There’s this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor. I mean he’s a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, polite, conservative type, and this bird’s foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the parrot by the throat,shakes him really hard, and yells, ‘QUIT IT!’. This just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says ‘OK for you’ and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches. When the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes and uses words Lenny Bruce and George Carlin NEVER thought about trying to use in their acts. Then suddenly, it gets VERY quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt or deeply chilled. After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s so worried that he opens the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man’s outstretched arm and says,’Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.’ The man is astonished. He can’t understand the transformation that has taken place. Then the parrot says, ‘By the way, what did the chicken do?’
Category: other
Try this on honey!
A man goes to Frederick’s of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.
“This is $200,” she says.
“I want one that’s more sheer,” says he.
“This one is $350.”
“I want it even more sheer than that.”
“This one is the most sheer that we have. It’s $500.”
“I’ll take it!”
The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, “Go put this on and come down to model it for me.”
His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, “This thing is so see through that the old coot won’t even notice if I’m wearing it or not.”
So his wife comes down, wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose.
“So, how do you like it?” she says.
“Damn, you’d think for $500, they’d at least iron the damn thing!”
Testing a new recruit
Police Chief: As a recruit, you’ll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?New Recruit: Call for backup!
Irrumpe un grupo de drogadictos
Irrumpe un grupo de drogadictos armados a un convento con la sola idea de violar a las religiosas. Ante el espanto de �stas, uno de los agresores amenaza:
“�Vamos a violar a cada una de ustedes, monjas putas!”
Del fondo de la sala replica una: “�Pero por favor, les suplico, no a nuestra madre superiora!”
“�Dijo a todas, a todas!”, recalca la madre superiora.
Una pareja de ma�ces reci�n
Una pareja de ma�ces reci�n casados est� en su luna de miel. La maicita empieza a coquetear:
“Maicito… �ya voy maicito!”
Se para en la puerta del ba�o con su neglig� y contin�a:
“�Maicito…!”
De pronto: �Plop! Y el maicito se volvi� palomita de ma�z (roseta).
Hab�a tres hermanos, el primero
Hab�a tres hermanos, el primero se llamaba Tonto, el segundo Nadie y el tercero Ninguno.
Un d�a Tonto va exaltado a la comisar�a y le grita al oficial: “�R�pido! �Nadie se cay� a un pozo y Ninguno lo est� ayudando!”
El polic�a, enojado, dice: “��USTED ES TONTO?!”
“SI, MUCHO GUSTO…”
Crunch!
Did you hear about the two police cars that hit head on?
There were donuts all over the place.
A Rabbi and a Priest
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it’s a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest’s collar and says, “So you’re a priest. I’m a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There’s nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.”
The priest replies, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.”
The rabbi continues, “And look at this. Here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then he hands the bottle to the priest.
The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, “Aren’t you having any?”
The rabbi replies, “No…I think I’ll wait for the police.”
Un tipo se preciaba de
Un tipo se preciaba de cuidar su cuerpo; levantaba pesas y trotaba seis millas diarias. Una ma�ana, al estar admirando su cuerpo frente al espejo, not� que hab�a cogido un bonito bronceado por todo su cuerpo, menos en el pene, y decidi� hacer algo por remediarlo. Fue a la playa, se desnud�, se enterr� completamente en la arena, exceptuando el miembro, para que pudiera broncearse con el sol.
Un rato m�s tarde, pasan dos se�oras mayores, una de ellas se apoyaba en un bast�n para caminar mejor. De pronto, ven ‘eso’ emergiendo de la arena y la del bast�n empieza a tocarlo con el mismo. Entonces dice a su amiga:
“�Realmente el mundo no es justo!”
“�Qu� quieres decir?”, inquiere la amiga.
“Cuando ten�a 20 a�os, estaba curiosa por verlo; cuando ten�a 30 a�os, lo disfrut�; cuando ten�a 40, lo ped�; cuando ten�a 50, pagu� por �l; cuando ten�a 60, rogu� por �l; cuando tuve 70, se me olvid� que exist�a; y, ahora que tengo 80, esas ‘cosas’ crecen silvestres y… �Ya no me puedo agachar!”
Driver?
There is a spanish guy and a black guy in a car, who’s driving?
The cops.
Moron Quiz
1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or no?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?
4. How many outs are there in an inning?
5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow’s
sister.
6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What
do you get?
7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are
you left with?
8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one
every half an hour. How long will the pills last?
9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep
are left?
10. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the
ark?
11. A butcher in the market is 5′ 10″ tall. What does he weigh?
12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?
13. What was the President’s name in 1960?
***NO CHEATING***
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So how do you think you did? Here are the answers….
1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or No?
Yes. It comes right after the 3rd.
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
One (1). You can only be born once.
3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?
Twelve (12). All of them have at least 28 days.
4. How many outs are there in an inning? Six (6).
Don’t forget there is a top and bottom to every inning.
5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow’s
sister?
No. He must be dead if it is his widow!
6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What
do you get?
Seventy (70). Thirty (30) divided by 1/2 is 60.
7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are
you left with?
Two (2). You take two apples…therefore, YOU have TWO apples.
8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one
every half and hour. How long will the pills last?
One hour. If you take the first pill at 1:00, the second at
1:30, and the third at 2:00, the pills have run out and only an
hour has passed.
9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep
are left?
Nine (9). like I said, all BUT nine die.
10. How many animals of each sex did Moses had an ark?
None. I didn’t know that Moses had an ark.
11. A butcher in the market is 5′ 10″ tall. What does he weigh?
Meat…that is self-explanatory.
12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?
Twelve (12). How many eggs are in a dozen? TWELVE…it’s a
dozen!
13. What was the President’s name in 1960?
Bill Clinton. As far as I know, he hasn’t changed his name.
So, how did you do?
13 correct…GENIUS…you are good!
10-12 correct…ABOVE AVERAGE…but don’t let it go to your head
7-9 correct…AVERAGE…but who wants to be average?
4-6 correct…SLOW…pay attention to the question
1-3 correct…IDIOT…what else can I say
0 correct…CONGRATULATIONS, you are a certified MORON!!!
1 acto: sale un caf�
1 acto: sale un caf�
2 acto: al caf� le echan pescado
3 acto: al mismo caf� le echan marisco. �C�mo se llam� la obra?
Caf� con aroma de mujer.