Category: other

Think of a number from 1 to 10

Multiply that number by 9

If the number is a 2-digit number, add the digits together

Now subtract 5

Determine which letter in the alphabet corresponds to the number you ended up with (example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c,etc.)

Think of a country that starts with that letter

Remember the last letter of the name of that country

Think of the name of an animal that starts with that letter

Remember the last letter in the name of that animal

Think of the name of a fruit that starts with that letter

Scroll down….

Are you thinking of a Kangaroo in Denmark eating an Orange?

Aquarius (Jan 23 – Feb 22) – You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 – Mar 22) – You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 – April 22) – You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23 – May 22) – You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Gemini (May 23 – June 22) – You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 – July 22) – You are sympathetic and understanding of other people’s problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won’t be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22) – You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sept 22) – You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 – Oct 22) – You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 22) – You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 22) – You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 – Jan 22) – You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

Election update from http://www.aaronsjokes.com/

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85%
of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up “aluminum”. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”.

2. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn’t that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American “football”. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. “Merde” is French for “sh!t”.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called “Indecisive Day”.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Life is a game, the object of which
is to discover the object of the game.

there was a little girl who prayed everynight.the first night she said,”God bless mommy god bless daddy god bless grandma bye bye grandpa.”the next day the grandpa died.that night she said,”god bless mommy god bless daddy bye bye grandpa.”the next day grandpa died.the dad was wondering what she prayed at night so that night he went to her door and listened.she said,”god bless mommy bye bye daddy.”the next day the daddy went to work and was worried all day.that evening the daddy came home and asked his little girl what happened that day.she said,”nothing much the milkman just dropped dead on the doorstep.”

One day when the teacher walked to the blackboard, she noticed someone had written the word ‘PENIS’ in tiny letters. She turned around and scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it and began class.

The next day, she went into the room, she noticed in large letters the word ‘PENIS’ again, this time written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day’s lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board. Each day the word was written larger than the previous day. Finally one day she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead she found the words:

“The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”

“Mommy, mommy”, a little boy said, “why do I keep going around
in circles?”
“Shut up, or I will nail your other foot to the floor!”

One day a police officer wanders along the beach. He notices a kid playing
with the sand. The kid makes a man out of sand and shits on it.

Officer: What are you doing, kid?
Kid : I make a man, then I shit on it and it becomes a policeman.
Officer: I warn you, you should not do this again the next time I come.
Kid : OK! I will not do it again.

Another day the same officer goes by the beach. He notices the kid playing
with the sand. The kid makes a man out of sand and shits on it.

Officer: What are you doing, kid?
Kid : I make a man, then I shit on it and it becomes a policeman.
Officer: I warn you the last time, otherwise you will be punished fiercely.
Kid : OK! I will not do it again.

The following day, the officer comes to beach and sees the kid playing
with the sand. The kid makes a man out of sand and nothing more…

Officer: What is this, kid?
Kid : It is a fireman.
Officer: Why don’t you shit on it?
Kid : Then it becomes a policeman!

After the Second Coming Jesus returns to Earth.
Within a week he is summoned to the Job Centre and told to find a job.
He is asked to state previous work experience.
He replies that he has done a bit of fishing and some carpentry.
The Clerk checks the computer and finds two job vacancies.
Job one is #200.00 a week as a Carpenter in Birmingham .
The other is as a Fishermen in Galilee at #1,000.00 a week.
The clerk asks him which job he wants to apply for.
After much thought Jesus replies the Birmingham one.
The Clerk tells him again the difference in pay.
He asks him why he doesn’t want the Galilee job.
He sighs and says.
” I worked in Galilee once and was hammered with tax (tacks).
Only joking …don’t get cross.

You are so stupid that you took a ruler with you to bed to see how long you
slept!

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, “I
want to open a damn checking account.” To which the astonished woman replies, “I
beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”
“Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!”
“I’m very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank.”
So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to
tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old
geezer, “What seems to be the problem here?” “There’s no friggin problem,
dammit!” the man says, “I just won $50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I
want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!” “I see,” says the
manager, “and this bitch is giving you a hard time?”

A guy driving a truck in the middle of nowhere picks up a hitch-hiker.
It gets dark and the hitch-hiker falls asleep. Suddenly bang, and the hitch-hiker wakes
up,”what the hell was that?”. The truck driver replies,
“some kinda animal, go back to sleep.”

Further the same thing again, bang, “What the hell was that?”, “some kinda animal
again.”

Further into the night, bang, bang, bang, “What the hell was that?”,
“Some [ethnic] bastard!”. “How terrible”,says the hitch-hiker, “but there
were 3 bangs”

The truck driver replies, “Yeah, well I had to go through two fences to
get the bastard. . .”