Yours Fun Portal !
** EARTH FIRST! We’ll strip mine the other planets later.
** If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
** No, I don’t have a license to kill; it’s just a learners permit.
** Stop repeat offenders. Don’t re-elect.
** Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
** Taxation WITH representation Ain’t so hot, either!
** White water… It’s all over when the First Lady sings.
** Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Llega un joven con tatuajes, el pelo parado y de colores, con aretes en la nariz, las orejas, la lengua y el ombligo; una camisa de Met�lica y le dice el pap�:
“No, t� no puedes ser mi hijo”.
“Yo s� que alg�n d�a te ibas a dar cuenta”, le responde el menor.
A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during
the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the
service. Afterward the pastor asked the man where he had gone. “I went to get a
haircut,� was the reply.
“But,� said the pastor, “why didn’t you do that before the service?”
“Because, �the gentleman said, “I didn’t need one then.”
Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
“Kneeling is definitely best,” claimed one.
“No,” another contended. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”
“You’re both wrong,” the third insisted. “The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor.”
The repairman could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellas, ” he interrupted, “the best prayin’ I ever did was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”
Once upon a yesterday afternoon, I had to pick up my we�re do well brother
because his car broke down. I probably shouldn’t have done this, but I wanted to
show off this cool new car I got, so I agreed. I left work at about five o
clocks and I went to the gas station before I picked up my brother. Of course,
after a few bad incidences with the gas station attendants, I discovered that
self-serve was the way to go, so I pulled up and hopped out of my car. When I
was finished pumping the gas, I pulled out the pump, but I had forgotten to
completely let go of the handle, so some gas spilled out onto the sleeve of my
jacket.�Big deal’ I thought, and I paid for the gas and got back into the car.
Well, something you must know about my brother is that he’s a terribly addicted
smoker, and of course, he has no regard for people�s things, not even their new
car with leather seats. So, of course, the first thing that brother of mine does
when he gets in the car, are lights up a cigarette. Remember the gas I spilled
on my jacket? Well, needless to say, one spark from that lighter sent my arm
bursting into flames. “CRAP!” I screamed. I pulled the car over and jumped out.
I was waving my arm around like crazy trying to get that fire out. Luckily, a
policeman drove by and stopped to help me. He had a fire extinguisher in his
cruiser and he used it to put out the fire on my arm. “Thank you officer” I
said, “If you hadn’t stopped to help me, my arm could have burned off!” “It was
no problem ma’am,” the officer replied in very police-is style,” but I’m sorry,
I’m going to have to give you a fine” “Why officer?” I said, completely shocked
“For using a firearm without a license”
Up in heaven there is a white picket fence. On one side stood GOD on the other
side stood Satan and a few of his henchmen.
The devils helpers were kicking holes in the fence.
GOD said “if you don’t tell them to stop, I’ll sue you”.
Satan started laughing and replied “You think you’ll find a lawyer on your
side of the fence”?
Three scientists were talking one day when one of them asked if there had ever been an experiment carried out to determine the effect of blocking off an elephants rectum for an extended period of time. They discovered that it had never been tried and so they resolved to try it themselves.They got an elephant and inserted a huge plug into it’s arse and let the elephant go about it’s daily business of eating 500 pounds of greenstuff a day.After a couple of days, it occurred to the scientists that someone was going to have to remove the plug from the elephants arse. None of them were prepared to do it so they got themselves a monkey and trained it to remove the plug when it heard a particular bell sound.` . Come the day of the end of the experiment when the plug was finally to be removed, they set themselves up at respectable distances from the monkey and elephant – 1 scientist was 50 yards away, 1 was 500 yards away and the third was a mile away. All had recording equipment etc set up to record the event. One had a button to press to sound the bell and prompt the monkey to remove the plug from the elephant’s arse.The button was pressed, the bell sounded and there was this god-almighty explosion.The scientist at 1 mile from the elephant was splattered with shit and he raced up to the scientist 500 yards from the elephant. He too was covered in shit.They both raced up to the scientist who had set himself up 50 yards from the elephant to find him up to his neck in shit, covered in scratches and bruises and with a couple of broken bones in his arms and legs. He was also pissing himself laughing. One of his colleagues commented on all the injuries he had sustained and asked why was he laughing so much.”The bell sounded, the monkey pulled the plug and I was injured when the blast threw me backwards away from my position.”, he said.”But why were you laughing so much?”, his colleagues asked again.”You’d be laughing too if you could have seen the expression on the monkey’s face as he tried to put the plug back in.”
