Category: other

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”

The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

Two girls are sitting in a movie-theater.

“That man beside me is fumbling his crotch”, one whispers to the other.

“Just ignore it”, is the answer.

“Easy for you to say. He’s using my hand!”.

Three guys were applying for the priesthood. The Cardinal was going to give them a test. He tied a bell attached to a string on each of their penises. He told them that he was going to show them pictures of naked girls and if the bells rang then they would flunk the priesthood test.He showed the first guy the pictures and nothing happened. “you passed”, the Cardinal said.He showed the naked girls to the second guy. Nothing happened. “you passed.”He showed the pictures to the third guy. Nothing happened.The Cardinal said “all of you passed.” The Cardinal turned to put away the pictures but dropped them. He bent over to pick them up and all three bells went “ding, ding,ding.”

Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Lassie. I called mine Sex.

Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex.

He said “I would like to have one too” then I said “but this is a dog”

He said he didn’t care what she looked like.

Then I said “but you don’t understand I have had Sex since I was 9 years old.

He replied that I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me.

I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for me and my wife and a separate room for Sex.

He said every room in this place is for sex.

I said “you don’t understand” Sex keeps me awake all night and the clerk replied “me too”.

I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away.

Another contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest.

He told me that I could have sold tickets for that “but you don’t understand, I hope to have Sex on T.V.

He called me a Show off.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.

I said “Your honor I had sex before we were married”

The judge said “me too”.

Then I told him that after we were married sex left me.

He replied “me too”.

Last night Sex ran off again I spent hours looking around for him.

A cop came over and asked me “What are you doing wandering around the alley’s at 4:AM”.

I replied “I am looking for Sex”

My case comes up in court on Friday.

Yo mama is so fat she sweats barbeque sauce.

What letter of the alphabet always askes a question?
A: the letter y {why?]

Dear

a) Mom,
b) Dad,
c) Love of my life,
d) Assistant Principal,
e) Local Police Chief,

Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your

a) Car
b) House
c) Pet
d) Mother-in-law
e) Left arm

was severely damaged by my

a) infantile
b) puerile
c) inept
d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic
e) woefully under appreciated

prank.

How could I have known that the

a) car
b) jet ski
c) large helium balloon
d) Patriot missile
e) Zamboni

I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is
true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your

a) house
b) wife
c) Cub Scout troop
d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete
with lightbulb in the torch
e) priceless collection of Rolling Rock beer cans

You must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent
carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to

a) imagine
b) fathom
c) comprehend
d) appreciate
e) pay for

and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know
that you are perfectly within your rights to

a) hate me
b) sue me
c) spank me
d) take my firstborn
e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the
fish in your koi pond

but I ask you to remember all the good times we’ve had,
joshing around at

a) school
b) work
c) church
d) the bowling alley
e) the municipal jail

and to remember that I am first and foremost your

a) friend
b) child
c) sibling
d) lease co-signer
e) only possible match should you ever need a
bone marrow transplant.

I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that

a) was so stupid
b) was so silly
c) would have been funny if it worked
d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first
e) I’m going to use again on someone else.

Sincerely,

(your name here)
—————-

A security man has a dream that the plane his boss is supposed to take the
next day is going to crash. When he wakes up he calls his boss at home and tells
him. Insanely enough, the boss listens to him and decides not to take the plane.

The next day, according to the young man’s words, the plane crashes. The
relieved boss calls the young man to his office and gives him a reward — and
then fires him. Curious as to why he is fired, the man asks his boss. The boss
replies, �You were sleeping on the job.�

The man told his doctor that he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.””Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.””Okay,” said the man.”Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

What’s the favorite food of a Black/Italian halfbreed?

– Barbequed spaghetti.

What’s the difference between a peugot and a golf ball? You can drive a golf ball 200yards!

After years of his wife’s pleading, this good ol boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the Preacher’s sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.

He said, “Reverend, that was the best gawd damn sermon I ever did hear!”

The Preacher replied, “Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please…I’d appreciate it if you didn’t use the Lord’s name in vain!”

The man said, “I’m sorry Reverend, but I can’t help myself, it was a good gawddamn sermon!”

The Reverend said, “Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way at Church”!

The man said, “Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so gawddamn good, I put $500.00 in the collection plate!”

And the Reverend said, “NO SHIT?!”