Category: other

Un tipo va por la calle con la cara triste y se encuentra a un colega.

“Macho, �por qu� est�s as�? �te ha pasado algo?”

“Es que se me ha muerto mi mujer”.

“�Joder, qu� putada! �Y tus hijos?”

“Muertos tambi�n”.

“�Y de que murieron?, pregunta acongojado el amigo.

“De un empacho”.

“�Un empacho de qu�?”

“De setas”.

“Vaya, �y tu suegra, qu� tal?”

“Muerta”.

“Claro… otro empacho de setas �no?”

“�Qu� va… la mat� yo a hostias!”, responde col�rico el afligido.

“�Pero, por qu�?”

“�Porque no quiso comerse las putas setas!”

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad. Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad. Brits: Can’t possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad. Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates. Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.Canadians: Believe that that’s the government’s job. Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer. Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.Canadians: Can’t agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box. Canadians: Don’t, but only because they can’t get more American channels. Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels. Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them. Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it “English”. Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it “English”. Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans. Aussies: Add “G’day”, “mate” and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid. Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer. Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer. Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss. Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it. Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect. Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect. Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.

1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

3. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must’ve been doing about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are you Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in really good shape to be a police officer.

7. You’re not gonna check the trunk are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That’s how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says “Gee Son…Your eyes look red, have you been drinking? You probably shouldn’t respond with, “Gee Officer, your eyes looked glazed…have you been eating donuts?

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke!

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original “Jaws” story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO. 2. The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass – led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.

Parte plaza en Madrid el gran torero Manolo con toda su cuadrilla atr�s de �l. Va con su soberbio caminar sosteniendo con el brazo izquierdo su muleta. En ese momento un aire le tumba la montera de la cabeza y para no perder la compostura le tira el agarr�n por la espalda con su mano derecha y sigue su marcha. En eso, oye al muletero decir:

“�Suete, matadooo!”

“�Gracia, muetero!”

Vuelve a escuchar:

“�Suete, matadooo!”

“�Gracia, muetero!”

Por tercera vez escucha:

“�Suete, matadooo!”

“�Pero, po qu� tanta suerte, muetero?”

“No le estoy diciendo: suerte, matador. �Le digo suelte que me trae agarrado de los cojones!”

Q. – How do you keep a black kid from jumping on the bed?

A. – Put velcro on the ceiling.

Erase una vez un tartamudo que viv�a en un pueblo que odiaba a los tartamudos. Un d�a fue a una cantina a pedir un vaso de coca-cola y pregunt�:

“Se-se-se-se-se�or mmmmme PUpupupupu…”

Y el cantinero dijo:

“�Vete a la mierda tartamudo conchetumade!”

Volvi� a la semana despu�s de practicar y dijo:

“Se-se�or, me pupuede ddddddaadadaadadadadadaddaada…”

“�Tartamudo conchetumadre vete a la mierda!”

Y as� fue la historia durante un largo a�o de pr�ctica, cuando volvi� con su frase bien preparada y dijo:

“Se�or, me puede dar un vaso de coca-cola por favor?”

Y el cantinero responde:

“�Helada o sin helar?”

El tartamudo muy enojado por la pregunta responde:

“CocococococococONCHETUMADRE!”

There were three couples, one of Jewish faith, one of Catholic faith and one of Protestant faith. The entire group was returning, by plane,from an inter-faith conference when their plain crashed. Well, low and behold, each couple found themselves at the Pearly gates facing St. Peter.

St. Peter asked the Jewish man,”Sir is it true you loved money so much that you married a women named ‘Penny’?'”

And when the Jewish man answered yes, he and his wife named Penny where told to go on down to hell. They’d be better suited there.

They next couple to come before St. Peter was the Catholic couple. St Peter said,” Is it true, sir, that you love alcohol so much that you married a woman named Sherry? And when the Catholic man had answered yes, St. Peter told him to go on down to hell. He and his drink-loving wife would be better suited down there.

Well about this time, the Protestant man grabbed his wife’s hand and said,” Come on, Fanny, it ‘s no need for us to even go up there.

El Presidente chino va a la Casa Blanca a un coctel presidencial. Clinton le presenta a su esposa Hillary y como hay una orquesta y pista de baile, el chino invita cort�smente a la primera dama a bailar una pieza.

Mientras est�n bailando una pieza lenta el chino se le pega bien a Hillary e, inevitablemente, tiene una erecci�n.

Hillary al sentir el bulto grita por ayuda: “�ESCOLTA! �ESCOLTA!”

A lo que el Presidente chino contesta: “�ES COLTA PELO GOLDA!”

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his torch around looking for valuables. When he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, ‘Jesus is watching you.’ He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.When he heard nothing more after a little while, he shook his head, promised himself a holiday after the next score, and then clicked his light back on and began searching for more valuables.Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell, he heard, ‘Jesus is watching you.’Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his torch came to rest on a parrot.’Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.’Yep,’ the parrot confessed, and then squawked, ‘I’m trying to warn you.’The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, eh? Who are you?”Moses,’ replied the parrot.`Moses?’ The burglar laughed. ‘What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?’The parrot replied, ‘Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’

Why do they make glow in the dark condoms? So gay guys can play star wars.

How can you tell when a Jewish American Princess has an orgasm?

She drops her nail file.