1. Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.2. Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can’t stay home the two days of the year it snows.3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Note: Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for.4. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.5. Remember: “Y’all” is singular.6. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.7. There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.8. People walk slower here.9. Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.10. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “Big ol'”, as in “big ol’ truck” or “big ol’ boy”. Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.12. “He needed killin'” is a valid defense here.13. If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.16. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car’s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.17. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.18. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you’re supposed to do.19. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.20. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.21. Florida is not considered a Southern state (except Gainesville). There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.22. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.23. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.
Category: other
Un ingl�s quer�a vender un
Un ingl�s quer�a vender un caballo viejo, pero nadie quer�a comprarlo. Por fin se le acerc� un gitano:
“�Se�or, nadie va a comprar un caballo tan flaco!”
“�Y qu� me aconseja usted?”, dijo el ingl�s.
“Yo puedo ayudarle”, dice el gitano al tiempo que saca un tubo, lo introduce en el ano del caballo y empieza a soplar con fuerza. El caballo empez� a engordar, pero el gitano se cans� pronto y le dice al ingl�s:
“Le toca a usted”.
El ingl�s toma el tubo, lo saca del ano del animal, lo volta y lo vuelve a introducir por el otro extremo, luego empez� a soplar. Sorprendido, el gitano le pregunta:
“�Qu� le pasa?”
“�Oh, es que me da asco la saliva de otra gente!”
What time is it?
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
time to get a new watch! or, Time to realize that would never happen!
Samuel llega al Banco Central
Samuel llega al Banco Central con su BMW de 80.000 d�lares; apenas entra sale el gerente a recibirlo pues es el cliente m�s importante del banco.
“Si, se�or Samuel, �qu� desea?” pregunta el gerente con entusiasmo.
“Necesito un prestamo.”
“Pero no lo puedo creer, con todo el dinero que tiene en dep�sito.”
“No importa, necesito el pr�stamo o me llevo la plata a otro banco.
“Noo por favor se�or Samuel, usted dir� cuanto necesita.”
“Necesito que me prestes un dolar por un mes.”
El gerente lo mira extra�ado: “�Un dolar!”
“S�, un dolar. �Si no, retiro todo el dinero y me voy a otro banco!”
“Est� bien, no se me enoje se�or samuel, vamos a hacer los papeles y ya puede pasar por caja.”
“El inter�s es 3% �no? as� que te tengo que devolver 1,03 d�lares �verdad? Bueno, pues quiero que me tomes el BMW en garant�a por un mes hasta que devuelva el pr�stamo.”
“Pero no hace falta”, dice el gerente.
“Nada. Me tomas el BMW o me enojo.”
“No no, est� bien. D�jelo en la cochera del banco en el segundo piso, y lo viene a buscar el mes entrante.”
Sale Samuel contento del Banco y llama por el celular a su esposa; Rebeca, sabes que ya podemos hacer ese viaje a Europa; consegu� cochera barata a 1,03 d�lares todo el mes.
Top 12 Signs You Are Not a Good Cook!
1. Your tapeworm has issued an unconditional surrender.
2. The cat shuns your table scraps in favor of its own vomit.
3. Jack Kevorkian keeps writing asking for recipes.
4. Only similarity between your Mexican cuisine and actual
Mexican cuisine is the vomiting and diarrhea.
5. The EPA has opened a branch office in your breakfast nook.
6. You’re leftovers don’t have an expiration date… they have a
half life.
7. After all this time, it turns out recipes are calling for
*chicken* eggs.
8. First day in the kitchen your job was “toast the bread”. Then
you were downgraded to “cut the bread”. Now it’s simply “stop
the bleeding.”
9. Lobster? Climbs out of the pot, grabs a cook book and
proceeds to beat you with it.
10.Your Chicken a La King is served on a bed of gray hair.
11.The Defence Department has requested your rice pilaf recipe
as a repair compound for leaky battleships.
12.Your meals look like the picture on the cover of a magazine
Aviation Disaster Weekly.
LOOK OUT!!!!
What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS?
A Bitch that knows everything!
Stiff Neck?
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
“Grandpa, what are you doing?” he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
“Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, “Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma’s idea!”
A Prayer Before Dyin
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep — not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Unfaithful Husband
“Sally,” asked Linda thoughtfully one day, “what would you do if you caught another woman in bed with your husband?” “With George?” Sally thought it over.”Let’s see; I’d break her cane, shoot her guide dog, and call a cab to take her back to the institution she escaped from.”
Proof Positive That Jesus Was…
“The Three Proofs”
Three Proofs That Jesus Was Jewish
1 – He went into his father’s business.
2 – He lived at home until the age of 33.
3 – He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother sure he was God.
Three Proofs That Jesus Was Irish
1 – He never got married.
2 – He never held a steady job.
3 – His last request was a drink.
Three Proofs That Jesus Was Italian
1 – He talked with his hands.
2 – He had wine with every meal.
3 – He worked in the building trades.
Three Proofs That Jesus Was Black
1 – He called everybody brother.
2 – He held no permanent address.
3 – Nobody would hire him.
Three Proofs That Jesus Was Californian
1 – He never cut his hair.
2 – He walked around barefoot.
3 – He invented a new religion.
Three Proofs That Jesus Was Puerto Rican
1 – His first name was Jesus.
2 – He was always in trouble with the law.
3 – His mother did not know who his father was.
The Guy’s Sick
The company hires a new man. He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up, he calls his boss.
“I’m sick,” he says.
Boss excuses him. Man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.
The next Monday, he once again calls his boss. “I’m sick,” he says.
Boss reluctantly excuses him, but notes that this is the second Monday in a row. Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, even faster and better than the previous week.
The following Monday, he calls his boss again. “I’m sick.”
Boss excuses him, but decides to call the man to task the next day. As soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into his office.
“What gives?” asks the boss. “I can see you’re a hard worker, but you’ve only been here three weeks and you’ve called in sick every Monday.”
Man says, “Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another and we end up making love all day long.”
“Your sister?!” says the boss. “That’s disgusting!”
Man says, “Hey, I *told* you I was sick!”
Changing Times
A sales representative from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispers, “Your Eminence, we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread….’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken….’ then we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church.”
The Pope responds saying, “That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.”
“Well,” says the Tyson man, “we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread….’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken….”
Again the Pope replies, “That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.”
Finally, the Tyson guy says, “This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread….’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken….'” and he leaves.
The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and some bad news.
“The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion.”
“The bad news is that we are losing the Wonderbread account!”