Category: other

The Three Stooges died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them at the
Pearly Gates and told them that, in order to enter Heaven, each one had to
answer a question correctly. If they gave the wrong answer, they would end
up in Hell.

St. Peter turned to the first stooge and asked: “What is Easter?”

The first stooge replied “That’s when kids get dressed up in costumes and go
door to door collecting Trick or Treat.”

“No, stupid”, said St. Peter. “That’s Halloween. You’re down to Hell!”

St. Peter turned to the second stooge and asked “What is Easter?”

The second stooge answered “That’s when the fat man in the red suit comes
down the chimney and leaves gifts for everybody.”

“No, you moron”, said St. Peter. “That’s Christmas. Go down to Hell!”

St. Peter turned to the third stooge and asked, in a very exasperated tone
of voice, “What is Easter?”

The third stooge answered “That’s when Jesus rises out of his grave.”

“And…” said St. Peter.

“And, if he sees his shadow there’s another six weeks of winter!”

This bloke walks into a bar and over the next couple of hours proceeds to get increasingly drunk. Suddenly he spots a guy in the corner with a group of friends and begins to verbally abuse him.”Oi you he shouts. I’ve shagged your mum!!” The man carries on drinking trying to ignore the guy’s drunken rantings.Half an hour later the drunk stands up and renews his abuse.”Oi you” he shouts even louder this time “I shagged your mum up the bum”The guy in the corner turns his back on him and continues talking with friends although by now visibly irate. Half a hour later the drunk pipes up once again.”Oi you! your mum sucked my d*ck!!” By now the guy in the corner has lost his cool, he stands up furiously and yells……….. “For f*cks sake Dad go home, you’re embarrassing me.”

Sam & Jesus [PUN WARNING] Many many years ago in the town of Jerusalem lived a very nice Jewish man, named Sam, with his wife and children. Times were hard, and this gentleman had to work very long hours daily as a laborer to house and feed his family. But his real love was sewing. Although he put in long hours at his job, he would often stay up half the night designing and making clothes. His dream was to some day have a shop of his own where he could outfit everyone. One evening, as he sat sewing by lamp light, he heard a commotion outside. When he went to look, he saw all his neighbors going to an area of raised field, so he tagged along. There was an enormous crowd, and up on the hill he saw a tall bearded man preaching. Sam was intrigued by this man, a very eloquent speaker, the crowd was so quiet. But, thought Sam, this man looked dusty, dirty, poorly dressed, and tired. So after the sermon, Sam managed to go speak to this man. Sam told him he was great speaker, really holding the people’s attention, but that clothes really do help, and that if he were dressed better he would make a much better impression. Then Sam had a great idea — he offered to make the man, (whose name he found out was Jesus), a new outfit, for free, if when Jesus went out on another speaking tour, he would just happen to drop into his speech from where he got his clothes. Jesus thought this over, saying that it was true his appearance did need improving, after all, traveling the way he did was hard on his clothing and that he just hadn’t the time or the money to get new outfits. And so it was agreed. Jesus was to be gone on the road for another two weeks, so Sam spent nearly every night now designing, cutting out, and sewing a beautiful robe. When Jesus was back in town, Sam took him the new outfit. And Jesus promised to tell folks from where his new outfit had come.Over the next several months, people began coming to Sam’s house, asking for new clothes because they had seen and admired what the man Jesus was wearing. With orders for several complete wardrobes, Sam was able to quit his day laborer job, and, with the help of his wife, he set up a little business. A month later, Jesus was back in town and he came to Sam’s house. Sam thanked him profusely and said he thought they should be partners, open up a real shop, not just in his house. Sam said he would put up a sign, what did Jesus think of ‘Sam and Jesus Clothing’? Jesus thought a minute, then said, ‘I think the sign should read ‘Lord and Taylor’.

Why don’t Blackwomen make good nuns?

They can’t say “Superior” after “Mother”

What do you call a spanish woman with a yeast infection?

A macarena with cheese.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

The Ebonic Lord’s Prayer

Big Daddy’s Rap – The Lord’s Prayer
Yo, Bid Daddy upstairs, – Our Father, who art in heaven
You be chillin – Hallowed be thy name
So be yo hood – Thy Kingdom come
You be sayin’ it, I be doin’ it – Thy will be done
In this here hood and yo’s – On earth as it is in heaven
Gimme some eats – Give us this day our daily bread
And cut me some slack, Blood – And forgive us our trespasses
Sos I be doin’ it to dem dat diss me – As we forgive those who trespass against us
don’t be pushing me into no jive – And lead us not into temptation
and keep dem Crips away – But deliver us from evil
‘Cause you always be da Man

O’Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket
when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet
running down his leg.

“Please, God,” he implored, “let it be blood!”

What’s the best form of birth control after 50?

Nudity.

A young woman in a REALLY skimpy skirt is at the bus stop. When the bus arrives and the doors open she tries to climb the steps. However, her skirt is too tight and her legs can’t move. So she reaches behind her and undoes her zipper.

She tries to step up again, and still can’t, so she reaches behind again and plays with the zipper.

She tries to climb the steps again…still no luck.

So as she’s reaching behind again, a pair of strong hands pick her up and place her on the top step.

“What do you think you’re doing?”, she asks the guy behind her.

“Well, I figured the second time you undid my fly we were at least good friends!”

Once upon a time, there was a magical jungle called Mimbubu. In this magical jungle there lived a tribe of Amazon Pygmies.Legend has it that the Mimbubu jungle was inhabited by an evil and deadly bird, the Foo bird. The tribe tells the story of how the Foo bird stalks its prey while passing unaware through the Mimbubu jungle, and when the unsuspecting victim is least aware, the Foo bird lays a single bird dropping on them. Now the bird dropping proves no harm, but to the unfortunate victim, removing or brushing off the bird dropping results in instantaneous DEATH!!! Needless to say, the people of Mimbubu spend their entire lives covered in bird droppings from the Foo bird.And what, you might ask, is their tribe motto?”If the Foo shits, wear it.”

There was a man wanting to hire someone for his new buisness.
This black woman walked in and said, “I’m looking for a job.”
The man said “Okay”, but i don’t have the applications ready
yet.”Then he said I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll give you four
words and you have to make a sentence out of them. She said I
gotts tis! The man said the first word is “Read.” So she said “I
went to the store and bought a red dress. The man said okay,
second word, “nachos”. She said “okay i gotts tis,” I went to
the store and bought a red dress and its nach yos. The man was
getting angry with the women but said okay third word
“NINEBUTTONS.” She replied again, “Okay I gotts tis,” I went to
the store and bought a red dress that nach yos and has nine
buttons and buttonss eight. The mas was really angry now,but he
said okay last word “HOTEL!” She said,” OKAY I GOTTS TIS!!! I
WENT TO THE STORE AND BOUGHT A RED DRESS AND ITS NACH YOS IT HAS
NINE BUTTONS AND I ONLY BUTTONSS EIGHT AND WHEN I BEND OVER YOU
CAN SEE MY HO’TAIL!”

Q. If you’re Australian going into the bathroom and American coming out, then what were you inside the Batroom?

A. European (You’re a-peein’)