Category: other

Un viajante va por el desierto montado en su camello. De pronto, el animal se detiene y se niega a caminar. Desesperado, el viajero mira a su alrededor y, a lo lejos, logra divisar un local con un letrero en grandes letras:

SE REPARAN CAMELLOS

Alegre, corre hacia all� y encuentra a un �rabe que le ofrece repararlo por 20 d�lares. El tipo los paga y el moro manda una gr�a para traer al camello. Cuando �ste es tra�do, el due�o del local ordena:

“S�banlo a la rampa”.

El animal es subido en la rampa y, con dos enormes piedras, le golpean en los test�culos. El dromedario sale corriendo como alma en pena. Sorprendido, el due�o del animal pregunta:

“Y yo, �c�mo lo voy a alcanzar?”

El �rabe grita:

“S�banlo a la rampa”.

Tres hombres mueren y en el cielo los recibe San Pedro. Eran un jud�o, un italiano y un negro. Los tres hombres muy sorprendidos y atribulados por su muerte, le ruegan a San Pedro que les d� otra oportunidad de vida en la tierra; San Pedro, muy misericordioso, les concede la oportunidad con una condici�n para cada uno.

Le dice primeramente al italiano: “Si comes un pedazo de pizza en la tierra, vuelves inmediatamente.

Al Judio le dice: “Si tocas una moneda tan siquiera, vuelves inmediatamente.”

Y al Negro: “Si le haces el amor a alguien, vuelves inmediatamente.”

Bueno… estando los tres en la tierra, caminan juntos y pasan por una pizzer�a y el italiano no resiste la tentaci�n de comer un pedazo y apenas lo muerde… �pufff! �desaparece!

Los otros dos al verlo, saben que San Pedro no hablaba en broma; entonces siguen el jud�o y el negro caminando juntos y el jud�o ve una moneda en el piso. Al no resistir la tentaci�n se inclina a recogerla y… �pufff! �desaparece el negro!

Iban dos amigos en el auto y el que conduce le dice al acompa�ante:

“Hey, mira como paso la luz roja.”

“�No! pero est�s loco para !PARA!”

“No, si mi hermano siempre lo hace.”

En el siguiente sem�foro:

“Mira mira como paso la luz roja.”

“�Pero para, est�s enfermo!”

“No qu�date tranquilo, mi hermano siempre lo hace.”

Y as� como por cinco sem�foros m�s,de repente uno en luz verde y el tipo frena de golpe y el acompa�ante le dice:

“Pasaste luces rojas y ahora con la verde frenas, dale, acelera pelotudo.”

“�No, mira si viene mi hermano!”

A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun.

He decides to approach her anyway. “Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and I must have sex with you.” he says.

“I’m sorry but I’ve given my body to God” she replies and then leaves.

Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says “I know a way you can get her in the sack.”

The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he’s going to get some.

The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says “Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you.”

She replies “Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass.”

The guy figures this isn’t a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever. After it is over he whips off his outfit and says “Surprise I’m the guy on the bus”

With that the nun turns around and says “Surprise I’m the bus driver.”

Don Pedro estaba acongojado. No sab�a como explicarle a su mujer que ten�a una amante.

Un d�a visita a un consejero matrimonial, el cual le dice:

“La mejor forma de decirle que la est�s enga�ando, es llegar a tu casa, y de inmediato le empiezas a hacer el amor, y cuando est�s en el climax de la relaci�n, le dices que tienes una amante.”

Don Pedro se va contento para su casa y apenas llega agarra a su mujer y le empieza a puro dar, y cuando llega al climax le dice:

“Amor, tengo otra.”

A lo que ella responde:

“�METEMELA POR ATRAS TONTITO!”

13> You list “smokin’ weed” as a hobby on the job application.

12> Instead of shaking hands, you ask them to “pull your finger.”

11> All your answers are whispered into your ear by your sock puppet, “Socky.”

10> You’re not willing to risk being downsized since you’re not so sure it really doesn’t refer to your penis.

9> In your zealousness to pad, you claim 10 years of Java and 15 years of HTML.

8> After your interview tantrums, so-called “Equal Opportunity Employers” don’t seem to be buying your “Tourette’s Syndrome” excuse.

7> “Slashed co-workers with a broken coffee mug” doesn’t look as impressive on your resume as you thought it would.

6> Even though Yanni sells all those records, there’s no job market for “masters of the pan flute.”

5> Small-minded employers find “alien abductions” unacceptable explanation for gaps in work history.

4> Too much time during your interview spent discussing your jihad, not enough on how you would perform as the new personnel counselor.

3> You show up at each interview wearing an aluminum foil suit “just in case of enemy attack.”

