Category: other

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If, however, it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money, and
never appears to have noticed that
you actually set it free in the first place,
You either married it or gave birth to it!

your so stupid you got stuck inside a super market and starved

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were
all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they
arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred
and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what
happened. �Well,� said the American, �I remember the crash, and then there was a
beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the
gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to
die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course
I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was
back here.”
“That’s amazing!” said one of the doctors, “But what happened to the other
two?”
“Last I saw them,” replied the American, “the Scot was haggling over the price
and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his.”

> > > >> WARNING, WARNING WARNING!! > > > >> > > > >> If you receive an email entitled “Badtimes,” delete it immediately. > > Do > > > not > > > >> open it. Apparently, this one is pretty nasty. It will not only > > erase > > > >> everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on > > disks > > > >> within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on all > > your > > > >> credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the > > tracking > > > >> on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD’s > > you > > > >> attempt to play. > > > >> > > > >> If you drive a Ford, it will start missing like a Chevy. It will > > program > > > >> your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law’s number. This > > > virus > > > >> will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. It will drink all your > > beer. > > > >> > > > >> For god’s sake, are you listening? > > > >> > > > >> It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are > > expecting > > > >> company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with > > > >> Rogaine, all the while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind > > your > > > back > > > >> and billing your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors > > and > > > >> throw things in a way that is only fun when someone loses an eye. > > > >> > > > >> It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs > > to > > > >> passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings that > > grossly > > > >> change the interpretations of key sentences. > > > >> > > > >> If the “Badtimes” message is opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, > > it > > > >> will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in > > > >> dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the > > > forbidden > > > >> tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your > > skim > > > milk > > > >> with whole milk. > > > >> > > > >> PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN! > > > >> > > > >> If you don’t send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds you’ll fart so > > hard > > > >> that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of > > you, > > > >> sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you. > > > > > > >

Top 15 Good Things About a Cold Winter…

The melodious clanging Anna Nicole Smith’s breasts make when she walks.

BATF calls off its siege of your heavily fortified compound when agents run out of hot cocoa.

Much easier to locate nipples during foreplay.

Finally, a chance to say, “Yeah, but it’s a dry cold.”

Natural refrigeration keeps vagrants crisp and fresh until Spring.

You can chill your malt liquor on the window ledge at work.

Joy of frostbite makes it easier to rid your self of those troublesome extremities.

No news clips of the President jogging for at least 8 more weeks.

Watching O.J. enviously eye everyone else’s toasty-warm glove-clad hands.

Flashers stick to describing themselves.

Spouse temporarily stops using back seat of car for elicit affairs.

When it’s 10 below, nobody gives a rat’s ass whether Internet Explorer is better than Netscape.

With multiple layers, people with buns of steel look exactly like people with buns of cinnamon.

The shivering just makes your Katherine Hepburn impersonation that much better, you old poop!

and the Number 1 Good Thing About a Cold Winter…

Goodbye, runny nose. Hello, Snotcicles!

Un matrimonio discut�a acaloradamente, cuando la mujer empez� a gritar:

“�Si no fuera por mi dinero, este televisor no estar�a aqu�! �Y si no fuera por mi dinero, ese sill�n donde est�s sentado no estar�a aqu�!�Ni la casa, ni el auto estar�an aqu�!”

Y el hombre le respondi�:

“�Ay mi amor, si no fuera por tu dinero, YO no estar�a aqu�!”

Manolo llega con el m�dico:

“Doctor, doctor, quiero que me castre.”

“�Est� seguro, se�or?”

“S�, s�, seguro, seguro, ahorita mismo.”

Al d�a siguiente operan a Manolo, y en horas de visita llega su mejor amigo:

“Oye, Manolo, �c�mo te fue con la circuncisi�n?”

“!ESA era la palabrita, esa era…!”

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I’m divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn’t know about.

A guy walks up to a woman and begins staring at her legs. He says “You have very nice legs”.While blushing, the woman thanks him and asks for his name.The man says, “My name isn’t important”, and continues staring at her legs.He looks up at her face and says “You have extremely nice legs.. What time do they open?”.

Yo’ mama so fat, when she puts on BVD’s it spells out boulevard!

When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel.

As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints, this hurts, that’s stiff, I’m tired and slower, etc.

He responded with, “Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?”

The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, “Anyone who’s 99.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

How do you keep a dumbass busy for hours?

( go to bottom of page)

How do you keep a dumbass busy for hours?
( go to top of page)