Category: other

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me.”
12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry.”
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, Jenny rushed to her grandmother’s side. When she asked the particulars of her grandfather’s death, her grandmother explained, “He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Jenny suggested sex at age 94 was surely asking for trouble. “Oh, no,” her grandmother replied, “We had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells – in with the dings and out with the dongs.”

She paused and wiped away a tear. “If it hadn’t been for that ice cream truck going past, he’d still be alive.”

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.

So he called on a female angel and sent her to Earth for a time.

When she returned she told God, “Yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.”

Well, he thought for a moment and said “Maybe I had better send down a male angel; to get both points of view.”

So God called a male angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the male angel returned he went to God and told him “Yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.”

God said this was not good. He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good and encourage them a little, something to help them keep going.
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Do you know what that E-mail said?
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Oh! You didn’t get one either huh?

The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at Bill Clinton during his morning jog. Fortunately, it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it.

To realize the value of ONE YEAR Ask a student who has failed his exam.

To realize the value of ONE MONTH Ask a mother who has given birth to a pre-mature baby.

To realize the value of ONE WEEK Ask an editor of a weekly.

To realize the value of ONE DAY Ask a daily wage laborer.

To realize the value of ONE HOUR Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.

To realize the value of ONE MINUTE Ask a person who has missed the train.

To realize the value of ONE SECOND Ask a person who has survived an accident.

To realize the value of ONE MILLI-SECOND Ask the person who has won a silver medal in Olympics.

To realize the value of ONE MICRO-SECOND Ask a NASA scientist.

To realize the value of ONE NANO-SECOND Ask a Hardware Engineer.

And if you still don’t realize the value of time you must be a Software Engineer!!!

An Australian is walking along the road with a sheep under each arm.

He meets another Australian who says “you sheerin’ mate?” and the first guy replies “naw, they’re all mine”

“Psst, c’mere,” said the shifty-eyed man wearing a long black trenchcoat, as he beckoned me off the rainy street into a damp dark alley. I followed. “What are you selling?” I asked. “Geometrical algebra drugs.” “Huh!?” “Geometry drugs. Ya got your uppers, your downers, your sidewaysers, your inside-outers…” “Stop right there,” I interrupted.”I’ve never heard of inside- outers.” “Oh, man, you’ll love ’em. Makes you feel like M.C. ever-lovin’ Escher on a particularly weird day.” “Go on…” “OK, your inside-outers, your arbitrary bilinear mappers, and here, heh, here are the best ones,” he said, pulling out a large clear bottle of orange pills. “What are those, then?” I asked. “Givens transformers. They’ll rotate you about more planes than you even knew existed.” “Sounds gross. What about those bilinear mappers?” “There’s a whole variety of them. Here’s one you’ll love — they call it ‘One Over Z’ on the street. Take one of these little bad boys and you’ll be on speaking terms with the Point at Infinity.”

Un tipo tiene un dolor insoportable en el test�culo izquierdo, y decide ir al doctor, pero por el dolor tan grande que sent�a, se confundi� y entr� en el despacho de un abogado. Y el tipo le dice:

“Dr. vengo porque me duele mucho el test�culo izquierdo”

“Se�or, usted est� en un error; yo soy Doctor en Derecho”

Y el tipo responde:

“�Co�o, que avanzada est� la ciencia, ahora hay un doctor para cada huevo!”

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

6. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

7. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

8. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

9. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

10. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

11. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

12. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and need it straight away.

13. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

14. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

15. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife’s new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

What do you call a woman with a toothpick up her bum?
Olive.

En una finca a la media noche, en la frontera con M�xico y los Estados Unidos, mor�a una se�ora.

El padre de esta se�ora le dec�a a su yerno, “Vaya al pueblo y traiga al m�dico urgentemente, no ve que su mujer se muere.”

El yerno respond�a: “Pues vaya usted que es el padre”, y as� discut�an sin llegar a un acuerdo.

El motivo por el cual no querian ir al pueblo era porque ten�an que pasar por un puente en donde la leyenda dec�a que aparecia el Vampiro Fronterizo, un negro alto y fornido con una verga m�s grande que la de un burro y todo aquel que por ah� pasaba en la noche se lo cog�a.

Estando en esta discucion lleg� un vecino y les dijo: “Acaso no saben el rezo: Vampiro Fronterizo que por las noches volar�s, a pesar de tus hechizos mi culo no tocar�s.”

El esposo sale en su carro repitiendo este rezo durante todo el camino. Al llegar al sitio se le aparece tremendo negro con la verga parada y el esposo le dice: “Vampiro Fronterizo que por las noches volar�s a pesar de tus hechizos mi culo no tocar�s.”

Se lo queda mirando el vampiro y le dice: “�WHAT!”

A Jew, a Greek and an Irishman were killed in a car accident. When they got to heaven, being young men, they asked Saint Peter if there was any way for them to come back to earth.Saint Peter thought for a minute and then said, ‘Well, if you each promise to give up one particular thing, I’ll grant your request.’All jumped at the chance. The Jew had to agree to never touch any money, the Irishman had to agree to never touch even a drop of alcohol and the Greek had to agree to never touch another man.Later, the three of them are walking together down the street when they came to a bar. The Irishman begins shaking all over. ‘Oh boy, could I use a drink,’ he says. The other two try to talk him out of it but he goes into the bar anyway.He returns with a beer and takes a sip. Suddenly, poof, he disappears. The Jew and the Greek continue walking. At the next block the Jew spots a 5c piece on the footpath. He begins shaking and unable to resist, he bends down to pick up the coin. Suddenly, poof, the Greek disappears.