Category: other

On his first solo flight, the following conversation took place while landing:

Tower: “Aircraft on final approach, go around. Aircraft on runway.”

Student Pilot: “Roger” (Continues descent.)

Tower: “Aircraft, GO AROUND”

Student Pilot: “Roger” (Continues descent.)

Tower: (Screaming) “AIRCRAFT, GO AROUND!!”

Student Pilot: “Roger” (Continues descent.)

So, the student pilot plunks his airplane down on the numbers, taxies up to where the Boeing 747 is sitting in the middle of the runway, carefully steers around the big monster waiting to take off, and calmly continues onto the taxiway.

So this man is taking a plane trip, and the pilot gives his
little speech into the microhpone with “we will be traveling at
3,000 feet and 300 mph….etc…then, forgeting that he left the
mocrophone on says…”man what i would give right now to get a
hot cup of coffee and a blowjob.” So hearing this the stuardess
drops the trays she was holding and starts to take off running
down to the cockpit, and the man yells “Hey honey, don’t forget
the coffee”!

because she has ginger hair!!!

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser.””Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. “I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn’t care.” The second Englishman remarked, “You just don’t know how to set him off…watch and learn.” So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!””Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. “You’re right. He’s unshakable!”The third Englishman remarked, “Boys, I’ll really tick him off… just watch.” So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!””Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me.”

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, “What is three times three?”

“274” was his reply.

The doctor worriedly says to the second man, “It’s your turn. What is three times three?”

“Tuesday” replies the second man.

The doctor sadly says to the third man, “Okay, your turn. What’s three times three”?

“Nine” says the third man.

“That’s great!” exclaims the doctor. “How did you get that”?

“Jeez, Doc, it’s pretty simple,” says the third man. “I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday.”

1) Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
2) How do you embarrass an archeologist? Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
3) What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
4) What’s the difference between love, true love, and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
5) What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
6) What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
7) What is the biggest problem for an atheist? No one to talk to during orgasm.
8) What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s ass? A mechanic.
9) Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
10) Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? She is the one who can eat the last donut.
11) Jewish dilemma:
Free PORK.
12) The three words most hated by men during sex: “Are you in?”
13) The three words women hate to hear when having sex: “Honey, I’m home!”
14) Why do men take showers instead of baths? Pissing in the bath is disgusting.
15) Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went.

There was an old man in a nursing home who always fell out of his wheelchair. Finally, the nurses decided to do something about it, so they appointed a nurse to watch him all the time. He started to lean foward so the nurse stuck a pillow in front of him. Then he started to lean backward so she stuck a pillow behind him. Then he started to lean to the left so she stuck a pillow to the left of him. Then he leaned to the right and she stuck a pillow to the right of him. Later on that day, his son came to visit him. ”Dad, why do you have all those pillows around you”? ”Well, the nurses around here won’t let me fart!”

Three prison inmates were locked in the same cell; they soon began talking.
“What are you here for?” asked one inmate of another. “They put me in for
beating up some old Jew named Khaimovich,” snarled one man. “And why are you
here?” asked the second of the first. “For having defended some old Jew named
Khaimovich in a fight,” he replied. “And what were you arrested for?” the third
inmate was asked. “For being Khaimovich,” he sighed.

ur mums so fat she uses the equator as a belt 🙂

You are so tight-assed, you can back into a wall and suck out a brick!

Three nuns die and go to heaven. They are met at the pearly gates by St.
Peter, who tells them they led such good lives they will be permitted to
return to earth as anyone they want.

The first nun thinks it over and says
“I’d like to return as Sophia Loren.”

St. Peter says “Fine, you can return as Sophia Loren.”

The second nun thinks and says “I’d like to be Gina Lollabrigida.”

St. Peter says “No problem, you can return as Gina Lollabrigida.”

The third nun says “I think I’d like to be Virginia Pipeline.”

St. Peter says, “Hmmm, I don’t think I know of anyone named Virginia
Pipeline.”

At which point the third nun shows him the headline from the morning
paper: “Virginia Pipeline Laid by 25 Men”

Wal-Mart says they plan to open 90 stores in China by the end of next year.

90 stores! Well, that makes sense.

I guess they figure they might as well open stores in China. That’s where all the stuff is made.

– Jay Leno