There was an Asian lady who married an English gentleman and moved to London.
The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but anyhow managed to
communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop
for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn’t know
how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show
her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn’t know how to
say, and so unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got
what she wanted.
The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. So she brought her
husband to the store…because he spoke English.
Category: other
How Many Wives?
A German, Englishman and Arab are traveling on a train. They get bored and start telling each other about their families. The German says, “I have 4 kids, one more and they’ll make a basketball team.” The Englishman says, “Huh! That’s nothing I have 10 boys; one more and I’ll be the world-champion soccer-team’s coach.”The Arab starts laughing. He says, “I’ve had 17 wives and no kids! But one more wife and I’ll open a golf course!”
Heavanly Help
A terrible flood hit a small town, sending the rescue units out.
It just so happened that a devoutley religioius woman lived in this town when the flood hit, and she sat down to wait for God to save her.
When the first rescue boat came in the worker called for her to come out but she just shook her head and said “Thank you, but my God will save me.” Shaking his head the rescue worker moved on. The waters rose and she climbed to the second story of her home to wait for God.
A second boat came by and the worker called out “Listen lady we’ve got to get out of here!” Once again she thanked him profusely and said “My God will save me.”
The waters rose a third time forceing her to her roof. The water was just closing around her ankels when a third boat came by. “Lady, I’m the last boat out if you don’t come now you’re going to die.”
She just smiled “My God will save me” she said quietly.
Frustrated the worker moved on.
The waters rose once again leaving her standing on her chimney.
She heard a huge rukus abover her head and when she looked up she saw
an emergency helicopter. “This is it lady, you have to come now or we won’t be abel to save you.” Still she refused to go.
The waters rose a final time dragging her under and she was drowned.
When she got to heaven, the Lord asked her if she had any questions, and in a timid voice she replied.
“You said if I followed you, you would always save me. Why didn’t you save me from that flood?”
God looked at her in shocked disbelief and said:
“My child I sent three boats and a helicopter for you…
What ese did you want!”
Not fot the faint hearted
How do you make a baby float?
Yake your foot off its head
Whats the difference between a baby and a fridg?
The fridge doesnt cry when you put your meat in it
How do you make a baby cry twice?
Wipe your bloody cock on its teddy bear
how do you get a baby in a bowl?
With a blender
How do you get it out again?
With corn chips
How many babys does it take to paint a house?
Depends on how hard you throw them
Whats red and crawls up your leg?
A homesick abortion
Whats the difference between a baby and a rugby ball?
When you kick a rugby ball your not aiming for the posts
WHats the defference between a baby and a trampoline
You take your boots off before you jump on the trampoline
Whats the difference between a pile of dead babys and a ferari?
I dont hacve a ferari in my garage
What does a blind, deaf, mute, paraplegic baby get for christmas?
Cancer
Bagpipers
How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb? Only 1, but all the others gathered ’round will complain that that’s not the way Earl (Scruggs) would have done it.
A sixteen year old virgin girl goes to confession….
A sixteen year old virgin girl goes to confession.
“Father, I called a man a son-of-a-bitch yesterday”
“Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch??” the priest asked.
“Because, father, he touched me on my arm without permission”
“Do you mean like this??” He touches he arm.
“Yes father.”
“That’s no reason for calling him a son-of-a-bitch”
“But father he also touched my breasts”
“You mean like this??” He touches her breasts.
“Yes father.”
“That’s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.”
“But father, he took off my clothes.”
“Like this??” He takes off her clothes.
“Yes father”.
“That’s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.”
“But father he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where.”
“Like this??” He put his you-know-what in her you-know-where.
“Yes father,” she says sometime later.
“But that’s no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch.”
“But father, he has AIDS”
“THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!”
Q: What’s a Japanese girl’s favorite holiday?…
Q: What’s a Japanese girl’s favorite holiday?
A: Erection day.
Quickies
Famous Bumper Stickers
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation isn’t so hot either!
Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it’s an amusement park.
Your child may be an honor student but you’re still an idiot.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician!!
Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
If we are what we eat; I’m cheap, fast, and easy.
Black sheep
A missionary is sent into the deepest, darkest part of Africa to live with a tribe.
He spends years with the people, teaching them to read and write, and preaching to them about the good Christian ways of the white man.
One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin: Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!
One day, the wife of one of the tribe�s noblemen gives birth to a white baby.
The village is shocked and the chief is sent to talk with the missionary.
“You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here, a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man who has ever set foot in our village. Even Stevie Wonder could see what�s been going on!”
The missionary replies, “No, no. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what is called an albino. Look to thy yonder field. See the flock of white sheep, and yet amongst them, one of them is black. Nature does this on occasion.”
“Tell you what,” the chief says, “You never mention the sheep again, and I won�t say anything about the baby.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Como ba�arse como un hombre:
Como ba�arse como un hombre:
1. Te quitas toda la ropa mientras est�s sentado en la cama y la dejas tirada en el suelo.
2. Te vas desnudo hasta el ba�o. Si ves a tu novia/esposa en el camino, le ense�as el huevo y haces un sonido como elefante.
3. Te paras frente al espejo para ver tu f�sico. Metes la barriga, te ves el tama�o del huevo en el espejo, te rascas las bolas y te hueles las manos por �ltima vez antes de ba�arte.
4. Te metes en la ducha.
5. No te preocupes por buscar los pa�itos (t� no los usas).
6. Te lavas la cara con jab�n azul.
7. Te cagas de la risa por lo alto que se oye cuando te tiras un peo dentro de la ducha.
8. Te lavas tus partes privadas y alrededores.
9. Te lavas el culo y dejas un poco de pelo en el jab�n.
10. Te lavas el pelo con cualquier champoo. (no usar acondicionador)
11. Te haces un peinado “PUNK”.
12. Abres la cortina de la ducha para verte en el espejo el peinado.
13. Te meas dentro de la ducha.
14. Te quitas todo el shampoo y el jab�n y te sales de inmediato de la ducha. No te das cuenta que todo el ba�o est� mojado porque dejaste la cortina por fuera de la ducha
15. te medio secas
16. Te vez otra vez en el espejo. Sacas los m�sculos y te miras el tama�o de huevo.
17. Dejas la cortina abierta y la alfombra del ba�o mojada.
18. Dejas la luz del ba�o y el ventilador prendido.
19. Regresas a tu cuarto con un pa�o en la cintura. Si vez a tu novia/esposa en el camino te quitas el pa�o, le ense�as el huevo y vuelves a hacer un sonido como elefante.
20. Tiras el pa�o mojado en la cama y te vistes en 2 min.
Dental floss
What is organic dental floss?
Pubic hair.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Glaci
Rattlesnake
An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods to counter offensive tactics.
That summer, the area had experienced an infestation of rattlesnakes.
Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of live ammunition to counter this danger, as several men had already been bitten.
So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at snakes that the post commander demanded that every officer and NCO who had shot at a snake present the dead snake as
proof that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable.
The next day, the post commander entered his office and spotted a shoe box on his desk.
He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish, but very live, rattlesnake.
Inside the box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short note.
The note said, “I missed!”