Category: other

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, “How do these represent Christmas?” “They’re Carol’s.”

Old Mother Hubbard went to the cubbard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
But when she bent over,
Rover took over
And the bitch got a bone of her own!

Una vieja le dice a otra:

“Con los a�os, mi Ruperto se ha convertido en una fiera en la cama”.

“�Te hace el amor como un salvaje?”

“No, se mea en las s�banas para marcar su territorio”.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?Answer: A lick-A-lotta-puss.

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.”Aye, so I have. ‘Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called “Happy Hour” and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o’ those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O’ course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness – couldn’t be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later ..” And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.The officer sighed, and said, “Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.”Indignantly, the man said, “Why? Don’t ye believe me?!”

Yo mamma so ugly she maid an onion cry.

The Best of the Worst Country-Western Song Titles (Yes, Guys, these are REAL.)

1) Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
2) Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
3) Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth ‘Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye
4) Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
5) How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
6) How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I’ve Been A Liar All My Life?
7) I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
8) I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
9) I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
10) I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
11) I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart.
12) I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You
13) I Wanna Whip Your Cow
14) I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn’t Spell Yuck!
15) I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win
16) I’d Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
17) I’m Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
18) I’m The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
19) I’ve Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
20) I’ve Got The Hungries For Your Love And I’m Waiting In Your Welfare Line
21) If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
22) If Love Were Oil, I’d Be A Quart Low
23) If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I’d Blow It All On You
24) If You Don’t Leave Me Alone, I’ll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
25) If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
26) Mama Get The Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)
27) My Every Day Silver Is Plastic
28) My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love Jesus
29) My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart
30) My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
31) Oh, I’ve Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I Can See Through You
32) Pardon Me, I’ve Got Someone To Kill
33) She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
34) She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
35) She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
36) She’s Got Freckles On Her, But She’s Pretty
37) Thank God And Greyhound She’s Gone
38) They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breakin’ Out
39) Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
40) When You Leave Walk Out Backwards, So I’ll Think You’re Walking In
41) You Can’t Have Your Kate And Edith Too
42) You Can’t Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
43) You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
44) You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
45) You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

A cop pulls over a guy.”Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?” “Gee, officer,” the man says.”Your eyes are awfully glazed — have you been eating doughnuts?”

Un d�a, en el jard�n del Ed�n, Eva llama a Dios:

“�Se�or, tengo un problema!”

Los cielos se abren y se escucha:

“�Qu� te pasa, hija?”

“Ya s� que T� me has creado y me has dado este hermoso jard�n y todos estos animales maravillosos, pero no soy feliz”.

“�Por qu�, Eva?”

“Estoy muy sola”.

“Bueno, tengo la soluci�n: crear� un hombre para ti”.

“�Qu� es un hombre, Se�or?”

“El hombre ser� una criatura imperfecta con tendencias agresivas y enorme ego; poco dispuesto a escucharte e incapaz de comprenderte. Ser� mayor que t�, m�s r�pido y musculoso; tendr� habilidad para pelear y cazar rumiantes veloces. Se portar� bien en la cama, pero querr� dominarte y hacerte creer que te protege y lo necesitas. En resumen, te fastidiar� bastante. Si, a�n as�, lo quieres, te lo dar� con una condici�n”.

“�Qu� condici�n es esa, Se�or?”

“Tendr�s que dejarle creer que Yo lo hice a �l primero…”

You’re so ugly, when you were born, the doctor slapped yo’ mama!

A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks’ door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.

“Just give me a chance to show you what I can do,” said the skinny man.

“Okay, see that giant redwood over there?” said the lumberjack. “Take your axe and go cut it down.”

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack’s door. “I cut the tree down,” said the man.

The lumberjack couldn’t believe his eyes and said, “Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?”

“In the Sahara Forest,” replied the puny man.

“You mean the Sahara Desert,” said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back, “Oh sure, that’s what they call it now!”

A man is driving along the road to pick up his wife, just after leaving his girlfriends house. Then all of a sudden she pops out infront of him, screamin am going to tell ur wife. So he knocks her down and kills her…
Then he sees his mother-in-law she knows hes bin cheeting so he knocks her down and kills her.
He picks up his wife, (who has been having an affir with the next door neighbour) and they start driving along.
The next door neihbour is on the sidewalk and shouts to the man ur wifes a whore, although the wife doesnt hear. So he thinks to himself i am going to kill this prick but can’t make it too obvious. so he drives up slowly trying to hit him with the wing mirror… then all of a sudden BANG!!!
The man looks at his wife puzzeled and she said, “i thought you where going to miss the BASTERD so i opened the door””

“