2> Apparently, the high-priced-gigolo-to-Daycare-worker transition is one of the tougher ones.

1> Still busy looking for the real killers.

Well he had the software, but he didn’t have a computer.
The label on the package said that the software required “Windows 3.1 or
better”.
So he bought a Macintosh.

Why it sucks being a dick!

10. You’ve got a hole in your head.

9. Your master strangles you all the time.

8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.

7. You shrink in cold water.

6. You never get a haircut.

5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.

4. Your closest neighbor is an asshole.

3. Your best friend is a pussy.

2. Your scalp gets cut off if you’re Jewish.

And the number one reason why it sucks to be a dick:

1. Every time you get excited, you throw up.

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman

Mr Wong goes to an optometrist to have his failing eyesight checked out. The optometrist runs a battery of tests and comes to a conclusion.’Mr Wong, I’m afraid you have a cataract’He replies, ‘No I don’t – I drive lincoln town car!’

Si se te acaban las frases para saludar, aqu� hay varias:

�Qu� ondita con el pandita?

�Qu� Pachuca por Toluca?

�Qu� Pachuca por Ac�mbaro?

�Qu� hongo champi��n?

�Qu� epazotes con los elotes?

�Qu� rollo, Goyo?

�Qu� Honduras mi Nicaragua?

�Qu� Pedro, Pablo?

�Qu� pez, marqu�s?

�Qu� transita por tu avenida?

�Qu� transita por tus venas?

�C�mo has Estados Unidos?

�C�mo estanques?

�Qu� pasotes con esos zapatotes?

�Qu� trampa, cazador?

�Te conozco, Orozco?

�Qu� ond�n, Ram�n?

�C�mo estanques mi pescado?

�Qu� transa?

�Qu� pex, marqu�s?

�Qu� pez, Aquaman?

�Qu� transa, Carranza?

Frases m�s estructuradas; estas apl�calas cuando quieras echarle m�s calabaza a tus legumbres.

1) �Qu� Honduras con las verduras que andan bajas las temperaturas? �Yo pens� que ya estabas morongas, pero nopales est�s bien vivorobas!

2) �Qu� ondita con el pandita que se trag� una viborita?

3) �Qu� hongo, jorongo, tepetongo, morongo?

Un matrimonio llev� a su hijo de vacaciones a una playa nudista. El padre sali� a dar un paseo por la playa mientras el hijo jugaba en el agua.

De pronto, el ni�o lleg� corriendo hasta donde estaba su mam� diciendo:

“�Mam�, acabo de ver mujeres con los senos mucho m�s grandes que los tuyos!”

“No te preocupes hijo, mientras m�s grandes los tengan m�s tontas son”.

As� que el ni�o se regres� a jugar en el agua. Varios minutos despu�s, el peque�o regres� corriendo:

“�Mam�, acabo de ver a pap� platicando con la mujer m�s tonta que he visto, y mientras m�s hablaban, mi pap� se volv�a cada vez m�s tonto tambi�n!”

Neighbors had complained to the mayor about the noisy pub on the corner of 3rd & Lambourne. Seems that the old cronies got together every friday & saturday, played cards, drank beer, told lies and jokes until 2am Saturday morning, when the pub had to close.

Officer Redding, parked down the street was not amused. He checked his watch, noted it was 01:55, time for the old drunks to start leaving. If he hadn’t been assigned this crap detail he’d be down at the I-80 Truck stop about now having a nice hot cup of coffee. Redding pulled out a cigarette and was about to light up when the door of the pub slammed open and an old geezer stumbled out. Redding put the smoke back in the pack; he was “on point” now.

The old man stumbled around, fished his car keys out of his pocket, dropped them a couple of times, finally found them and weaved down the sidewalk and across the road to his car.

Redding started his engine, watching carefully as the old man fumbled to unlock his door. Other patrons leaving the pub seemed a little tipsy, but nothing like the old goat trying to get into his car. As soon as the old man’s car started to pull away from the curb, Redding was on him like a hound on a bone, siren, redlights and loudspeaker. Redding wanted these complaining neighbors to know the city was doing it’s job.

“Outta the car, old man!” demanded Redding. “But officer, I haven’t had anything to drink!” complained the old boy. “Sure, you haven’t, oldtimer, sure you haven’t”, replied Redding as he put the cuffs on the old guy and hauled him downtown.

At the station, the old man blew into the breathalyzer and the needle didn’t move. “What the…YOU haven’t been drinking, old timer!”

But that’s what I tried to tell you back there, officer!” “Well then why were you stumbling all over the place?” asked Redding. “Well, officer, tonight when we all got to the pub, they elected me to be the ‘designated drunk’ when the place closed down!”