Category: other

Una muchacha se va a confesar con el cura y le comienza a decir: “padre he venido a confesarme porque tengo muchos pecados”.

El cura, que tiene problemas con el alcohol y estaba bebiendo en ese momento le dice: “no te preocupes hija, y empieza que yo te escucho”.

La joven le dice: “padre, anoche me acost� con Mario el novio de mi hermana. El jueves me acost� con Rub�n, el vecino de enfrente”.

“Contin�a hija”.

“Padre, aqu� huele a ron”.

El padre le dice: “no hagas caso de eso y contin�a”. Ella sigue: “padre, el s�bado pasado le chupe el pito a la mitad del equipo de f�tbol del colegio; me acost� con mis tres profesores de historia y… pero padre, �aqu� huele a ron!”

El cura disgustado le replica: “mira hija, aqu� hace rato que me huele a puta y yo no he dicho nada”.

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager tells her “Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.
You gotta let your rosebuds show!” and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

“Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets.”

Keep in your possession as you pass thru Customs:

10. A genuine hangman’s noose.

9. Large amounts of Monopoly money.

8. Realistic drawings of Margaret Thatcher, in the nude. (Change
as appropriate, depending on the country you visit).

7. Several pounds of white flour in sachets placed inside your
shoes. (Claim that it is flour, but look very nervous).

6. A thick folder with the title “How to Fool Customs Officers”
in large letters. Make sure all the pages are blank.

5. A book by the title “How to Start a Trotskyst Revolution.”
(For added effect, speak with a thick foreign accent and wear a
three-day growth of beard).

4. Half a dozen, very real-looking, but completely fake, hand
grenades (together with the above book, for additional impact).

3. A large number of used condoms, tied in pink and blue ribbons.

2. A half-eaten pastrami sandwich, wrapped in a Playboy
centerfold.

1. A dozen bottles of vodka, filled with water.

15. “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”

14. “This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time
management course you sent me to.”

13. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper”

12. “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and
envisioning a new paradigm!”

11. “This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”

10. “I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance”

9. “Actually I’m doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan” (SLEEP) I
learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

8. “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related
stress.”

7. “Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our
biggest problem.”

6. “The coffee machine is broken….”

5. “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”

4. “Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”

3. “Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!”

2. “I wasn’t sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.”

AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

“Amen”

A young ventriloquist is touring the South and stops to
entertain at a bar in Texas.

He’s going through his usual stupid Redneck jokes, when a big
burly guy in the audience stands up and says “I’ve heard just
about enough of your smart ass hillbilly jokes; we ain’t all
stupid here in the South.”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the big
guy pipes up, “You stay out of this mister, I’m talking to the
smart ass little fella on your knee!”

A new jail warden was being shown through the jailhouse by the old warden.

Soon, after making rounds around the rest of the jail, they get to the cafeteria. In one corner, he sees a group of elderly men laughing hysterically.

Interested, he watches them while the older warden gets his food. One of the men shouts out “63!” and the entire table bursts out laughing. The new warden is totally baffled by the behavior of them. “74!”, again a chorus of guffaws ring out.

The old warden comes back to the table where the new warden sits staring, and the new warden asks “What are those elderly men doing.”

The old warden smirks, and says, “Oh, those are the life timers. They’ve been in here so long, they just number their jokes.”

Meanwhile another one calls out “2!”. Nobody laughs.

The new warden leans over and asks, “What happened?” To this the warden replied, “Oh, he blew the delivery.”

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes overimmediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that heshould bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gentlycaress is cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.”Are you theowner?” she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands. Actually,”No” he replies.”I’m just the manager.” “Can you get him for me? I needto speak to him.” She asks, running her hands up beyond his ears andinto his hair.”I’m afraid I can’t,” breathes the manager clearly aroused,”he’s in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?” “Yes,there is. I need you to give him a message.” She continues huskily,popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck themgently.”Tell him” she says “that there is no toilet paper or hand soap inthe ladies room.”

Un feligr�s va a confesarse:

“Padre, debo confesarle que me gusta decir charadas”.

“�Y qu� son charadas, hijo?”, pregunta el sacerdote.

“Ver�, si usted me pregunta qu� es una charada, yo le digo: en el culo le pongo una puntada”.

“M�s respeto al se�or cura”.

“S�, pero en el culo le pongo una costura”.

Ya enojado, el sacerdote le grita:

“�Queda usted excomulgado!”

“Bien, pero le queda el culo remendado”.

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, “My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him ‘Father’.
The second Catholic woman chirps, “My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Grace’.”

The third Catholic woman says smugly, “My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Your Eminence’.”

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.

The first three women give her this subtle “Well…?”

She replies, “My son is a gorgeous, 6’2″, hard-bodied stripper………… Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ‘Oh my God…’.”

Yo’ mama so fat, she has to wear snowshoes on dry land!

Old Mrs. Wilson loved to hear a fiery sermon. She would sconce her comfortable
bulk in the pew, rock back and forth in time to the minister’s cadences, take a
dip of snuff and cry “A-a-a-men,” at every piece of ministerial denunciation.

When the minister spoke harshly of sex, drinking, smoking, and drug-taking,
she approved heartily, taking snuff at each item and emitting her rolling “A- a-
a-men.”

Finally the minister began, “And now let me talk about another
vicious habit that, fortunately, is going increasingly out of fashion. I refer
to the deplorable practice of snuff-dipping…”

Whereupon Mrs. Wilson sat bolt upright and muttered under her breath,
“Wouldn’t you know? He’s stopped preaching’ and commenced to meddling’!”

Una mujer mayor estando internada en un hospital tiene una experiencia extra corporal y se encuentra con Dios al que le pregunta:

“�Se�or, he muerto acaso?”

“No, hija, vuelve a la tierra que te quedan treinta a�os m�s de vida”.

La mujer despierta y piensa que aprovechando que ya estaba en un hospital, ten�a dinero y muchos a�os por delante decide hacerse todo tipo de cirug�as est�ticas: lipoescultura, tratamiento de varices, se quita las manchas y las estr�as con l�ser, se estira la cara, se opera senos, piernas, gl�teos y todo lo dem�s hasta verse con al menos veinte a�os menos. Al salir del hospital, luciendo m�s joven, la atropella una ambulancia y ahora si que se muere. Cuando se vuelve a encontrar con Dios le reclama:

“�Qu� pas�? �No dijiste que vivir�a treinta a�os m�s?”

“�S�, pero, te juro que no te reconoc�!”