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Estaban dos borrachos en la cantina, hasta las chanclas y sin dinero. Y uno le dice al otro:
“Ya v�monos”.
“�Y ad�nde vamos a ir?”
“Pues a m� se me antoja hacer el amor, �c�mo ves?”
“Pues s�, pero no tenemos dinero para gastar”.
“No importa. �Nada m�s no nos cobramos!”
The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.”We’ve been trying for months now, doctor, and I don’t seem to be able to get pregnant,” she confessed miserably.”I’m sure we�ll solve your problem,” the doctor reassured her.”If you’ll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table.””Well, all right, doctor,” agreed the young woman, blushing, “but I’d rather have my husband’s baby.”
A man goes into a cab and asks to go the Empire State building.
The trip is fine, until the cab approaches a red light and zooms
right through it.
“What the hell are you doing?” asks the man. “You just ran
through a red light. You could’ve gotten me killed!”
The cab driver turns to his passenger and says, “I’m sorry. I
learned to drive a cab from my cousin, and he always taught me
to run through the reds. He always does and it’s a habit of
mine.”
The cab continues on his way, the passenger obviously annoyed.
All of a sudden, the cab grinds to a halt at a green light.
“What the hell are you doing now? Green means go!” the man yells.
The cab driver turns to his passenger once again and says, “I’ve
got to watch for my cousin coming from the other way!”
A priest wanted to raise money for his church and on being told there was a
fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he
ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as
well go ahead and enter it in the races.
To his surprise, the donkey came in third.
The next day the local paper carried this headline:
PRIEST’S ASS SHOWS.
The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race
again, and this time it won.
The local paper read:
PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest
not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline
read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the priest to get rid of the
donkey. The priest decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the
next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the
donkey, so she sold it to a farmer
for ten dollars.
The next day, the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey
and lead it to the plains where it
could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
Two pretzels walk into a dark alley… one was a salted.
Una vez contrataron a una cuadrilla de trabajadores en Tontilndia para pintar la l�nea blanca en la autopista de cuatro carriles. El primer d�a rindieron 10 Km., el segundo d�a 5 Km., el tercero 3Km., el cuarto 1Km. Entonces el encargado de la obra no aguant� m�s y les pregunt�:
“�Qu� es lo que est� pasando?, hab�an empezado muy bi�n y bajaron much�simo su rendimiento.”
“�Pues claro! �Cada d�a nos queda m�s lejos el bote de pintura.”
Un tipo toca a la puerta de una casa y responde un ni�o:
“Nene, �tu mam�?”
“Est� en el ba�o”.
“Ah, �y tu pap�?”
“Tambi�n est� en el ba�o”.
“�Crees qu� se demorar�n?”
“Creo que s�, porque me pidieron la vaselina y les pase el pegamento”.
Un t�o al que le acaba de tocar la loter�a, decide ir a comprarse un cochazo para presumir delante de los amigos. As� que se va a la casa Mercedes y se dirige con un empleado:
“Buenas, querr�a comprar el coche m�s lujoso que tengan”.
“�Perfecto! Pues mire, aqu� tiene el ZR, un nuevo modelo que acaba de salir y que tiene de todo: 400 caballos, asientos de cuero transpirable y calefactables, interior de titanio y madera noble, nevera, DVD, ordenador, GSM etc. �Y lo mejor de todo, es que cuando tiene una aver�a, �l mismo se para en el arc�n de la carretera y toma las medidas necesarias para solucionarla, todo sin necesitar su intervenci�n!”
“�Joder, macho, no hab�a o�do nunca nada similar! �Nada, nada, me lo quedo!”
Total que el individuo sale con su flamante coche nuevo y se dirige a casa para ense��rselo a su familia; cuando a 200 metros del concesionario el coche pone el intermitente derecho, se para en el arc�n y empieza a abrir y cerrar r�pidamente todas las puertas. El t�o se queda flipado, y muy enfadado:
“�Y ahora qu� leches pasa! �Joder, qu� mala suerte, a 200 metros y ya se ha estropeado! �MENUDA MIERDA DE COCHE ME HAN VENDIDO!”
En eso se oye una voz del ordenador de a bordo:
“(Bip) Oye, que para mierdas, el pedo que te has tirado �eh? �SO GUARRO!”
Today, the world was stunned by the news of the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred approximately 8:42 last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going, and going, “Pinkie”, as he was known to his friends and family, was alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny’s batteries in backwards and he kept coming, and coming, and coming …
There was a horrible automobile crash and the driver of the car lay on the
side of the road dying. A passerby said to him kindly, “Why don’t you say a
prayer?”
“I don’t know any,” said the stricken man.
“Haven’t you had any contact with religion?”
“As a boy we used to live next to a Catholic Church!”
“That’s it!” said the well-wisher. “Just repeat what you heard in the
church!”
“Okay,” said the injured man. “B-10, I-25!” “BINGO!”
Here’s a fun tongue twister.
Read the following list and then follow the instructions at the end.
Read it LOUD and REAL FAST…see if you can do it!
DON’T read the instructions until you get it right!!!
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is fool cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
Did ya do it? Now go back up and read the third word in each line starting from the top to the bottom 🙂
There were three golfers.
One golfer hit the ball and it went in the water. He walked over to the edge and stuck his golf club into the water. The water parted and the golfer hit his ball onto the green.
The second golfer hit his ball. It also splashed into the water. The golfer walked onto the water, found his the ball, placed it next to the water hazard and hit it onto the green.
As you may have guessed, the first golfer was Moses, and the second golfer was Jesus.
The third teed off. The ball soared through the air and it too was headed for the water.
However, just before the ball went in the water, a fish jumped up and grabbed the ball in its mouth.
As the fish was about to go back into the water, a eagle grabbed the fish and started to fly away.
Then, as the eagle flew over the green a big flash of lightning hit the eagle.
Well, the eagle dropped the fish and as the fish fell on the green, the ball rolled out of his mouth and into the hole.
Then Jesus shouted, “Dad! If you do that again,I’m going to stop inviting you to play golf with us!”