Category: other

Humphrey comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large
bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Humphrey. The guard says, “Well, we’ll see about that. Get off
the bike.” The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and
finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Humphrey overnight and has the sand
analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The
guard releases Humphrey, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s
shoulders, and lets him cross the border. A week later, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, “What have you got?” “Sand,” says Humphrey. The guard does his
thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He
gives the sand backs to Humphrey, and watches him cross the border on his
bicycle. This sequence of events repeated everyday for three years. Finally,
Humphrey doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you’re smuggling something. It’s driving
me crazy. It’s all I think about… I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what
are you smuggling?” Humphrey sips his beer and says, “bicycles.”

A woman walks into a vet’s waiting room.

She’s dragging a wet rabbit on a leash.

The rabbit does NOT want to be there. “Sit, Fluffy,” she says.

Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer’s lap, getting water all over him.

“I said SIT, now there’s a good Fluffy,” says the woman, slightly embarrassed.

Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and pees.

The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, “Fluffy, will you be good?”

Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office.

As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says: “Pardon me, I’ve just washed my hare, and can’t do a thing with it!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A guy walked into a bar and sat down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. The first thing he noticed about her though, was her pants.

They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them.

After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.

“Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?” he asks.

“Well,” she replied, “You can start by buying me a drink.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A Mormon, a Jew, and an African-American arrive together at St. Peter’s gate.

“Before you can be admitted,” says St. Peter, “I’d like you each to tell me why you deserve to be here.”

The Mormon speaks first, “I’ve devoted my life to helping my fellow man.”

The Jew says, “I’ve given countless hours to the support of my community and to helping the State of Israel.”

“And you?” says St. Peter, turning to the African-American.

“I spent my whole life in Boston, trying to improve race relations. I even married an Irish-Catholic girl.”

“Really? When did this happen?”

“Oh, about ten minutes ago.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

El obispo al cura:
Mire, me da igual que en vez de cantar la misa con el �rgano, la canten con guitarra el�ctrica y bater�a. Me da igual que en vez de decir Jes�s y los doce ap�stoles, diga Chus y la Banda, pero lo que m�s me molesta es que en Semana Santa ponga un cartel en la entrada de la iglesia que diga: “Cerrado por defunci�n del jefe”.

Despu�s de un cruento enfrentamiento en plena guerra mundial todo un batall�n es exterminado, con excepci�n de cuatro soldados que logran atrincherarse a escasos metros del Cuartel. Sin municiones y con escasos alimentos, los cuatro soldados de distintas nacionalidades, un espa�ol, un franc�s, un italiano y un argentino, esperan durante dos d�as sin que el enemigo d� se�ales de vida. Al tercer d�a el espa�ol le dice a sus compa�eros:

“�Hombre! �Pues qu� habr� pasado? El enemigo no se debe haber dado cuenta que nos refugiamos aqu� y se ha retirao.”

“Imposible, ellos saben que estamos aqu�, no nos dejar�an aqu� con vida”, dice el argentino.

“�Pues, hombre! Voy a demostraros que tengo raz�n saliendo ahora mismo de esta madriguera.”

Y dicho esto el espa�ol se levanta y… �Pum! una bala le atraviesa la cabeza.

“�Muero por Espa�aaaaaa!” grita, y cae al suelo sin vida.

Despu�s de esto los tres soldados restantes deciden esperar un poco m�s. A los cinco d�as el franc�s dice a sus compa�eros:

“�Mon amis! Creo que el enemigo ya se ha ido, nadie puede permanecer tanto tiempo sin dar se�ales de vida.”

Y dicho esto el franc�s se levanta y… �Pum! un certero balazo le atraviesa la cabeza:

“�Mon dieu, muero por Franciaaaaa!”, y cae al suelo sin vida.

Al otro d�a el italiano le dice al argentino:

“Ya non soportare m�s estar aqu� sin comer, necesito comer algo, voy a salire!”

Y dicho esto el tano sale y nuevamente otro certero balazo aparece de la nada y le atraviesa la cabeza:

“�Porca miseria, muero por Italiaaaaaa!”, y cae muerto a los pies del argentino.

A los cinco minutos:

“�Mierda! no puedo creer que estos tipos tengan tanta punter�a, voy a salir!” �Pum!

�MUERO POR PELOTUDOOOOOO!

