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A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.
The man asks, “Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?”
The nurse explains, “The hot chocolate will help him sleep.”
The man says, “And the Viagra?”
“Keeps him from falling out of bed.”
~~
Editors Note: Feel free to TRY to send this joke to a friend, but with the word Viagra don’t expect it to make it…
I asked my boyfriend yesterday what days he preferred to engage in sexual activity.
He answered ” Tuesdays, Thursdays,Thanksgiving, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday and Thunday!!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today’s society…. DIRECTRA – a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent. PROJECTRA – Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one. CHILDAGRA – Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming urge to perform more child-care tasks – especially cleaning up spills and ‘little accidents.’ COMPLIMENTRA – In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing. BUYAGRA – Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store’s return limit. NEGA-VIAGRA – Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents. NEGA-SPORTAGRA – This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members. FLATULAGRA – This complex drug converts men’s noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides. FLYAGRA – This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Expecially useful for men on Viagra. PRYAGRA – About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into ‘special prosecutors.’ LIAGRA – This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.
One man goes and buys a new rooster cause the rooster that he has is old already and roosters take care of the chickens. So the old man buys a young rooster, he brings him home and tells the rooster to kick out the old rooster. The rooster goes in and tells the old rooster to leave cause he is taking over. The old rooster tells him I will race for it. The young rooster looks at him and laughs. The young rooster asks were are we goin to race too. The old rooster tells him around the house and back. The young rooster says okay. The young rooster tells the old rooster that he will give him a 10 sec. head-start so the old rooster takes off as they pass the corner the old rooster is ahead the the owner shoots the young rooster and says thats the third time this month that I have bought a gay cock.
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep.
One who’s handsome, smart and strong, One whose thingy is thick and long!
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call, he won’t wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed, And when I spend his cash, he won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair & opens the door,
Massages my back & begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind, Knows just what to say when I ask ” how big’s my behind?”
One who will make love till my body’s a twitchin’,In the hall, the shower, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no-end, And never attempt to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the jackass you sent me instead!
A-Man
Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by Calamjo
The first Jewish President of the United States
calls his mother in Queens and invites her to
come down for Chanukah.
She says, “I’d like to, but it’s so much trouble…
I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport, and
I hate waiting on Queens Boulevard…”
He replies, “Mom! I’m the President! You won’t
need a cab – I’ll send a limousine for you!”
His mother replies, “I know, but then I’ll have to
get my ticket at the airport, and try to get a seat
on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle…it’s
just too much trouble.”
He replies, “Mom! I’m the President of the
United States! I’ll send Air Force One for you –
it’s my private jet!”
To which she replies, “Oh, well, but then when
we land, I’ll to carry my luggage through the
airport, and try to get a cab…it’s really too much
trouble.”
He replies, “Mom!! I’m the President! I’ll send a
helicopter for you! You won’t have to lift a finger.”
She answers, “Yes, that’s nice…but, you know,
I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so
expensive, and I really don’t like the rooms…”
Exasperated, he answers, “Mom! I’m the
President! You’ll stay at the White House!”
She responds, “Well…all right…I guess I’ll come.”
The next day, she’s on the phone with her friend
Betty.
Betty: “Hello, Sylvia… So nu, what’s new?”
Sylvia: “I’m visiting my son for Thanksgiving!”
Betty: “The doctor?”
Sylvia: “No … the other one.”
Se encuentran dos compadres discutiendo, y uno le dice al otro: “Yo tengo las mejores gallinas del mundo.”
El otro contesta: “Pues mi perico se coge cien de tus mejores gallinas.”
Al escuchar esto, el due�o de las gallinas acepta el reto, y apuesta su criadero de gallinas.
Entonces el otro le dice: “Nada m�s esc�gele las m�s bonitas.”
Al fin ponen al perico con las cien gallinas y �ste comienza a montarse a las gallinas. 1,2,3… 29,30,31… 97…
El due�o de las gallinas ya siente perdida su fortuna, pero en la gallina 98 el perico se detiene y comienza a arrancarse las plumas. Entonces el due�o de las gallinas le dice al due�o del perico:
“Ya perdiste, tu perico se est� volviendo loco.”
Entonces el perico voltea, mira al due�o de las gallinas y le dice:
“�Est�s pendejo, ahora voy a coger encuerado!”
an old married couple couldnt have kids but they had this puppy called little timmy. they treated little timmy as if he was there son. they worked hard all there life and used there life savings to go on a cruise around the world and take timmy with them. during the cruise timmy jumps over board.the couple are completely distraught over timmys death.they come home after 2 weeks and to there surprise what do you think is sitting on there doorstep?……………………………………………………………………………nope not timmy…six pints of milk.they forgot to cancel there milk order from the milkman for the 2 weeks.
After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me — all under age 11.
Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, “Ma’am,” he said, “do all these children and this luggage belong to you?”
“Yes, sir,” my mother said with a sigh, “they’re all mine.”
The customs agent began his interrogation: “Ma’am, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?”
“Sir,” she calmly answered, “if I’d had any of those items, I would have used them by now!
En un manicomio se encontraban unos m�dicos haciendo un ex�men a los locos. El tema trataba sobre la identificaci�n de las partes del cuerpo.
Pasa el primer loco y le preguntan, ense��ndole una mano: “�Qu� es esto?”, a lo que el loco contesta: “es la nariz.” Y los m�dicos lo retiran por no dar una respuesta correcta.
Pasa el segundo loco y le hacen la misma pregunta que al primero: “�Qu� es esto?” (mostr�ndole la mano). Y el loco contesta: “Es la boca.”
Y as� siguieron pasando varios locos sin que contestaran correctamente hasta que llega el �ltimo:
Interroga un m�dico: “�Qu� es esto? (ense��ndole la mano derecha). Contesta el loco: “Es la mano derecha.”
“�Y esto?” (ense��ndole la mano izquierda). Contesta el loco: “Es la mano izquierda.”
“�Y esto?” (pregunta otro m�dico mostrando la nariz). “Pues la nariz.”
El loco contesta correctamente a todas y cada una de las preguntas que le hacen, y los m�dicos deciden darlo de alta del manicomio.
Cuando le van a comunicar que ser� dado de alta, le preguntan sus compa�eros: Oye, �c�mo le hiciste para contestar correctamente todas las preguntas? A lo que responde el loco, toc�ndose con el �ndice la sien derecha: “�Mucha nalga, mucha nalga!”
Well there was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were
sitting at the breakfast table that morning and the old gentleman said to his
wife, “Just think honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.”
“Yeah,” she replied, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
breakfast table together.”
“I know,” the old man said. “We were probably sitting here as naked as
jaybirds fifty years ago.”
“Well,” Granny snickered,� What do you say…Should we?” Whereupon the two
stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
“You know honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as
hot for you as they were fifty years ago.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps, “One’s in your coffee and the other
one’s in your oatmeal.”
Yo Mama is so fat, she leaves stretchmarks in the bath tub.