Category: other

A few years ago, when the Catholic church reform began to be much in
the news, Mrs. Moskowitz said to Mrs. Finkelstein, “Tell me, Becky,
have you heard by chance what’s going on in Rome?”
“No,” said Mrs Finkelstein. “I haven’t. What’s going on in Rome?”
“A meeting of high Catholic churchmen has, among other things,
decided that the Jews are not responsible for the crucifixion of
Jesus.”
Mrs Finkelstein raised her eyebrows. “Indeed? And who is
responsible, then?”
“I’m not sure,” said Mrs. Moskowitz. “I think they suspect the
Puerto Ricans.”

Un hombre caminaba con su hijo de 8 a�os adentro de una farmacia. Al pasar por el estante de condones, el ni�o pregunta:

“�Qu� son �stos, pap�?”

“�sos son condones, hijo. Los hombres los utilizan para tener sexo seguro”.

“Ah, ya entiendo. S�, eso o� en mi clase de salud en la escuela”.

El chiquit�n toma un paquete de 3 del estante y pregunta:

“�Por qu� hay 3 en este paquete?”

“�sos son para los muchachos de prepa: uno para el viernes, uno para el s�bado y otro para el domingo”.

“�Genial!”

El infante se da cuenta que hay paquetes de 6 y vuelve:

“Entonces, �para qui�nes son �stos?”

“�sos son para los universitarios: dos para el viernes, dos para el s�bado y dos m�s para el domingo”.

“�Guau! Y, entonces, �qui�n usa �stos?”, cuestiona al tiempo que coge un paquete de 12.

“Ah, esos son para los hombres casados: uno para enero, uno para febrero, uno para marzo…”

Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on.He said “It’s Al Gore. He’s up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations.””Donations!” I said, “How much you got so far?”He said “about ten gallons.”

1. Your salary is less than your tuition. 2. Your potted plants stay alive. 3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd. 4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 5. You have to pay your own credit card bill. 6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal. 7. You haven’t seen a soap opera in over a year. 8. 8:00a.m. is not early. 9. You have to file for your own taxes. 10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work. 11. You’re not carded anymore. 12. You carry an umbrella. 13. You learn that “Bachelor” is a nicer term for a jackass. 14.”Extended childhood” only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be. 15.”Twenty-something” means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married. 16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up. 17. You start watching the weather channel. 18. Jeans and baseball caps aren’t staples in your wardrobe. 19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack. 20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7. 21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run. 22. You go to parties that the police don’t raid. 23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you. 24. You don’t know what time Wendy’s closes anymore. 25. Your car insurance goes down. 26. You refer to college students as kids. 27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.

En una finca a la media noche, en la frontera con M�xico y los Estados Unidos, mor�a una se�ora.

El padre de esta se�ora le dec�a a su yerno, “Vaya al pueblo y traiga al m�dico urgentemente, no ve que su mujer se muere.”

El yerno respond�a: “Pues vaya usted que es el padre”, y as� discut�an sin llegar a un acuerdo.

El motivo por el cual no querian ir al pueblo era porque ten�an que pasar por un puente en donde la leyenda dec�a que aparecia el Vampiro Fronterizo, un negro alto y fornido con una verga m�s grande que la de un burro y todo aquel que por ah� pasaba en la noche se lo cog�a.

Estando en esta discucion lleg� un vecino y les dijo: “Acaso no saben el rezo: Vampiro Fronterizo que por las noches volar�s, a pesar de tus hechizos mi culo no tocar�s.”

El esposo sale en su carro repitiendo este rezo durante todo el camino. Al llegar al sitio se le aparece tremendo negro con la verga parada y el esposo le dice: “Vampiro Fronterizo que por las noches volar�s a pesar de tus hechizos mi culo no tocar�s.”

Se lo queda mirando el vampiro y le dice: “�WHAT!”

A Jew, a Greek and an Irishman were killed in a car accident. When they got to heaven, being young men, they asked Saint Peter if there was any way for them to come back to earth.Saint Peter thought for a minute and then said, ‘Well, if you each promise to give up one particular thing, I’ll grant your request.’All jumped at the chance. The Jew had to agree to never touch any money, the Irishman had to agree to never touch even a drop of alcohol and the Greek had to agree to never touch another man.Later, the three of them are walking together down the street when they came to a bar. The Irishman begins shaking all over. ‘Oh boy, could I use a drink,’ he says. The other two try to talk him out of it but he goes into the bar anyway.He returns with a beer and takes a sip. Suddenly, poof, he disappears. The Jew and the Greek continue walking. At the next block the Jew spots a 5c piece on the footpath. He begins shaking and unable to resist, he bends down to pick up the coin. Suddenly, poof, the Greek disappears.

A man dies and goes to heaven. As he’s standing in line, the pearly gates slam open and a man charges out. He’s dressed in a scrub suit and a white lab-coat, with a stethoscope around his neck. He knocks over most of the people standing in line in his rush to move through the crowd. The man asked St. Peter, “Who was that?”St. Peter answered “That’s just God. Sometimes he likes to play doctor.”

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Jesus recently walked into a bar somewhere in the Western World. He
approached three sad-faced gentlemen at a table, and greeted the first one:

“What’s troubling you, brother?” he said.

“My eyes. I keep getting stronger and stronger glasses, and I still can’t
see.”

Jesus touched the man, who ran outside to tell the world about his now
20-20 vision.

The next gentleman couldn’t hear Jesus’ questions, so The Lord just touched
his ears, restoring his hearing to perfection. This man, too, ran out the
door, probably on his way to the audiologist to get a hearing-aid refund.

The third man leapt from his chair and backed up against the wall, even
before Jesus could greet him. “Don’t you come near me, man! Don’t touch
me!” he screamed. “I’m on disability!”

Sven and Ole worked together and were both laid off, so off they went to the
unemployment office.

When asked his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said “Panty
stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties.”

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she
gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Then Ole goes in and sits down with the lady.
She asked Ole his occupation. “Diesel fitter”, he replied.

Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave the Ole $600 a week.

When Sven found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his
friend and co-worker, Ole, was collecting double his unemployment pay.

The clerk explained: “When I looked it up, panty-stitchers were unskilled
laborers and diesel fitters were skilled laborers.”

Skill!…”What skill?” yelled Sven.
“I sew the elastic on…
He pulls on it and says,…..”Yep, diesel fitter”.

Una mujer estaba pasando por un examen m�dico y se sent�a avergonzada por estar muy pasada de peso. Cuando acab� de desnudarse, se sonroj� y dijo: “Estoy tan apenada, Doctor, creo que me he descuidado demasiado.”

El m�dico, que estaba en esos momentos revisando sus ojos y o�dos, dijo: “No se apene, se�orita. Realmente no se ve tan mal.”

“�De verdad piensa eso, Doctor?”

Entonces, el doctor sostuvo un depresor de lengua frente a la cara de la muchacha y dijo:

“Claro. Ahora por favor abra la boca y diga MUUUU.”

Tres monjas siempre pasaban por donde un loro, camino al convento y el loro siempre dec�a tres colores y las monjitas no sab�an por que, hasta que se dieron cuenta que eran los colores de sus calzones.

Las monjas deciden ir todas de un solo color y el loro dice “blanco, blanco y blanco”, y las monjitas no lo pod�an creer, as� que para quitarse las dudas, las monjas van sin nada abajo y el loro dice:

“�Lacio, ondulado y reci�n rasurado!”