Category: other

Three guys are riding in their truck, drinking beer, having a good ol’ time.

The driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car so he pulls over.

The other two are real nervous, “What do we do with our beers? We’re in trouble!”

“No,” the driver says, “just do this: pull the label off of your beer bottle and stick it to your forehead and let me do the talking.”

So they all pull the labels off their beer bottles and stick ’em to their foreheads.

The policeman walks up and says, “You boys were swerving down the road. Have you been drinking?”

The driver says, “Oh, no officer,” and points to his forehead, “we’re on the patch, trying to quit.”

Si se te acaban las frases para saludar, aqu� hay varias:

�Qu� ondita con el pandita?

�Qu� Pachuca por Toluca?

�Qu� Pachuca por Ac�mbaro?

�Qu� hongo champi��n?

�Qu� epazotes con los elotes?

�Qu� rollo, Goyo?

�Qu� Honduras mi Nicaragua?

�Qu� Pedro, Pablo?

�Qu� pez, marqu�s?

�Qu� transita por tu avenida?

�Qu� transita por tus venas?

�C�mo has Estados Unidos?

�C�mo estanques?

�Qu� pasotes con esos zapatotes?

�Qu� trampa, cazador?

�Te conozco, Orozco?

�Qu� ond�n, Ram�n?

�C�mo estanques mi pescado?

�Qu� transa?

�Qu� pex, marqu�s?

�Qu� pez, Aquaman?

�Qu� transa, Carranza?

Frases m�s estructuradas; estas apl�calas cuando quieras echarle m�s calabaza a tus legumbres.

1) �Qu� Honduras con las verduras que andan bajas las temperaturas? �Yo pens� que ya estabas morongas, pero nopales est�s bien vivorobas!

2) �Qu� ondita con el pandita que se trag� una viborita?

3) �Qu� hongo, jorongo, tepetongo, morongo?

Neighbors had complained to the mayor about the noisy pub on the corner of 3rd & Lambourne. Seems that the old cronies got together every friday & saturday, played cards, drank beer, told lies and jokes until 2am Saturday morning, when the pub had to close.

Officer Redding, parked down the street was not amused. He checked his watch, noted it was 01:55, time for the old drunks to start leaving. If he hadn’t been assigned this crap detail he’d be down at the I-80 Truck stop about now having a nice hot cup of coffee. Redding pulled out a cigarette and was about to light up when the door of the pub slammed open and an old geezer stumbled out. Redding put the smoke back in the pack; he was “on point” now.

The old man stumbled around, fished his car keys out of his pocket, dropped them a couple of times, finally found them and weaved down the sidewalk and across the road to his car.

Redding started his engine, watching carefully as the old man fumbled to unlock his door. Other patrons leaving the pub seemed a little tipsy, but nothing like the old goat trying to get into his car. As soon as the old man’s car started to pull away from the curb, Redding was on him like a hound on a bone, siren, redlights and loudspeaker. Redding wanted these complaining neighbors to know the city was doing it’s job.

“Outta the car, old man!” demanded Redding. “But officer, I haven’t had anything to drink!” complained the old boy. “Sure, you haven’t, oldtimer, sure you haven’t”, replied Redding as he put the cuffs on the old guy and hauled him downtown.

At the station, the old man blew into the breathalyzer and the needle didn’t move. “What the…YOU haven’t been drinking, old timer!”

But that’s what I tried to tell you back there, officer!” “Well then why were you stumbling all over the place?” asked Redding. “Well, officer, tonight when we all got to the pub, they elected me to be the ‘designated drunk’ when the place closed down!”

Un matrimonio llev� a su hijo de vacaciones a una playa nudista. El padre sali� a dar un paseo por la playa mientras el hijo jugaba en el agua.

De pronto, el ni�o lleg� corriendo hasta donde estaba su mam� diciendo:

“�Mam�, acabo de ver mujeres con los senos mucho m�s grandes que los tuyos!”

“No te preocupes hijo, mientras m�s grandes los tengan m�s tontas son”.

As� que el ni�o se regres� a jugar en el agua. Varios minutos despu�s, el peque�o regres� corriendo:

“�Mam�, acabo de ver a pap� platicando con la mujer m�s tonta que he visto, y mientras m�s hablaban, mi pap� se volv�a cada vez m�s tonto tambi�n!”

What’s the position to make ugly babies?
Ask your parents.

God created the mule, and told him, “You will be Mule, working constantly from
dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back.

You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 50years.”

The mule answered: “To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give
me no more than 20.”

And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, “You will hold vigilance over the
dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his
table scraps and live for 25 years.

And the dog responded, “Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much. Please,
no more than 10 years.” And it was so.

God then created the monkey and told him, “You are Monkey. You shall swing
from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live
for 20 years.�

And the monkey responded, “Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is
too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years.”

And it was so. Finally, God created Man and told him, “You are Man, the only
rational being that walks the earth.

You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the
world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years.”

And the man responded, “Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little.
Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog
refused, and the ten years the monkey rejected.”

And it was so. So God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live
30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is
to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the
leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as
a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.

There were three men sitting on a bench. Man1 asked the other two:

“What do you want your family and friends to say at your funeral?”.

Man2 says, “I guess I’d want them to say I was a nice guy and I took care of my family”.

Man3 says, “I’d want them to say things like that too”.

Man1 said “Really? I’d want them to say… LOOK! HE’S MOVING!”.

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was
Enough (they could not afford a larger doublewide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn’t want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy
that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a
cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a
beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man,
but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”

So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia
physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a
vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor
instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it,
place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both of the physicians couldn’t be wrong, the man
Went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can
up To his ear and began to count.

“1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . “, at which point he paused, placed the beer
can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.
The man asks, “Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?”

The nurse explains, “The hot chocolate will help him sleep.”

The man says, “And the Viagra?”

“Keeps him from falling out of bed.”

~~
Editors Note: Feel free to TRY to send this joke to a friend, but with the word Viagra don’t expect it to make it…

I asked my boyfriend yesterday what days he preferred to engage in sexual activity.

He answered ” Tuesdays, Thursdays,Thanksgiving, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday and Thunday!!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

What did the farmer say when his donkey died?

“He’s never done that before.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.

Belch your order.

After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

Barter. Offer a Whopper for a Big Mac.

Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

Repeat everything the order-taker says.

Attempt to take the order-takers order (“Hi, may I take your order?”) before they get a chance to take yours.

Order confusing items, i.e., “Hi, I’ll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please.”

When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they’ll dispose of it for you.

Drive through with a carload of naked people.

Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to “check out the babe”.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown