Category: other

Q: Why don’t blind people skydive?
A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads “Low bridge ahead.” Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck huh?”The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

Q. What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel balls?
A. Sparky!

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the Fathers noticed she was gaining a little weight. “Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?”, he asked.

“Oh no, Father. Just a little gas.” Sister Susan explained, matter-of-factly.

A month or so later the Father noticed that she had gained even more weight. “Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?”, he asked again.

“Oh no, Father. Just a little gas.” She replied again.

A few months later the Father noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carraige in the convent.

He leaned over and looked in the carraige and said –
“What a cute little fart!”

Luke, a farmer, who was originally from the city, was out plowing his field one day when his tractor got stuck in the wet ground. An old-timer driving by stopped his truck and walked over to the fence.”You need a mule to plow such wet ground,” he said.”Do you know where I can buy one?” asked Luke. Well,” said the old man, “I just happen to have one for a hundred dollars.” “Ill take him,” said Luke, counting out the money.”I can’t bring him over to-day,” said the old-timer, pocketing the money.”But I’ll have him over to you tomorrow for sure.” The next day, the truck pulled up and the old farmer got out.”Sorry,” he said, “but I got some bad news. I went out after breakfast this morning and I found the mule dead.””Well,” said the city feller, “then just give me my money back.” “Can’t do that,” said the old-timer apologetically.”I went and spent it already.””OK,” said Luke.”Then just unload the mule.” “What ya gonna do with him? asked the old man.”I think I’ll raffle him off,” replied Luke.”You can’t raffle off a dead mule!” chuckled the farmer.”Oh, yeah?” said Luke. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.” A month went by, and the city fella and the farmer ran into each other at the barber shop.”What ever happened with that dead mule?” the old man asked.”I raffled him off,” said Luke.”I sold a hundred tickets at two dollars apiece and made a ninety-eight dollar profit.”Didn’t anyone complain?” asked the old-timer.”Just the guy who won,” said Luke, “so I gave him his two dollars back.”

Q: How can you tell if you are in a gay church?
A: Only half the congregation is kneeling!!

Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems.

The seventy year old said, “Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to urinate, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour because my pee barely trickles out.”

“Heck, that’s nothing.” said the eighty year old. “Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a dump, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It’s terrible.”

The ninety year old says, “You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I whiz like a racehorse and at 8:30 I take a dump like a pig.”

The eighty year old looked at the seventy year old, then looked back at the ninety year old incredulously and asked, “So what’s your problem?”

The ninety year old replies, “I don’t wake up till eleven.”

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I shut off the engine and coast into the garage, I take myshoesoff before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late.”
His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s ass and say, How about a little?” and she pretends that she’s asleep.

Emma was a little old lady in a nursing home who would spend the days speeding
through the hallways in her wheel chair. Every so often one of the orderlies
would say “Emma, pull over your speeding again. I need to see your drivers
liscense.” Emma would pull over, dig around in her pocket, pull out a gumwrapper
or other piece of paper and hand it over. The they would tell her “Slow down”
With a giggle she would be on her way careening down the halls. She came
squealing around the corner only to find old Joe standing in his doorway with no
pants on. Emma pulled over to the side wailing “Oh no, not the breathalizer
again!”

A boy did not want to go to church on sunday because he wanted some rest.so a vicar went up to him and said why did you not come to church and the boy repiled god made this day to rest.

Un boliviano estaba en Buenos Aires observando El Obelisco; en eso se acerca un gaucho:

“Che bolita, �qu� hac�s, boludo?”

“Estoy mirando El Obelisco”.

El argentino, que estaba con ganas de molestar, dice en tono fanfarr�n:

“Sab�s una cosa, bolita, este obelisco es un monumento a la verga de mi padre”.

El boliviano se queda observando admirado El Obelisco; saca una cinta m�trica y comienza a medir el di�metro. Otra vez se acerca el gaucho con ganas de joder:

“�Y ahora qu� hac�s, bolita?”

“Estoy midiendo la concha de tu madre”.

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist named Jon complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.”Not very long,” answered the Mexican.

“But then, why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more?” asked Jon.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

Mr. Berg asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

“I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and fuck the shit out of my wife. In the evenings I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, get a quick blowjob and sing a few songs. I have a full life.”

Our intrepid Mr. Berg interrupted, “I have a M.BA. from Stanford and I can help you.You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New Jersey! From there you can direct your huge enterprise.”

“How long would that take?” asked the Mexican.

“Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years,” replied Jon.

“And after that?”

“Afterwards? That’s when it gets really interesting,” answered Jon, laughing. “When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!”

“Millions? Really? And after that?”

“After that you’ll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, fuck the shit out of your wife, and spend your evenings drinking and playing the guitar with your friends!”