Category: other

How do you get a nun pregnant?

– Dress her up as an altar boy.

You are so ugly you can make onions cry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom!

What do you call a pretty woman in Poland?
A tourist.

Why did the artist put a door knocker on his front door??

He wanted 2 win the No-Bell prise!!

A man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can
find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.
“This is $200,” she says.

“I want one that’s more sheer,” says he.

“This one is $350.”

“I want it even more sheer than that.”

“This one is the most sheer that we have. It’s $500.”

“I’ll take it!”

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her saying, “Go put this on and
come down to model it for me.” His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks,
“This thing is so see-through that the old coot won’t even notice if I’m wearing
it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he won’t know the difference.”

So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top
of the stairs.

“So, how do you like it?” she asks. Her husband then complains, “Darn, you’d
think for $500 they’d iron the dang thing!

Three men were doing they’re normal “I can top you” routine. The first man says, “I can remember back to the first day I was in nursery school.”

The second man says, “I can to that. I can remember back to the day I was born, hearing the doctor congratulating my mother on what a big, healthy baby I was.”

The third man starts laughing. “You think that’s going back?! I remember going to a dance with my father and coming home with my mother”

Joe, the Governor’s most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The Governor had depended on Joe for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Joe had been his closest friend.So, it was understandable that the Governor didn’t take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Joe’s job.”They don’t even have the decency to wait until the man is buried,” the Governor muttered.At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor’s side.”Governor,” the man said.”Is there a chance that I could take Joe’s place?””Certainly,” the governor replied.”But you’d better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished.”

Three women walk in a pet shop.

Suddenly the parrot yells out, “Yellow, pink, blue.”

The first lady says, “That’s funny, I�m wearing yellow underwear.”

The second lady says “well I’m wearing pink.”

The third lady says “No way, I’m wearing blue.”

To test the parrot, the next day, all of them wore white and the parrot shouted, “white ! white ! white!”

The three women are amazed.

The final test was the third day, just as they walk in the parrot yelled “Bald, curly and straight!”

They never went there again!!

Start with a cage containing five apes.In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water.After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result – all the apes are sprayed with cold water. This continues through several more attempts. Pretty soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes all try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes, which have been sprayed with cold water, have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?Because that’s the way they’ve always done it and that’s the way it’s always been around here.And that’s how company policy begins….

Murphy’s Laws Of Law Enforcement

1. Bullet Proof vests aren’t.

2. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They also punch, kick and
choke harder too.

3. The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long you’ve been a cop.

4. Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back in your face.

5. High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of extremely heavy traffic.

6. If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial killer or he works for Internal Affairs.

7. Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause you to walk with a limp.

8. Flash hiders don’t really.

9. If you have cleared all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.

10. If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will hit the bad guys he swings at.

11. Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons (living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).

12. If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are about to become a star on Eyewitness News.

13. Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts experts, department marksmen, Vice cops, S.W.A.T. jocks, and others who consider themselves immortal.

14. When a civilian sees a blue light approaching at a high rate of speed,
he will always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.

15. If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five minutes a dumb-ass civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions.

16. You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don’t need a cop, and you can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.

17. Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.

18. From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you
can.

19. On any call, there will always be more bad guys than there are good guys, and the farther away your back-up, the more there will be.

20. The longer you’ve been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets.

21. Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you probably shouldn’t do it.

22. You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is “Boomer”.

23. The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot, injured, complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.

24. If a large group of drunk bikers is “holed-up” in a house, the Department will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker “holed-up” in a house, they will send the entire S.W.A.T. Team.

When Development Engineers go out together on a week-end they talk about football.

When Middle management are together, they talk about tennis.

Top management discusses golf.

Conclusion: The higher up you are in management, the smaller your balls are.