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A un hombre se le perdi� una cartera con mil d�lares y cinco tarjetas de cr�dito y puso un anuncio en el peri�dico:
“$100 a la persona que me devuelva la cartera con $1,000 y cinco tarjetas de cr�dito”.
Al d�a siguiente, en el mismo peri�dico, apareci� un anuncio:
“$200 por lo mismo, m�s una cena gratis en un restaurante”.
En un restaurante estaban un tipo, su esposa y un ping�ino. Se acerca un mesero y pregunta:
“�Puedo tomar su orden caballero?”
�Mire, a m� deme un filete, a la se�ora otro y al ping�ino quinientos�.
“Muy bien, se�or. �Y de tomar?”
“Para m� una cerveza, a la se�ora otra y al ping�ino mil”.
“�De postre?”
“Para m� una rebanada de pastel, otra para mi esposa y al ping�ino 200 pl�tanos”.
“Muy bien, se�or”.
Al momento de entregar la cuenta, intrigado, el mesero se dirige al comensal:
�Se�or, �le puedo hacer una pregunta?�
�S�.
��Por qu� tiene un ping�ino?�
�Pues, mire, yo me encontr� una lampara m�gica; cuando la frot� sali� un genio que me concedi� tres deseos: primero le ped� tener mucho dinero, ya ve usted que hasta en efectivo le pagu�.
�Es cierto. Oiga, �y el segundo cu�l fue?�
�El segundo fue tener una esposa muy bonita y de buen cuerpo. Ya lo ve usted (dirige la mirada hacia su esposa).�
�Tiene raz�n, �y el tercer deseo?�
��se fue mi error, yo ped� tener un pajarote muy grande e insaciable, y ya ve usted, me mand� a este pinche ping�ino�.
Sorry but you seem to mistaking me for someone who is interested
in what you are saying.
Here’s some money (hand it to the jerk) go call somebody who
cares.
I’d sue my parents if I had a face like yours.
God do you need a special licence to be so ugly?
You smell of piss.
Did you style your hair like that on perpose?
Is that your head or did your neck thow-up?
God your ugly…..oh shit did i say that out loud?
I don’t mean to be rude but could you please fuck off.
Could you stand back a little your breath is scourching my
make-up.
Q. Why are black people afraid of chainsws
A. Every time you start one up it says ruun-nigger-nigger-nigger.
Q: What do you call a cute guy with a brunette?
A: A hostage.
Un buen d�a dos gringos estaban haciendo puenting y en eso a uno se le ocurre una brillante idea y le dice al otro, “Oye, podr�amos poner un negocio de puenting en M�xico y forrarnos �no?”
El otro tipo se da cuenta de que la idea no es mala, as� que los dos sacan sus ahorros del banco y compran todo lo necesario para comenzar con el negocio: la torre, las cuerdas el�sticas, seguros, etc.
Se van a un pueblo de M�xico para comenzar con el emplazamiento y la construcci�n de la torre de puenting, su nuevo y brillante negocio. Obviamente, cuando empiezan la construcci�n se junta una multitud de curiosos. Poco a poco la gente se multiplica mientras ellos siguen con su trabajo.
Cuando est� todo listo deciden hacer una demostraci�n para la multitud que se habia juntado durante la construcci�n de su emplazamiento. Entonces, el primero salta y llega a dar al tope de la cuerda, pero cuando regresa hacia arriba el otro tipo nota que trae unos ligeros cortes sobre su rostro y algunos ara�azos. Lamentablemente el tipo que lo esperaba arriba no lo pudo agarrar a tiempo y volvi� a caer y al llegar al final de la cuerda el�stica vuelve a subir. Esta vez tiene ya unos chichones y est� sangrando.
Otra vez el tipo que lo esperaba arriba no lo pudo agarrar, as� que el tipo que estaba probando las cuerdas volvi� a caer y al llegar al fin de la cuerda vuelta hacia arriba. Esta vez vuelve hecho un desastre: la ropa toda rota, sangre por todos lados, huesos rotos y ya est� casi inconsciente. Afortunadamente esta vez s� lo agarra el tipo que estaba arriba esper�ndolo y le pregunta desesperado:
“�Qu� pasa? �La cuerda es demasiado larga?”
“No, no, la cuerda est� bien, pero �qu� co�o es una PI�ATA?”
A woman walks into a vet’s waiting room.
She’s dragging a wet rabbit on a leash.
The rabbit does NOT want to be there. “Sit, Fluffy,” she says.
Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer’s lap, getting water all over him.
“I said SIT, now there’s a good Fluffy,” says the woman, slightly embarrassed.
Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and pees.
The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, “Fluffy, will you be good?”
Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office.
As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says: “Pardon me, I’ve just washed my hare, and can’t do a thing with it!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
A guy walked into a bar and sat down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. The first thing he noticed about her though, was her pants.
They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them.
After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.
“Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?” he asks.
“Well,” she replied, “You can start by buying me a drink.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
A Mormon, a Jew, and an African-American arrive together at St. Peter’s gate.
“Before you can be admitted,” says St. Peter, “I’d like you each to tell me why you deserve to be here.”
The Mormon speaks first, “I’ve devoted my life to helping my fellow man.”
The Jew says, “I’ve given countless hours to the support of my community and to helping the State of Israel.”
“And you?” says St. Peter, turning to the African-American.
“I spent my whole life in Boston, trying to improve race relations. I even married an Irish-Catholic girl.”
“Really? When did this happen?”
“Oh, about ten minutes ago.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Why dont afganies watch tele?
Because of Teleban
Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.
The first man signed to his friend, “My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble.”
The second deaf man signed back, “Boy you’re lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late.”
The first deaf man asked, “So, what did you do?”
The second man replied, “I turned out the light.”
In the maternity ward of a hospital, new-born girl baby looks over at new-born boy baby and asks, “Are you a girl baby or a boy baby?” The boy baby quickly chirps up, “I’m a boy baby!””How can you tell?” asks girl baby.”Easy,” says boy baby. And, with that, he threw off the blankets, hoisted up his itty-bitty night-shirt and proudly pointed downward.”See…..blue booties”