Category: other

A boy was walking down the street one day right after purchasing some
snacks at a local store. He was walking in front of a church and slipped
and fell in the mud. “Jesus Christ God Almighty” A priest was walking by
as he said this. “Excuse me son?” The boy replied “Cheese and Crackers got
all muddy”

A secretary walked into her boss’s office & said, “I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you””Why do you always have to give me bad news?” he complained.”Tell me some good news for once.””Alright, here’s some good news,” said the secretary.”You’re not sterile.”

A boy did not want to go to church on sunday because he wanted some rest.so a vicar went up to him and said why did you not come to church and the boy repiled god made this day to rest.

Un boliviano estaba en Buenos Aires observando El Obelisco; en eso se acerca un gaucho:

“Che bolita, �qu� hac�s, boludo?”

“Estoy mirando El Obelisco”.

El argentino, que estaba con ganas de molestar, dice en tono fanfarr�n:

“Sab�s una cosa, bolita, este obelisco es un monumento a la verga de mi padre”.

El boliviano se queda observando admirado El Obelisco; saca una cinta m�trica y comienza a medir el di�metro. Otra vez se acerca el gaucho con ganas de joder:

“�Y ahora qu� hac�s, bolita?”

“Estoy midiendo la concha de tu madre”.

Una t�a que ha estado casada tres veces, se casa por cuarta vez. Al llegar la noche de bodas le dice a su nuevo marido que es virgen.

“�Pero qu� dices? �Si has estado casada tres veces!”

“Ya, pero es que ver�s: mi primer marido era marica y se cas� conmigo por aquello de las apariencias. El segundo era un militar y ten�a una herida de guerra precisamente ah�. Y el tercero era un dem�crata”.

“�Y eso, qu� tiene que ver?”

“Que cuando nos met�amos en la cama, en vez de hacer algo se pon�a a contarme lo bien que iba a resultar todo.”

One day, a preist becomes all nervous. After a day at church he
puts up flyers saying he needs a new bell man to ring the bells
before every meeting at the church.

Then one day a man with no arms comes inside and says”i would
like the job for the bell man.” At first the preist was
surprised at the man with arms. He started to laugh. “You can’t
be the bell man! You have no arms! this job is no joke!” Sadly
the man replies”Im not joking, i can do this job with no arms.
Would you like me to prove?”

The preist was becoming up tight but did not want to create a
sin for the day. So he said ok.

They walked up the long twirling stairs to the bells. Then the
man slipped to underneath the bell and started moving his head
back and forth. From side to side the mans head shoke the bell.

Surprised! The preist became worried. The man soon became drozy.
and fainted. He fell off of the bell tower and to the ground
with enormous force!

When the police arrived they were asking any witnesses. The
preist came down from the bell tower to be interviewed. The
police officer asked what the man looked like. “I can’t really
remember.” said the preist. But I can tell one thing i remember.
He really knew how to use his head!

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist named Jon complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.”Not very long,” answered the Mexican.

“But then, why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more?” asked Jon.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

Mr. Berg asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

“I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and fuck the shit out of my wife. In the evenings I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, get a quick blowjob and sing a few songs. I have a full life.”

Our intrepid Mr. Berg interrupted, “I have a M.BA. from Stanford and I can help you.You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New Jersey! From there you can direct your huge enterprise.”

“How long would that take?” asked the Mexican.

“Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years,” replied Jon.

“And after that?”

“Afterwards? That’s when it gets really interesting,” answered Jon, laughing. “When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!”

“Millions? Really? And after that?”

“After that you’ll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, fuck the shit out of your wife, and spend your evenings drinking and playing the guitar with your friends!”

While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors. A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and ask if he were worried.

He replied that he slept like a baby.

He was amazed and asked, “Really? Even with all the fluctuations?”

He said, “Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then woke up and cried for a couple of hours…”

A man from the Welfare department was interviewing a lady who had requested assistance and he was reviewing her form. He noted that she stated that she had three sons, but only has one name listed, “Leroy”. “Yes”, she replied, “All three sons are named Leroy.”

“Why would you do that?”, inquired the government worker.

“It makes it much easier to get things done.”, was her reply. “Leroy, time for bath.” And they all would get in the bath. “Leroy, time for supper.” And they all would come to the table.

Amazed, the government worker then inquired how did she get personal if she wanted to talk with just one of her sons.

“Oh that’s easy”, she replied. “I just call them by their last name.”

A preacher was giving a sermon to a full church when all of a sudden the devil appeared. He was menacing and threatening and the entire congregation started to flee the church except for one old man.

When the church was empty the devil went up to the man and asked “aren’t you afraid of me, I’m evil incarnate, the most horrific being in the universe and will most likely torture you!”

The man replied “You don’t scare me, I’ve been married to your sister for 35 years”.

Q: What is the definition of suspicion?
A: A nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field.

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, “How do these represent Christmas?” “They’re Carol’s.”