Category: other

A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression,
he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the
river.”
With even greater emphasis, he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world,
I’d take it and pour it into the river.”
And finally, he cried, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it
and pour it into the river.” Sermon complete, he then sat down.
After a few moments, the song leader stood very cautiously and announced with
a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: ‘Shall We Gather at the
River’.”

There is girl in school called Mary and she keeps on falling asleep in class. The teacher asks her, “Who is our savior?” A boy behind her pokes her with a pencil. Then Mary yells, “Jesus Christ!” The teacher says, “Good.” Then the teacher asks, “Who died on the cross.” Then the boy again pokes her. Then Mary yells, “Jesus Christ!” The teacher says, “Good.” The teacher asks, ” What did Eve do after she had her 23 child.” The boy pokes again. Then Mary yells, “If you stick that thing in me one more time, I’m going to brake it in half.

Well there was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were
sitting at the breakfast table that morning and the old gentleman said to his
wife, “Just think honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.”
“Yeah,” she replied, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
breakfast table together.”

“I know,” the old man said. “We were probably sitting here as naked as
jaybirds fifty years ago.”

“Well,” Granny snickered,� What do you say…Should we?” Whereupon the two
stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

“You know honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as
hot for you as they were fifty years ago.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps, “One’s in your coffee and the other
one’s in your oatmeal.”

En un manicomio se encontraban unos m�dicos haciendo un ex�men a los locos. El tema trataba sobre la identificaci�n de las partes del cuerpo.

Pasa el primer loco y le preguntan, ense��ndole una mano: “�Qu� es esto?”, a lo que el loco contesta: “es la nariz.” Y los m�dicos lo retiran por no dar una respuesta correcta.

Pasa el segundo loco y le hacen la misma pregunta que al primero: “�Qu� es esto?” (mostr�ndole la mano). Y el loco contesta: “Es la boca.”

Y as� siguieron pasando varios locos sin que contestaran correctamente hasta que llega el �ltimo:

Interroga un m�dico: “�Qu� es esto? (ense��ndole la mano derecha). Contesta el loco: “Es la mano derecha.”

“�Y esto?” (ense��ndole la mano izquierda). Contesta el loco: “Es la mano izquierda.”

“�Y esto?” (pregunta otro m�dico mostrando la nariz). “Pues la nariz.”

El loco contesta correctamente a todas y cada una de las preguntas que le hacen, y los m�dicos deciden darlo de alta del manicomio.

Cuando le van a comunicar que ser� dado de alta, le preguntan sus compa�eros: Oye, �c�mo le hiciste para contestar correctamente todas las preguntas? A lo que responde el loco, toc�ndose con el �ndice la sien derecha: “�Mucha nalga, mucha nalga!”

Yo Mama is so fat, she leaves stretchmarks in the bath tub.

Be Fishers of Men…. You catch ’em, He’ll clean ’em.A family altar can alter a family.A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.Don’t put a question mark where God put a period.Don’t wait for six strong men to take you to church.Exercise daily. Walk with the Lord!Forbidden fruits create many jams.Give God what’s right, not what’s left!Give Satan an inch and he’ll be a ruler.God doesn’t call the qualified; He qualifies the called.God grades on the cross, not the curve.God loves everyone, but probably prefers “fruits of the spirit” over “religious nuts.”God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.Having truth decay? Brush up on your Bible!He who angers you, controls you!He who is good at making excuses is seldom good for anything else.He who kneels before God can stand before anyone!Kindness is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity.Never give the devil a ride! He will always want to drive!Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it.Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.”Pray” is a four letter word that you can say anywhere.Prayer – Don’t give God instructions – just report for duty!The Will of God will never take you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.This Church is “Prayer Conditioned!”To be almost saved is to be totally lost.WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning!Watch your step carefully! Everyone else does!We don’t change the message; the message changes us.We set the sail; God makes the wind.We’re too blessed to be depressed.Wisdom has two parts: 1) Having a lot to say. 2) Not saying it.

The official year 2000 Redneck Census Form:

Last name: _______________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_)Billy-Bob
(_)Billy-Joe
(_)Billy-Ray
(_)Billy-Sue
(_)Billy-Mae
(_)Billy-Jack

What does everyone call you?
(_)Booger
(_)Bubba
(_)Junior
(_)Sissy
(_)Other____________

Age:____ (if unsure,guess)

Sex:____ M ____ F ____Not sure

Shoe size:____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:(Check appropriate box)
(_)Farmer
(_)Mechanic
(_)Hair Dresser
(_)Unemployed
(_)Dirty Politician
(_)Preacher

Spouse’s Name:_____________

2nd Spouse’s Name:_______________

3rd Spouse’s Name:_______________

Lover’s Name:_______________

Relationship with spouse:(Check appropriate box)
(_)Sister
(_)Brother
(_)Aunt
(_)Uncle
(_)Cousin
(_)Mother
(_)Father
(_)Son
(_)Daughter
(_)Pet

Number of children living in the home:_____

Number of the children living in the shed:_____

Number that are yours:_____

Mother’s Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Father’s Name:____________________(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade commpleted)

(Check appropriate box)
Total number of vehicles you own:___
Number of vehicles that still crank:___
Number of vehicles in front yard:___
Number of vehicles in the back yard:___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks:___

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____truck
____bedroom
____bathroom
____kitchen
____shed

Model and year of your pickup:196_

Do you have a gun rack?
(_)Yes (_)No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_)The National Enquirer
(_)The Globe
(_)TV Guide
(_)Soap Opera Digest
(_)Rifle and Shotgun

Number of times you’ve seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you’ve seen Elvis:___
Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO:____

How often do you bathe?
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable

Color of eyes:
Left_____ Right_____

Color of hair:
(_)Blond
(_)Black
(_)Red
(_)Brown
(_)White
(_)Clairol

Color of teeth:
(_)White
(_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow
(_)Brown
(_)Black
(_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)just a whoop-and-a-holler
(_)road?

What’s the difference between a wedge of old cheese and an [ethnic] girl?

One is strong smelling and covered in mold and the other goes great with
crackers!

* Spit-polishes his halo
* Buys a maxi-pad with wings
* Drops out of a so-called “Choir of Angels” because that’s really just a
place for a bunch of diva show-offs to shine sunbeams up God’s butt
* Orders a plate of “Hades Hot” Buffalo wings
* Drinks a little too much of Junior’s blood and falls off a cloud
* Listens to Paul McCartney sing with his band “Wings”
* Takes a heavenly crap
* Decides to reveal the Lord’s majesty to the masses by appearing on some
aluminum siding in east Texas
* Obeys his Pavlovian conditioning, and barks like a dog
* Sits down for dinner
* Prank calls the miserable whiners in Hell
* Gets his union card
* Takes the fruitcake out of the oven
* Gets his wings ripped from his back, so they can be given to a more angelic
and deserving angel
* Tells a mortal, “Oh c’mon, jump already! I don’t got all day!”

�Por qu� el soltero est� siempre delgado y el casado gordo?

Porque el soltero al llegar a casa, abre la heladera, dice “siempre lo mismo”, y se va a la cama. El casado, se va a la cama, dice “siempre lo mismo” y abre la heladera.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!”

“It’s not just one car,” said Herman. “It’s hundreds of them!”

A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment. The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, “You are to remain in your chair. Every five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the woman on the bed.” The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust.”What? I’m not going to go through this. You know I’ll never reach the bed!” And he gets up and storms out. The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist’s eyes light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused.”Don’t you realize that you’ll never reach her?” The physicist smiles and replied, “Of course! But I’ll get close enough for all practical purposes!”