Con el fin de que los ni�os reflexionen, el profesor les cuenta a sus alumnos una historia conmovedora:
“Hace pocos d�as, un carro atropell� a un ni�o de esta escuela en su bicicleta nueva, por desobediente, y por poco y lo mata”.
Se hace un profundo silencio en el sal�n de clases, y luego el m�s atento pregunta:
“�Y qu� pas� con la bicicleta?”
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Aquarius
There’s travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the
back of a speeding bus. Fill that void in your pathetic life by
playing Whack-A-Mole 17 hours a day.
Pieces
They to avoid any Virgo’s or Leo’s with the Ebola virus. You
are the true “Lord of the Dance” no matter what those idiots at
work say.
Aires
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that 40
pound watermelon in your colon. Trade toothbrushes with an
albino dwarf and give a hickey to Meryl Streep.
Taurus
You will never find true happiness. What’re you gonna do? Cry
about it? The stars predict tomorrow you’ll wake up, do a bunch
of stuff, and then go back to sleep.
Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive
flatulence. Your love life will run into trouble when your
fiancee hurls a javelin through your chest.
Cancer
The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of
the week face down in the mud. Try not to shove a roll of duct
tape up your nose while taking your driving test.
Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to
your boss’ face. Eat a bucket of tuna flavored Jell-O, and wash
it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik.
Virgo
All Virgo’s are extremely friendly and intelligent- except for
you. Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your
head impaled upon a stick.
Libra
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more
talented than you. Laughter is the very best medicine. Remember
that when your appendix bursts next week.
Scorpio
Be ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an
open window. Work a little bit harder on improving your low
self-esteem, you stupid freak.
Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back. Kill them.
Take down all those naked pictures of fat old women you’ve got
hanging in your den.
Capricorn
The stars say that you’re an exciting and wonderful person,but
you know they’re lying. If I were you, I’d lock my doors and
windows and never ever,ever, ever, ever leave my house again.
Last Sunday’s edition of the Union-Leader featured an article on the Presidential Range. A large portion of the article was made up of quotes heard by state park, Mt. Washington Auto Road, “stagecoach,” and Cog Railway employees over the years.
Here are some choice excerpts.
—————————————-
“Where are the presidents’ faces carved into the mountain?”
“Are you a native Vermonter?”
“Is this the base?” [asked at summit]
“Do you work for the state of Connecticut?”
“Is there any danger of this mountain erupting while I’m on it?”
“Can you see New Hampshire from here?”
“Boy, the visibility must be 90 miles an hour!”
“How come I can still breathe this high up?”
“You say that’s the ocean we’re looking at out there? Which one?”
“Where’s the view?”
“Who cut down all the trees up here?”
“How do they keep the Lakes of the Clouds filled?”
“Where’s the summit?” [asked at the top]
“They told me I was going to get a historic view up here. Is this it?”
“When they built [the auto road], did they start at the top or the bottom?”
“Can I drive my car to Tuckerman’s Ravine?”
“Is there a one-hour time difference between here and the bottom of the road?”
“Is that man-made?” [visitor pointing to Cog Railway]
“Do you have an elevator to the base?”
“Is walking down called hiking, too?”
“Are any of your trails paved?”
“Are any of the trails lit for night hiking?”
“What’s the name of the trail I just came up? It’s short and steep.”
“Are the hiking trails man-made?”
“How high is the other side of the mountain?”
“What are the emergency shelters for?”
“Where are all the dead people?”
“Where’s the sign that says how many people jumped from up here?”
“Are there boat races on the Lakes of the Clouds?”
“Are the brooks up here fresh or salt water?”
“What does ‘no tenting’ mean?”
“I didn’t hike up. Am I still allowed to talk to you?”
John, a straight guy, and Charles, a gay guy, were watching football on TV. Charles asked John, “Hey, do you want to play a game?”
John thinks for a second and replies, “Sure, why not!”
Charles begins to state the rules of the game and says to John, “what you have to do is drink a mug of beer for 6 points and pull down your pants and fart for the extra point!”
“Piece of cake, let’s do it!” John replies.
“I’ll go first,” shouts Charles.
He stands up, gulps down the first mug of beer for 6 points and pulls down his pants and farts for the extra point. “Seven – zip, your turn!” he says to John.
John gets ready to begin. He stands up, gulps down his mug of beer for 6 points, then pulls down his pants for the extra point. Charles suddenly jumps up, whips out his pecker and shouts, “BLOCK THAT KICK!! BLOCK THAT KICK!!”