Have you spent years trying and failing to understand what they’re saying?

Just by following these easy steps, you too can hold a conversation with a New Zealander.

What you hear and what it means:

A MEDGEN: visualize, conjure up mentally, John Lennon ‘s first solo album Imagine, as if it was a Bug Hut in the Land of the Long White Cloud.

BETTING: ‘Betting Gloves’ are worn by ‘betsmen’ in ‘crucket’.

BRIST: Part of the human anatomy between the ‘nick’ and the ‘billy’.

BUGGER: As in ‘mine is bugger then yours’.

CHULLY BUN: ‘Chilly bin’ also known as an ESKY’

COME YOUSE: Controversial captain of the Australian cricket team who resigned tearfully in favor of Allan Border. Full name: Kimberley John Hughes.

DIMMER KRETZ: Those who believe in democracy.

ERROR BUCK: Language spoken in countries like ‘Surria’, ‘E-Jupp’ and ‘Libernon. ‘

EKKA DYMOCKS: University staff.

GUESS: Flammable vapor used in stoves.

CHICK OUT CHUCKS: Supermarket point of sale operators.

SENDLES: Sandals, thongs and open shoes.

COLOR: Terminator, violent forecloses of human life.

CUSS: Kiss.

DUCK HID: Term of abuse directed mainly at males.

PHAR LAP: New Zealand’s famous racehorse christened Phillip but was incorrectly written down as ‘Phar Lap’ by an Australian racing official who was not well versed in Kiwi-ese.

DUNNESTY: US television soap opera starred Joan Collins as Elixirs Kerrungton. ‘

ERROR ROUTE: Arnott’s famous oval-shaped ‘mulk error route buskets’.

FITTER CHENEY. A type of long flat pasta, not to be confused with ‘Rugger Tony’ or ‘Tell ya. Tilly’.

Why did they have to change the name from AIDS to HIV?

All the [ethnics] were tyring to sign up for AIDS.

what do you call a gay condom?
Shithead!

16> The “Lightning Round” involves actual lightning.

15> “You still have two deathlines available. Do you want to consult the tarot or phone Hitler?”

14> When your host says, “Come on down!” he ain’t kidding!

13> Always the same friggin’ parting gift: The director’s cut DVD of “Little Nicky.”

12> Spin the wheel? Eat entrails. Daily Double? Eat entrails.

11> The “Name That Tune” orchestra is nothing but a guy playing a golden fiddle.

10> A true “Daily Double” involves betting your soul *and* having Richard Simmons as your roommate in hell.

9> Their own having been rendered useless from repeated poker-stabbings, contestants always eager to buy a bowel.

8> Door #1: Hellfire and damnation.

Door #2: Eternal plagues and pestilence.

Door #3: Room full of telemarketers with your number on speed dial.

7> Wrong answer? Pitchfork in the ass!

6> “Okay, ladies, here’s your question: What did your husbands say when our hellhounds ripped off and ate their testicles?”

5> “Wheel! Of! Misfortune! And now, your host… Paaaaaaaat Satanjak!”

4> “I’ll take ‘No Matter What You Answer, You’ll Suffer in Hell for All Eternity’ for $100, master.”

3> “You can keep the cattle prod in your rectum or trade it for what’s behind the curtain next to Pol Pot.”

2> “… and the Final Jeopardy category is: ‘Random Strangers Your Mom Has Fellated.'”

1> All nine Hollywood Squares are occupied by Baldwin brothers.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers.

The guy says, “Who is this?”

“This is the maid.”, answered the woman.

“We don’t have a maid!”

“I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.”

“Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”

“Ummm…she’s upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was
her husband.”

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, “Listen, would you like to make
$50,000?”

“What do I have to do?”

“I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and
the jerk she’s with.”

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a
couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. “What should I do with the bodies?”

“Throw them in the swimming pool!”

“What?! There’s no pool here?” Long pause.

“Uh.. is this 832-4821?”

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who’s not a creep.
One who’s handsome, smart and strong,
one who�s thingy is thick and long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
when he promises to call, he won�t wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
and when I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair & opens my door,
Massages my back & begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind,
knows just what to say when I ask “How bag�s my behind?
One who’ll make love till my body’s a twitching’,
in the hall, the tub, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end,
and never attempts to shag my best friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the jackass you sent me instead.
A-man.