Why did Beethoven kill his chicken? It kept saying ”Bach, Bach, Bach…”
Category: other
La esposa le dice al
La esposa le dice al esposo: “�Por qu� no arreglas la luz del pasillo?”
El esposo contesta: “�Pero si yo no soy electricista!”
“�Por qu� no arreglas ese mueble de la cocina?”
“�Pero si yo no soy carpintero!”
Un d�a llega el esposo y ve que la luz y el mueble est�n arreglados y el esposo le pregunta: “�C�mo has arreglado todo?”
“Vino el vecino nuevo y lo arregl� todo.”
“�Y te cobr� algo?”
“Bueno, me dio a elegir entre hacerle una tarta o acostarme con �l.”
“�Y de qu� le hiciste la tarta?”
“�Pero si yo no soy pastelera!”
“Well, Mrs. O’Connor, so you want a divorce?…
“Well, Mrs. O’Connor, so you want a divorce?” the solicitor questioned
his client. “Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?”
“Oh, no,” replied Mrs. O’Connor. “Shure now, we have a carport.”
The solicitor tried again. “Well, does the man beat you up?”
“No, no,” said Mrs. O’Connor, looking puzzled. “I’m always first out of
bed.”
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. “Well, does he go in for
unnatural connubial practices?”
“Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don’t think he knows anything
about the connubial.”
Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. “What I’m trying to find out are
what grounds you have.”
“Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat — not even a window box, let alone
grounds.”
“Mrs. O’Connor,” the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, “you
need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you
seeking this divorce?”
“Ah, well now,” said the lady, “Shure it’s because the man can’t hold an
intelligent conversation.”
Keep the sheets off
A man goes on vacation to the Caribbean, quickly falls asleep on the sand and ends up with a wicked sunburn.
Wincing in pain as even a slight wind touches his scorched skin, the man hobbles off to the local doctor for help.
The doctor takes one look at the man’s legs and says, “I don’t have anything to treat sunburn that bad. Try taking these Viagra pills.”
“I’ve got sunburn!” cries the man. “What the hell’s Viagra going to do?”
“Well, nothing for the sunburn,” the doctor replies. “But it will help keep the sheets off your legs tonight.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Legs apart?
Maria is very religious. She gets married and has 17 children, then her husband dies. She remarries a few weeks later and has another 22 children with her second husband. Maria dies. At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, ‘At least they are finally together.’A man standing next to the priest asks, ‘Excuse me, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?’The priest says, ‘I mean her legs.’
Circumcise or Divorce?
Q: What’s the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!
A licker cabinet
Q. What do you call 20 lesbians in a closet?
A. A licker cabinet.
Big Chief No Fart
The daughter of an Indian chief visits his doctor. She tells the doctor “Big Chief no fart.”
The doctor tells her to give him three pills a day.
The girl comes back the next day and tells the doctor, “Big Chief no fart.”
The doctor then gets really worried and tells her to give him ten pills an hour.
The girl comes back the next day and says, “Big Chief no fart.”
After hearing this the doctor gets so pissed off that he tells her to give him a jar an hour.
The next day the girl comes back crying and says “Big fart no Chief!”
Sexual tension quiz
Answers below….
1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes.
When I’m not well, I drip.
When you blow me, I feel good.
2. I’m spread before I’m eaten.
Your tongue gets me off.
People sometimes lick my nuts.
3. I assist an erection.
Sometimes big balls hang from me.
I’m called a big swinger.
4. Over 1,000 people went down on me.
I wasn’t maiden for long.
A big hard thing ripped me open.
5. You stick your poles inside me.
You tie me down to get me up.
I get wet before you do.
6. When I go in I cause pain.
I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow.
I can fill your hole.
7. A finger goes in me.
You fiddle with me when you’re bored.
The best man always has me first.
8. All day long, it’s in and out.
I discharge loads from my shaft.
Both men and women go down on me.
9. I go in hard.
I come out soft.
You blow me hard.
10. If I miss, I hit your bush.
It’s my job to stuff your box.
When I come, it’s news.
11. I offer Protection.
I get the finger ten times.
You use your fingers to get me off.
12. I have a stiff shaft.
My tip penetrates.
I come with a quiver.
13. My business is briefs.
I am a cunning linguist.
I plead and plead for it.
…………………………………………………………………………….
Answers:
1. nose
2. peanut butter
3. crane
4. Titanic
5. tent
6. dentist
7. wedding ring
8. elevator
9. chewing gum
10. newspaper boy
11. glove
12. arrow
13. attorney
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
New Prayers
The girls’ prayer: Our Cash Which art on plastic Hallowed be thy name Thy Cartier watch Thy Prada bag In Myer As it is in David Jones Give us each day our Platinum Visa And forgive us our overdraft As we forgive those who stop our Mastercard And lead us not into Katies And deliver us from Sussans For thine is the Dinnigan, the Akira and the Armani For Chanel No.5 and Eternity Amex.The boys’ prayer:Our beer Which art in bottles Hallowed by thy sport Thy will be drunk I will be drunk At home as it is in the pub Give us each day our daily schooners And forgive us our spillage As we forgive those who spillest against us And lead us not into the practice of poofy wine tasting And deliver us from Tequila For mine is the bitter The chicks and the footy Forever and ever Barmen.
Cold bulls
On a cold, cold night two bulls are standing in a field.
One says “Boy it’s mighty cold out here!”, the other says “Yes, I think I might slip into a nice Jersey”.
Advertising Secretary
A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, “Is that for sale?” “Of course not!” she snapped angrily, blushing furiously. Unchanged, he replied quietly, “Then, I suggest you quit advertising it.”