Bear Chips

A priest, a rabbi and a Pentecostal preacher all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Mich U in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk “shop.”

One day someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. Well, one thing led to another and before it was over they decided to do a 7 day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear and preach to it.

It’s now 7 days later and they’re all together to discuss the experience.

Father O’Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages goes first. “Wellll,” he says in a fine Irish brouge, “Ey wint oot into th’ wooods to fynd me a bearr. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to rread to him from the Baltimorre Chatecism. Welll, thet bearr wanted naught to do wi’ me und begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grrabbed me holy water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he becam as gintle as a lamb. The bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und confierrmation.”

Reverend Billy Bob speaks next. He’s in a wheel chair, with an arm and both legs in casts and an I.V. drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaims, “WELL brothers….you KNOW that we don’t

sprinkle…. WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from God’s HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we began to rassle. We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a crick. So’se I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An’ jus like you you sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God’s OOOOLY word.”

They both look down at the rabbi who’s lying in a hospital bed. He’s in a body cast & traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. The rabbi looks up and says “Oy! You don’t know what tough is until you try to circumcise one of those creatures.”

Rather Yell

After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,
“Mom, I’ve decided I’m going to be a minister when I grow up.

“That’s okay with us,” the mother said, “But what made you decide to be a
minister?”

“Well,” the boy replied, “I’ll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I
figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.

Quick Thinking Boy

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of a market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. But the man said that he did not need a whole head, only a half.

The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager. So he walked into the back room and said, “There is some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.”

As he said it, he turned to find the man standing right behind him. Realizing he had been overheard, the boy quickly added, “and this gentleman wants to buy the other half.”

The manager okayed the request, and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, “You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You think on your feet, and we like that around here. Where are you from son?”

The boy replied, “Minnesota, sir”.

“Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota,” asked the manager.

The boy replied, “They’re all just hookers and hockey players up there.”

“My wife is from Minnesota!”

The boy replied, “Oh Really! What team did she play for?”

Un hombre en sus cuarentas

Un hombre en sus cuarentas compr� un BMW y sali� a correrlo a la autopista a toda velocidad, cuando de pronto vio la luz roja y azul de una patrulla sigui�ndolo.

“No hay forma de que me alcancen con este auto”, pens� y aceler� a fondo. Tras unos segundos, se dio cuenta del problema en el que se estaba metiendo, y se detuvo a un lado de la carretera.

El polic�a se acerc� a �l, tom� su licencia sin decir nada, la examin� con cuidado y revis� el auto. Despu�s le dijo:

“Mire amigo, ha sido un d�a muy pesado, estoy a punto de terminar mi turno y adem�s es viernes. No tengo ganas de hacer papeleo, as� que si puede darme una excusa para su exceso de velocidad que no haya escuchado nunca antes, lo dejar� ir.”

El tipo lo pens� por un segundo y respondi�:

“La semana pasada mi esposa se fug� con un polic�a. Ten�a miedo de que usted estuviera tratando de regres�rmela.”

“�Que tenga un bonito fin de semana!, dijo el polic�a.

Timber Injury

A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.The angry lady demanded, ” What took you so long?”The unperturbed doctor replied, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.”

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN

1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the
ground.
3. You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the
ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings
will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the
ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their
skins.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the
ground.

Duck

One day there are three drunk teenagers (girls). In the middle of the night they are driving home. The driver swirves and goes off a cliff and all three die.

In heaven there is only one rule don’t step on a duck (there are ducks every where). So a few hours later the first woman steps on a duck and gets chained to the ugliest man ever.

So a couple daps later the second woman steps on a duck and gets chained two the second ugliest man in heaven.

So years go by and the third woman is shopping and all of the sudden a handsome man gets chained to her. She then says “what i didn’t step on a duck.”” And the man says “”but i did.””

TWINKEYS

THIS GUY THREW HIS USED CONDEM OUT THE WINDOW BECAUSE IT WAS FILLED UP WITH HIS JUICE SO THE GUY WAS ALL OUT OF CONDOMS SO HE GOES TO THE STORE AND ASKS FOR A CONDOM HES ALL OUT TO SO HE GOES TO HIS BETS FRIEND AND ASKS IF HE COULD USE ONE OF HIS HE WAS ALL OUT TOO SO WHEN HE WAS WALKING BACK TO HIS APPARTMENT HE DECIDED THAT HE AS GONNA JUST GO FIND HIS USED ONE THAT HE THREW OUT THE WINDOW SO HE GOES TO THE SPOT THAT HE THREW HIS CONDEM BUT THER WASA LITTLE GIRL THERE SO THE GIRL PICKED UP THE CONDEM BUT THE LITTLE GIRL DIDNT NO WHAT IT WAS SO THE GUY SAID TO THE LITTLE GIRL I WILL GIVE YOU $1.00 FOR THAT TWINKEY SO THE GIRL SAID OK SO THE GUY GETS HIS CONDEM BASK AND THE LITTLE GRIL GOES TO HE HOUSE AND SAYS TO HER MOM AND SAYS MOM I JIPED THIS GUY HE GAVE ME A $1.00 FOR A TWINKEY BUT I SUCKED OUT ALL THE CREAM

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the…

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad
Wolf crouched down behind a log.

“My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf”, says Little Red Riding Hood.

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time
he is crouched behind a tree stump.

“My what big ears you have, Mr Wolf” says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the
wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the ighway Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf yet again
this time crouched down behind a road sign.

“My what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf” taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams, “Will you leave me the
hell alone! I’m trying to take a shit!”