Category: other

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad
Wolf crouched down behind a log.

“My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf”, says Little Red Riding Hood.

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time
he is crouched behind a tree stump.

“My what big ears you have, Mr Wolf” says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the
wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the ighway Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf yet again
this time crouched down behind a road sign.

“My what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf” taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, “Will you leave me the
hell alone! I’m trying to take a shit!”

Have you heard of the new all-black version of a Shakespearean comedy
called “As You Likes It”?

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home.

He calls her on the phone, and says, “I’ll be home in an hour.”

“Perfect,” she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before.

He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?

She calls him on the phone and she says, “Traffic is terrible. I won’t be there for about an hour and a half.”

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. “What should I do?” he asks.

The Doctor replied, “It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?”

“Yes” the man replied.

“Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?” said the Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay, “But I don’t need Viagra with the housekeeper…”

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only nine holes.

Sid says to Barney, ‘Let’s say we make the time worth while, at least for one of us and put $5 on the lowest score for the day.’

Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game.

After the eighth hole, Barney is ahead by one stroke but cuts his ball into the rough on the ninth.

‘Help me find my ball. You look over there,’ he says to Sid.

After five minutes, neither has had any luck and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ‘I’ve found my ball,’ he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, ‘After all the years we’ve been friends, you’d cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?’

‘What do you mean cheat?’ says Barney, ‘I found my ball right here.’

‘And a liar too,’ Sid says with amazement, ‘I’ll have you know, I’ve been standing on your ball for the last five minutes.’

Bill Gates, el hombre m�s rico del mundo, el creador de Microsoft hab�a muerto y llega con San Pedro.

San Pedro le dice: “Mira, te mereces el Cielo, porque gracias a ti los humanos tienen una vida m�s c�moda y hay una computadora en cada casa, pero por esa porquer�a de Windows 95 te mandar�a directo al infierno, as� que te voy a dejar escoger”.

Lo deja entrar al Cielo, y Gates observa un coro de �ngeles cantando, y mucha paz y tranquilidad, y piensa: “Esto est� bien, pero es muy aburrido”.

Entonces, le pide a San Pedro que le deje ver el infierno. Atraviesan las puertas del cielo y Gates se sorprende de ver a unas modelos desnudas en la playa, tomando el sol, en una gran fiesta. Por supuesto, el multimillonario opta por la segunda opci�n.

San Pedro se despide de �l y, despu�s de 2 semanas, decide ver que tal la pasa su amigo en el infierno y en un rato libre se asoma por ah�. Al llegar, ve que unos demonios est�n tortur�ndolo con cadenas y l�tigos. En el momento, Gates le pregunta desconcertado que qu� hab�a pasado con la fiesta y con las mujeres desnudas.

“�Ah, ese era el protector de pantalla!”

Un hombre le dice a su novia:

“Mar�a, ahora mismo te la voy a meter hasta el fondo”.

“�Pero, Carlos, podr�as ser algo m�s rom�ntico! �No?”

“Est� bien, Mar�a: A la luz de la luna, te la voy a meter hasta el fondo”.

It seems God noticed Adam was despondent. So the Lord God said, “Adam, come over here and sit down!”. And Adam did so.

“Adam,” spoke the Creator, “I see your countenance is fallen and you seem to feel rotten and lonely.” Adam said nothing in response. “So,” continued the Lord, “I am going to create an alternate person who will be with you!” Adam just looked puzzled but interested. “This person,” said the Lord, “will take all the raw and tasteless food that you are currently ruining and will prepare wonderful, spicy, and tasty dishes.” Adam looked grateful. “This person, “said the Lord, “will be beautiful to behold and graceful and interesting to watch as she walks.” Adam looked thoughtful. “This person, “emphasized the Lord,”will be able to satisfy all those dreams that you currently are having!” Adam really looked relieved. “And, lastly,” said the Lord, “She will obey your every whim and desire and order with cheerfulness.” Adam was really impressed and finally spoke.

“O.K., Lord, but what is this going to cost me?” “An arm and a leg,” said the Almighty.

“Well,” Adam then said, “What can I get for a rib?”

Every time Timmy’s mom had her boyfriend over, she put Timmy in the closet with his teddy bear. One day, hearing her husband coming up the stairs, she quickly shoved her boyfriend in with Timmy.”Gee, it’s mighty dark in here,” Timmy said.”Yes, it sure is,” replied the boyfriend.”You wanna buy my teddy bear for fifty bucks?” asked Timmy.”No way, kid. You’re crazy,” said the boyfriend.”I’ll scream,” said Timmy.So the boyfriend forked over the money. The next time Timmy’s grandmother came to visit, she noticed that her grandson was buying candy, ice cream and comic books. “Where did you get the money for all those things?” she asked, but Timmy wouldn’t tell her. “Well, if you won’t tell me, you’ll have to go to confession and tell the priest,” said Grandma, and dragged Timmy off to the church.As he entered the gloomy confession booth, Timmy said, “Gee, it’s mighty dark in here.””Are you going to start that shit again?” the priest replied.

Quotes taken from actual employee evaluations:

1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig.”
2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
3. “This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely won’t be.”
4. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
5. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap.”
6. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever
foot was previously in there.”
7. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.”
8. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
9. “This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better.”

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to smoke some maruighuana
Jack got high and dropped his fly
so Jill said “Ooh I wanna!”

Old Mrs. Stubbard went to the cubboard
To get the dog a bone
When she bent over
the dog took over
and gave her a bone of his own

Life’s Reflections1. I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.2. I’m in shape. Round is a shape.3. I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.4. Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?5. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?6. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea where she is.7. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Q. What do you call 20 lesbians in a closet?
A. A licker cabinet.