Category: other

A guy walks up to a woman and begins staring at her legs. He says “You have very nice legs”.While blushing, the woman thanks him and asks for his name.The man says, “My name isn’t important”, and continues staring at her legs.He looks up at her face and says “You have extremely nice legs.. What time do they open?”.

Yo’ mama so fat, when she puts on BVD’s it spells out boulevard!

When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel.

As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints, this hurts, that’s stiff, I’m tired and slower, etc.

He responded with, “Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?”

The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, “Anyone who’s 99.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

How do you keep a dumbass busy for hours?

( go to bottom of page)

How do you keep a dumbass busy for hours?
( go to top of page)

This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says “No, please show me the next room”.Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again.Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes.So the guy says, “I’ll choose this room”. Satan says O.K. The guys is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, “Well, it could be worse”, when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says “O.K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads!”

Dung On MAI Shu————I stepped in excrement
Ai Wan Tu Bang Yu———Let’s sleep together
Ai Bang Mai Ne————–I bumped into the coffee table
Fat Ho———————An unattractive woman
Ar U Wun Tu—————–A gay liberation greeting
Chin Tu Fat—————-You need a face lift
Chow Mai Dong————-Romantic proposition
Dum Gai———————A stupid person
Wel Hung Gai—————-Is that a banana in your pocket?
Won Hung Low————-Southern Chinese dialect for Wel Hung Gai
Gun Pao Der—————–An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung—————Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding————–We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugutive
Jan Ne Ka Sun—————A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia———————Approach me
Lao Ze Sho——————Gilligan’s Island
Lao Zi———————-Not very good
Lin Ching——————-An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding————-A great achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn———————-A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai——————–A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be————A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne————–A small horse
Ten Ding Ba—————-Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung————-A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan————–Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah—————Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim——————Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting———-There is no reason to raise your voice

I like to make jokes about ugly people. I figure who’s gonna complain?

-Gallagher

Why do pakis wear turbins?

So whites dont scuff there shoes whilst kicking there head in.

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.The passenger, Bubba, said “Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it’s a police roadblock!! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ these here beers!!””Don’t worry, Bubba,” Earl said. “We’ll just pull over and finish drinkin’ these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.””What fer?”, asked Bubba.”Just let me do the talkin’, OK?,” said Earl.Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, “You boys been drinkin’?””No, sir,” said Earl while pointing at the labels. “We’re on the patch.”

A short history of medicine:I have an earache. 2000 B.C. – Here, eat this root. 1000 A.D. – That root is heathen, say this prayer. 1850 A.D. – That prayer is superstition, drink this potion. 1940 A.D. – That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill. 1985 A.D. – That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic. 2000 A.D. – That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don’t gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T”
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, “Take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me.”
12. The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry.”
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, Jenny rushed to her grandmother’s side. When she asked the particulars of her grandfather’s death, her grandmother explained, “He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Jenny suggested sex at age 94 was surely asking for trouble. “Oh, no,” her grandmother replied, “We had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells – in with the dings and out with the dongs.”

She paused and wiped away a tear. “If it hadn’t been for that ice cream truck going past, he’d still be alive.”