker, “but I thought you might want to
open those beers first.”