Category: other

The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Titles (Yes, Guys, these are REAL.)

1) Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
2) Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
3) Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye
4) Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
5) How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
6) How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I’ve Been A Liar All My Life?
7) I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
8) I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
9) I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
10) I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
11) I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
12) I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You
13) I Wanna Whip Your Cow
14) I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn’t Spell Yuck!
15) I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win
16) I’d Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
17) I’m Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
18) I’m The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
19) I’ve Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
20) I’ve Got The Hungries For Your Love And I’m Waiting In Your Welfare Line
21) If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
22) If Love Were Oil, I’d Be A Quart Low
23) If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I’d Blow It All On You
24) If You Don’t Leave Me Alone, I’ll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
25) If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
26) Mama Get The Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)
27) My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
28) My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love Jesus
29) My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
30) My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
31) Oh, I’ve Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
32) Pardon Me, I’ve Got Someone To Kill
33) She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
34) She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
35) She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
36) She’s Got Freckles On Her, But She’s Pretty
37) Thank God And Greyhound She’s Gone
38) They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breakin’ Out
39) Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
40) When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I’ll Think You’re Walking In
41) You Can’t Have Your Kate And Edith Too
42) You Can’t Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
43) You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
44) You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
45) You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

Yo mamma so ugly she maid an onion cry.

Ay, Jos�, as� no se hace
Ay Jos�, as� no se
Ay Jos�, as� no
Ay Jos�, as�
Ay Jos�
Ay

One cucumber was telling another “my life is miserable, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone slices me up and puts me in a salad.”

The other cucumber said “yeah well, my life is worse, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone puts me in a jar with vinegar and garlic and pickles me.”

A penis was listening to this conversation and chimes in, “my life is worse than both of yours, as soon as I get firm and hard, someone puts a bag over my head and makes me do pushups ’til I puke.”

10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full “Kiss” makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, “Thou sucketh!”
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by “Jeb Daddy.”
5. Defiantly says, “If I had a radio, I’d listen to rap.”
4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
3. Uses slang expression: “Talk to the hand, ’cause the beard ain’t
listening.”
2. Was recently pulled over for “driving under the influence of cottage
cheese.”
1. He’s wearing his big black hat backwards.

Mari was telling her girlfriend Rosie about the gent she met on a trip to Vegas.

“He took me to his condo overlooking the strip in Vegas, we had some wine and then he showed me all these expensive jewels.

There was an emerald cut diamond of at least five carats, a tennis bracelet of six carats, and even a wrist watch with eleven carats.”

“Impressive.” said Rosie.

“Well… yes.” Mari agreed. “But the downside was that with all those carats, he expected me to behave like a rabbit.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial
airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so
they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane,
and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.

Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane,
bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the
aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog.

Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be
some sort of practical joke.

However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and
the airplane starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness,
whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the
stewardesses for reassurance.

Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin
panicking.

Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and
closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more
and more hysterical.

Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left,
there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone
screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts
off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and
turns to the Captain: “You know, one of these days the they’re
going to scream too late, and we’re gonna get killed!”

Private Jones was assigned to the army induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman’s Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn’t long before the center’s lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the lieutenant stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said:

“If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000.”

“Now,” he concluded, “which recruits do you think they are going to send into battle first?”

Pepito ve a su anciana vecina caminar por la calle y exclama:

“�Ah, pero usted tiene dos pies, do�a Rufina!”

“�Claro que s�, Pepito! �Y a qu� viene esta observaci�n?”

“Es que mi pap� me dijo que usted ten�a un pie en el otro mundo”.

Why did God make criminals?
so they can go to hell

Two guys are sitting in the doctor’s waiting room, so to pass the time they start to chat to each other.

They get to why they are here and the first one, Mr. Smith, says, “Well, it’s kind of embarrassing really, but I got this red ring round the shaft of my … you know … penis.”

“Hey, that’s amazing,” says Mr. Jones, “I got a green ring ’round mine. I feel a lot better knowing I ain’t some kind of freak.”

So both feeling somewhat relieved, they talk about football and horse racing until Mr. Smith is called in to see the doctor. Ten minutes later, Mr. Smith returns, a wide grin on his face. On the way to the door, he quickly says to Mr. Jones, “Hey, no worries, he rubbed in some liquid with a cloth and it came off. You’ll be out in no time. See ya buddy.”

Feeling better, Mr. Jones goes in to the doctor when called. He explains his problem, drops his trousers, and lets the doctor have a look. “It’s serious I’m afraid Mr. Jones, It will have to be amputated. I can schedule surgery for three days time.”

“WHAT!! NO!! That guy in here two minutes ago got his rubbed off! What do ya mean ‘amputate!?'”

“I’m sorry Mr. Jones, there is a big difference between lip-stick and gangrene.”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.

After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn`t need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. “I`m blessing it,” the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.