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A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just
rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the
hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to
pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around
and made giant commitments.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”
“Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”
One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church.
Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out “Ouch you f*cking wanker!”
Later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. she said “Father, my boys just won’t stop swearing and I don’t know what to do.”
The priest says “Well, have you tried smacking them?”
She said “No, doesn’t the church look down on that?”
The priest says “Well, yes, but in some cases we’ll make an exception.”
The next day, the two boys come down for breakfast and she asks Tommy what he wants for breakfast.
Tommy says “Well, gimme some f*cking waffles.”
The mom backhands Tommy so hard, he flies out of his chair and lands against the door.
Shocked and terrified by this, Timmy becomes very quiet. His mother asks him what he wants for breakfast, and his reply was, “Well you can bet your sweet ass I don’t want no f*cking waffles!”
What’s with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking — “Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I’d better carpet the toilet too.”
What’s with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.
Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I’ll just say, “Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly.”
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, “No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?” Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”
Can’t we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don’t they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don’t you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
Casual Fridays:
Week 1 – Memo No. 1
Effective this week, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day. Employees
are free to dress in the casual attire of their choice.
Week 3 – Memo No. 2
Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual
Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.
Week 6 – Memo No. 3
Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday’s
wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.
Week 8 – Memo No. 4
A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the
cafeteria. A fashion show will follow. Attendance is mandatory.
Week 9 – Memo No. 5
As an outgrowth of Friday’s seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has
been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper casual-day dress.
Week 14 – Memo No. 6
The Casual Day Task Force has now completed a 30-page manual entitled
“Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards.” A copy has been distributed
to every employee. Please review the chapter “You Are What You Wear” and consult
the “home casual” versus “business casual” checklist before leaving for work
each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of
clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.
Week 18 – Memo No. 7
Our Employee Assistant Plan (EAP) has now been expanded to provide support for
psychological counseling for employees who may be having difficulty adjusting to
Casual Day.
Week 20 – Memo No. 8
Due to budget cuts in the HR Department we are no longer able to effectively
support or manage Casual Day. Casual Day will be discontinued, effective
immediately.
Q: What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
A: One less drunk.
Q: What does K-mart stand for?
A: Kuz Mexicans Are Rich Too.
There was a group of retarded kids that were having a tough time getting through life… Group home, no one to love them.
One day a music teacher happened through and wondered if music might cheer the kids up. It worked! A few of them were musically inclined, and the rest hummed along… The teacher kept coming back and working with the kids. They were improving, so one day she stopped at the store and bought a big bag of apples and some Coca-Cola as a treat to the kids. That day, the kids sang like never before, and the teacher attributed it to the apples and Coke. Every time she came back and brought apples and Cokes the kids were singing like songbirds, and really improving musically…
The music teacher started coming every day, bringing a big load of apples and cases of Coke, and lo and behold, what a choir. The downside of eating a lots of apples and drinking Coke was the kids were getting rather obese…So she decided to keep up with the apples, but changed their beverage to Tab diet cola…
The rest is history, for I think everyone’s heard of The Moron Tab andn Apple Choir.
The French zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very cranky and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Pierre, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals’ cages. Pierre, it was rumoured, had the ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn’t very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Pierre was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for three hundred Euros? Pierre showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Pierre announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. “First,” he said, “I don’t want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union.”
The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what about the third condition.
“Well,” said Pierre, “you’ve got to give me another week to come up with the three hundred Euros.”
An Irish wife was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards, she slipped over and did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.She yelled out for her husband. ‘Paddy! Paddy!’ she yelled.Paddy came running in. ‘Paddy I’ve suctioned myself to the floor,’ she said.’Ohhh nooo! Paddy said and tried to pull her up. ‘You’re just too heavy, love. I’ll go across the road and get Shamus.’Paddy comes back with Shamus and they both tried to pull her up. ‘Nope, I can’t do it,’ Shamus said, ‘Let’s try plan C.”Plan C?’ exclaimed Paddy. ‘What’s that?”I’ll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we will break the tiles under her.”Oh okay,’ Paddy said. ‘While you’re doing that I’ll stay here and play with her tits.”Play with her tits?’ Shamus said. ‘Why would you do that? This is hardly the time.’Paddy replied, ‘Well, I figure if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren’t so expensive to replace.’
Una muchacha se va a confesar con el cura y le comienza a decir: “padre he venido a confesarme porque tengo muchos pecados”.
El cura, que tiene problemas con el alcohol y estaba bebiendo en ese momento le dice: “no te preocupes hija, y empieza que yo te escucho”.
La joven le dice: “padre, anoche me acost� con Mario el novio de mi hermana. El jueves me acost� con Rub�n, el vecino de enfrente”.
“Contin�a hija”.
“Padre, aqu� huele a ron”.
El padre le dice: “no hagas caso de eso y contin�a”. Ella sigue: “padre, el s�bado pasado le chupe el pito a la mitad del equipo de f�tbol del colegio; me acost� con mis tres profesores de historia y… pero padre, �aqu� huele a ron!”
El cura disgustado le replica: “mira hija, aqu� hace rato que me huele a puta y yo no he dicho nada”.
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage
in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their
conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears
one of the men say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come
again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice.
Den I come one-a more.”
“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this
country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!.”
“Hey, coola-downa lady”, said the man. “Imma justa teachin’ my fren’
howa to spella Mississippi.”
Un tipo acude al hospital porque ya no aguantaba el dolor de est�mago. Al llegar, le explica al m�dico que desde hace m�s de tres semanas no pod�a cagar y que ten�a el culo tapado. El facultativo le explica que es imposible que tuviera tanto tiempo sin ir al ba�o.
“Desv�stase que lo va a examinar”.
Al desvestirse, al paciente se le asoma un miembro como de un metro de largo. Asombrado, el doctor le pregunta:
“D�game, �cuando usted va al ba�o, d�nde pone el miembro, adentro o afuera de la taza?”
“Bueno, �ltimamente lo pongo adentro porque el piso est� muy fr�o.
“�Eso es, usted no tiene el culo tapado, lo que tiene es el culo asustado!”