Yours Fun Portal !
The film board of censors had just viewed a new film of dubious social and artistic value, when the chairman arose and said:
“I believe I speak for all of us when I request another showing of that revolting, disgusting scene with the midget, the airedale, the gorilla, the two naked men and the two naked girls.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
~ You were meant for me, perhaps as a punishment.~ I know how to push all my wife’s buttons … now if I could only find the one marked OFF!~ I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never believed in hell until I met you.~ Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder: what the hell was I thinking?~ As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you’re not here to ruin it for me.~ They say that an attractive human body is worth a million dollars. Looks like someone robbed your ugly ass.~ When we were together, you always said you’d die for me. Now that we’ve broke up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.~ I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.~ I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re here.
ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES
1. Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2. Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other
non-player must be in the bathroom at the time).
3. Ignore the first five people who say “good morning” to you.
4. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name
and say “Just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye”.
5. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over
your ears and grimace.
6. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and
whisper huskily, “Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!”
7. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out,
say, “Sorry, I really prefer it this way.”
8. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
9. While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the
doors open.
THREE-POINT OFFICE DARES
1. Say to your boss, “I like your style” and shoot him with
double-barrelled fingers.
2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask “Did you
get all that, I don’t want to have to repeat it.”
3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4.Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the
nozzle (there must be a “non-player” within sight).
5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
FIVE POINT OFFICE DARES
1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be
nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra
points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2. Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch
you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10
times.
3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as “Bob.”
4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go
do a number two.”
5. After every sentence, say “mon” in a really bad Jamaican
accent, i.e., “the report’s on your desk, mon.” Keep this up for
one hour.
6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the
elevator.
7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead
repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut
up!”
8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce “As God is
my witness, I’ll never go hungry again.”
9. In a colleague’s diary, write in 10am: “See how I look in
tights?”
10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask “You
wanna trade?”
11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same
person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, “I
can’t talk about it.”
13. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during
a very important conference call.
14. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of
your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it
out.
A Montanan is driving down the road and suddenly sees this Californian hitch hiking. He pulls over offers him a lift and down the road they go. After a few miles they come across this sheep with its head stuck in a fence. The Montanan immediately pulls over and jumps out to check out the situation. After a minute he yanks out his dick and begins ramming the sheep from behind.
After awhile of doing this he calls out to the Californian who is still in the car, “Hey, you wanna give it a shot?”
The Californian shrugs his shoulders and says, “sure.” He gets out of the car approaches the sheep and then sticks his head in the fence.
Wal-Mart says they plan to open 90 stores in China by the end of next year.
90 stores! Well, that makes sense.
I guess they figure they might as well open stores in China. That’s where all the stuff is made.
– Jay Leno
A bus stops and two Italian men get on.
They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time.”
“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talking abouta sexa? Imma justa tellun my frienda how to spella “Mississippi”!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by BreeBrown
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other’s health one asked how the other’s husband was doing.
“Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!”
“Oh dear! I’m very sorry.” replied her friend “What did you do?”
“Opened a can of peas instead!”
The teacher says, “children, today i will ask each of you to come to the front
of the class and use a word in a sentence. today’s word is “beautiful”. little
sally, would you please come up here and use “beautiful” in a sentence?”
little sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said –
“teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world.”
teacher says, “very good, little sally, you may sit. little frankie, your
turn.”
little frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said
– “teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise i have ever
seen.” teacher says, “very good, little frankie, you may sit. little johnny,
it’s your turn.”
little johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said
– “teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he
said…
‘beautiful, just f*****’ beatuiful!’ “
Dos maricas se van de luna de miel. Apenas llegan al motel y empiezan a hacerlo: dale que dale, toda la noche sin pararle. Al d�a siguiente, ya cansados los dos, uno de ellos decide ir a comprar algunas cosillas para el desayuno, pero cuando vuelve encuentra toda la pieza llena de semen: las paredes, la cama, todo. Con asombro, el reci�n llegado pregunta:
“��Mi amor, qu� pas� aqu�?!”
“�Qu�, acaso no me puedo tirar un pedo?”, le reprocha el otro.
Q: what is the difference between a vacuum and a harley??
A:where the dirtbag is!!!!
Llega un borracho a las tantas de la noche a su casa, despacio, para no despertar a su mujer. En eso, la mujer despierta y comienza a insultarlo:
“�Desgraciado, mira en la facha que vienes y la hora que es! Y a m� ni siquiera me compras un vestido. �Infeliz!”
Balbuciendo, el temulento le responde:
“�Diez a�os viviendo contigo y no ten�a idea que vend�as ropa!”
Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole as their older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend.They hear her say, “Oh, Jim, you’re going where no man has gone before!”The six-year-old says to his brother, “He must be fucking her up the ass!”